When you lose something or someone your heart breaks in two pieces a piece of them and half of you. Over the last week mines had split into three mines, my boyfriends and my unborn child's heart that stopped beating at 13 weeks. I have never felt pain like this how? Why? What?
The emotional and physical pain of bleeding uncontrollably and praying everything is okay, to look at that ultrasound screen and see a baby but laying there silently no movement nothing. Watching women and families leave with pictures of their lovely bouncing babies on that screen and getting wheeled past all these patiently waiting mums to be on ultrasounds while I'm clutching pregnancy notes on my lap that I don't need anymore. I dream everytime I fall asleep it's a big joke they checked wrong then I wake up and it's facing the reality again. Did you know? Miscarriage effects 1 in 5 women the doctor said to me as I signed paperwork to surgically remove my baby. My face is red and swollen from crying, my whole body violated from being poked and prodded by nurses, doctors you name it. And when it's all over you walk past pregnant people, people with car seats to be filled, people walking out with their newborn babies and I get nothing but a sorry try again.
Heartbreaking is an understatement knowing that the one thing you need to do as a women is carry your child to watch it grow and be the best you could be and I can't even do that.
But you're not to blame as all you can be is strong and brave as everyone says. Sometimes it's okay not to ok! If you have a child or children and you got and get to watch them grow everyday you are the luckiest person on the planet because that person (me) who lost wishes they were you, wishes they could have what you have as I didn't get the chance you got the first time. Some day in the future we hope that we will be blessed for a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby and we wish everyone in the same position as us the best of luck in their journeys to become Mummies and Daddies❤️💙 x