I am so sorry for your loss... I know this wouldn't add much to your comfort and wouldn't set the pain away...
I am going through this 'process' myself. I'm 31 and was pregnant for the first time. I never used contraception I was thinking that maybe I'm not capable of having babies. After setting ur minds up for the baby we started trying. When you set your mind to it every month becomes too long and with each period your hopes shrink... However, we have not been trying for that long. Only three months, but as I was going through depression and anxiety it seemed as a lifetime.
After noticing that period is 'late' on 18 January I did a pregnancy test and was so excited I couldn't believe for the first time seeing two red lines! The next day I bought tiny little baby socks, wrapped these and test in a box with a message to my partner - I just couldn't wait to share the happy news! All shaking of excitement I have given a present to him and had a very joyful evening! So much talk you have when you realised that life is finally changing in a way you've expected... We went to a bookshop and bought several books in order to prepare ourselves and just to have somewhere to refer to if we had questions.
I met GP who stated that I was 6 weeks pregnant and got referral to hospital, my booking appointment was set for 17 February which we both attended happily. Everything seemed so fine and it felt like I have wings! Midwife repeatedly told me that if I notice any anxiety or depression symptoms contact their help centre straightaway but I explained that these big news were meant so much happiness to me that I did not believe I will need this advice.
On 22 Feb evening I noticed a light brown discharge and got very concerned of what's happening... Next morning I called to my GP who advised to go attend early pregnancy unit for scan as soon as possible but as I had to go to work I decided to go there next morning. On the evening of 23rd I noticed that the discharge is developing a red/pinkish colour although it was still bright. Around the midnight we called to A&E who suggested we come in to see the doctor. As I am new to pregnancy (and even more new to any miscarriage as any expecting women would not read about it and scare themselves with possibilities of such) I did not know what's happening and tried to tell myself all will be fine. In A&E they told us that we have to return in the morning for a scan and we did - we came in before the unit opened and still had no thought that something can be wrong as GP and NHS helpline stated that it is perfectly normal to bleed during the pregnancy and that we will be relieved after seeing and hearing a baby's heart.
I was 10 weeks pregnant when they did a scan on 24 Feb. They told us that the foetus is of 6 weeks size and they could not see any movement and heart beat and that it looks like it stopped developing and the pregnancy was failing. I gushed in tears straight away as I put so much hopes... They told me that heavy bleeding is possible and that the body will most likely clear itself... I was not told that it is a miscarriage and they will need to do a test again after a week to determine. They haven't told me what to expect.
The same night the bleeding became heavier, I was passing big clots and I was in a horrible pain, having cramps every 1-2 minutes... After a sleepless night we went to see GP in the morning who stated that I miscarried and written a sick note. I wasn;t advised that the pain may come back. And it did the same afternoon, a bit different from the one I had at night, as it felt more constant rather than having cramps. The bleeding was heavier than my period and given that I was not given much information had no idea how long it will last and how long I will have to suffer that pain where I was barely conscious... After another horrible night, not adding the feeling of emptiness, hopelessness and blaming everyone and everything and especially myself and God and wanting to burn the church or to destroy it, the pain returned in the morning. No Ibuprofen or Co-codamol could help - I was talking to gods and raving in bed... same afternoon my partner took me to hospital where they have finally prescribed strong painkillers.
I never knew that miscarrying can be so horrible - I've been in terrible pain for 4 days and still feel tension and discomfort in abdomen when moving... My partner was trying to comfot me that I will be even more fertile (and GP) after this, but this didn't help - after suffering such pains I'm not sure if I want to go through this again if it ends up this way again... I thought miscarriage was more painful emotionally rather than physically and I was so so wrong... It just blew everything out of me - joy, energy, hopes and tolerance to others. I feel so sad for all those women who had it and had it not once in their life. And so sorry for you too...
All life was shattered and the emptiness inside does not allow any hope in and neglects the reality. It's just such an injustice... Especially for the ones who did everything to have a healthy pregnancy.
I believe you become mum whenever you realised that you are pregnant and any loss is a loss - doesn't matter whether it is called embryo, foetus or baby... It's your child which is being sent down the toilet with the gush of blood. And how can you convince yourself that you (your body) did not kill it and that is how nature works... I am so disappointed... Especially of the fact that you have to undergo nearly the same after miscarriage as the birth - pain, discomfort, in some cases (D&C and all the risks associated!) but the result you get is such unfair - in one case you leave with empty hands and sadness, the other way you have all joy and your dreamed of baby. It's just so so so unfair.
I can't say more than that I wish that this horrible dream stopped to all and you have never happened to relive this again. Sorry for such an 'angry post'...