Miscarriage at 9 weeks...

[J2008]

I suffered a miscarriage at the beginning of the week at 9 weeks gone. It took both me and my partner a few weeks to get our heads around the fact i was pregnant, because the baby wasn't planned and we're both at the beginning of our careers and finishing university. We weren't ready emotionally or financially but once it had sunk in for me, none of that mattered. I realised that a baby was growing inside of me and no matter what happened I would make sure it worked. We're lucky with both of our families as I knew they would be supportive and help us whenever we needed it. It still felt strange and to be honest I was really scared but the longer I knew the more I grew to feel happy and excited, something I think my partner struggled with as he was really against the idea of the pregnancy, I knew it would take him longer to get his head around me keeping the baby. At the moment I feel broken and empty, I feel guilty for ever having any negative thought about being pregnant because there is nothing I want more than to have the baby back inside my belly. I know it hasnt been long since I lost my baby but I'm struggling both emotionally and physically to come to terms with this loss, I just can't make sense of it. I starting spotting, which I was told is normal, this lead to bleeding and cramping until I started passing bloods and pregnancy tissue, I passed the baby in the amniotic sack, which broke my heart, the baby looked so perfect and small. It became so real for me seeing the baby like that... I bleed for hours until the bleeding began to slow down. My question to other women who are or have been in this situation is how did you come to terms with what had happened and was there anything in particular that helped? also how long did the miscarriage itself last for you? the bleeding and pain etc. I would much appreciate other peoples experiences, I feel so alone xx

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It can be an incredibly lonely experience. I think it must be particularly lonely when you are at a stage in your life when most of your friends won't be wanting babies and won't have experienced any fertility issues yet so therefore probably won't be able to relate.

Please know that you absolutely do not deserve to feel any guilt about any aspect of this. It is understandable that it took a while for you to get your head around being pregnant and also understandable that you had some negative thoughts/feelings about it. You did nothing wrong and nothing you could have done, thought or felt could have changed the outcome of this. It's just bad luck.

It's hard for me to tell you about what I did to get over my miscarriage that was at a similar stage to yours because it probably isn't relevant to you. I only really got over it once I was pregnant again I'm afraid. My situation was different though; early thirties, married for a few years etc. I honestly don't know what I would have done to get over it otherwise. I hope someone else comes along to answer that part of it for you soon. I can only suggest that you get some counselling or therapy with someone who can allow you to discuss your particular situation and your feelings about it.

In terms of the physical side of things, it lasted around a week for me. If possible, I would suggest that you take some good vitamins if you aren't already because it does take its toll physically and you need to look after yourself. In fact, the more you can look after yourself generally and be really kind to yourself the better. You may well find that people don't understand you but just know that whatever you are feeling and thinking is normal.

Please keep talking on here and in real life (to the right people) if you can. Again, I am very sorry for your loss. xx

Hi Pinkandwhite,

Thank you for that message, I'm very sorry you have also been through this and I am very sorry for your loss.
I really appreciate you getting back to me so quickly and I've found your advice very helpful, especially about talking to the right people and the possibility of getting some counselling. I think it's difficult going through this at this stage as like you mentioned I don't have anyone really around me (that I know of) that has gone through a similar situation to me, so I don't feel as though I have anyone other than my mom and partner. I have felt that at times especially with my partner, that he doesn't quit get some of the things I say surrounding the loss of the baby ( I think this may be because he still hadn't come around to the fact I was keeping the baby at the point of lose) it makes it harder as he's the only one I feel I could truly connect with on this.

I'm trying very hard to not feel guilt and understand that like you said it's luck and impossible to prevent, I keep thinking it was going to happen and there was nothing I could of done, it's just difficult to think I wasted a lot of time I had with my baby in my belly and healthy, worrying so much. Thank you so much for the reassurance, it's very comforting hearing from someone who has been through this experience and understands.

I've read on forums how women feel empty after loosing a baby and that makes them want to be pregnant as soon as possible to fill that emptiness, I completely understand that now, so I see how that helps to overcome the pain. Despite me not being ready and planning to have children when I am too in my thirties, I understand why some women recover emotionally when they are carrying again, although I know this isn't an option for me.

I've been having a lot of hairloss the last few days which has been worrying me, but I have bought some vitamins to hopefully help, did you experience this? if so, does it return to normal. Thank you, this is something I need to get into my head, I'm just stressing all the time. If you don't mind me asking, did you stop bleeding after the week? I'm coming up to a week and still very off and on heavy bleeding.

Thank you again for this message, this is the first time I have ever posted on a forum so was bait unsure with what to expect but it helps knowing I'm not alone in this xxx

Miscarriage is horrible and indiscriminate. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm afraid I can't be much help either, as I also got pregnant again soon after, which helped me through it.
Be as kind to yourself as you can. Take as much time as you need. Your partner is unlikely to understand, but that doesn't mean he can't be there to support you, even if his feelings aren't as strong.
I found it hit me much more strongly than I could have expected. Don't be embarrassed by what you are feeling- it is grief, pure grief. But you will get through it.

Hi Oojemeflip,

I have found many women find getting pregnant again helps and to be honest, I found out I was pregnant very early on in my pregnancy so I had a couple weeks of my head spinning with worry and the others of my head spinning in excitement and I really wanted my baby, in that sense I could happily go on to have another baby but I know its not for the right reason in my circumstances.

It's very difficult trying to explain to him that I just need the support from him as he's very disconnected form this whole situation, but I completely understand him not getting how I'm feeling right now.

I feel the same, I didn't ever imagine miscarrying my baby as I think I was too wrapped up in the shock and excitement and then when I saw my baby it hit me how real the whole situation was. Thank you for your words of encouragement, I hope I can get though this, it just feels impossible at the moment. xxx

So sorry you had to go through this. Having a miscarriage does feel like a very lonely time and I think it's normal to feel alone and lost. I had a miscarriage 5 weeks ago about expedienced the same feelings as you and am still feeling that way now. Lots of people have suggested talking to the GP and getting some counselling which I think might be helpful.

Try explaining to your partner exactly how you feel and how he could support you. I literally had to spell this out and I think he found this helpful. I don't think our partners can every really understand as they weren't the ones carrying the baby and didn't have the emotional attachment straight away. Your hormones will also be all over the place so that won't help.

Completely understand the feeling of this being impossible to get through but people say time is a great healer and I hope it works out true in the long run, for both of us

Sending you lots of hugs xx

Hi,

I'm so sorry for your loss. The feelings are horrible and just add to the loneliness.
I keep thinking about going to the GP and maybe asking about counselling but I feel like at the moment it might be to soon, I'm trying to get my head around it but I guess in a way I may never really understand why this has happened.

Gosh sounds exactly like my partner, I've felt like I've had to spell everything out. I've tried explaining to him I just need his support, which he agrees and seems to understand but as soon as I feel in need of that support he isn't there. I will try again though, It isn't fair that the way he's acting makes me feel even more isolated. They definitely are all over the place! My hair is coming out in clumps at the moment too which isn't helping. I completely agree, having the baby growing inside of you definitely adds to the connection we have as women and I guess that makes it difficult for men to get their heads around in situations like this.

Thank you, and I hope so too, the only thing we can do at this point is wait and do anything we can in the mean time to help ourselves.
xxxxxx

My hair brush looked like an animal because it was so full of hair a couple of weeks ago!! The doctor said got don't lose much hair during pregnancy but as well as the hormone level drops you lose the hair you would have lost during the pregnancy.

Sometimes you need someone to be there in the middle of the night when you wake up crying at 3am. Definitely try talking to him again. We are always here too xxx

I miscarried at this stage with my first and third pregnancies (2nd and 4th were healthy pregnancies and resulted in my DC).

Its very hard, I won't pretend. With my first, I was in the (similar?) situation of being a fairly young professional and in a relationship with a man wh owas quite frightened at the prospect of a child. I felt extremely lonely after I lost the baby and in our case it maeant the end (eventually) of the relationship with my then partner, as it made mrs realise we really wanted very different things.

The second miscarriage was sad, but not as hard, as I already had a healthy child and my husband was very supportive (and e tried gain fairly quickly and conceived our second child).

But miscarriage is sad, its often lonely, you do need time to heal. Be kind to yourself and have people around you who are kind and understand. Thats the best advice I can give x

Cocoabean25 thats what all my brushed seem to be like, it just comes out in clumps, the doctor wasn't very helpful at all surrounding my concerns for hairloss. Yes thats exactly what I need and I don't feel like I'm going to get it to be honest, I get why its different for men and women in most cases but he simply wants for this part of my life to be moved on from and over. Ive tried explaining I will never be over it but it will get better with time. Thank you for your advice...

I haven't heard anyone with a similar experience to mine age and situation wise JayzuzMaryJoseph, and yours especially regarding the partner side does seem similar. We have spoke about kids and wanting them in the further (before I fell pregnant) but he is very against the idea until he's older. It does show a different side 100%, I know him inside out and wort of predicted his behaviour but thought that him seeing what I'm going through it might make him be bait more sensitive.

It's great to hear so many women have gone on to have healthy pregnancies, it does worry me but I know I'm meant to be a mom one day. It's difficult going from day to day and seeing so many reminders, especially seeing new borns it literally crushes me.
Thank you for your advice, I'm definitely going to try and do that xxxxx

How supportive is your partner being now? I hope things have improved. I've stopped losing the hair now but my hair definitely isn't looking at healthy as it did when I was pregnant xxx

Not great, it's weird because we've been together for a long time and I honestly expected him to be different in this situation. If I tell him he needs to be there for me he says he is, but he literally is so disconnected from the whole situation, I don't think he cares at all but I think he likes to think we does if that makes sense. Thank you, how are you getting on? oh gosh mines still falling out any chance it gets, its worrying me but its probably the worrying thats making it come out even more! I'm going to the doctors tomorrow so hopefully find something out then. I'm glad its improved for you, hopefully it will calm down soon xxxx

 OP I'm so sorry to hear that.

I miscarried at 9 weeks and 1 day last year. I didn't realise until 12 weeks, just before my scheduled scan I spotted a tiny bit, showed up at the EPU and basically talked them into giving me a scan - no heartbeat. I'd had a horrible pregnancy (the intense nausea made me housebound for almost a month) and with hindsight these symptoms had tailed off around the 9 week mark, but I hadn't really noticed at the time and still felt very much pregnant. It was a hugely shitty month as our beloved cat had to be put to sleep a couple of weeks after.

I chose the medical management (tablets) and stayed in hospital. Like you I passed the baby in the sac the next day, it gave me comfort somehow. I bled for a week or so afterwards, but my next 3 periods were longer (10-12 days).

I had good days and bad days for the next few weeks - one day for some reason about 6 weeks later I felt so weepy and tearful I had to have the day off work, so prepare for the odd day of weepiness even if you've felt ok. I was pregnant again 4 months later and this time I'm at 33 weeks and all looks good (the miscarriage was my 2nd pregnancy, I have a 2 year old) - there really is no reason you won't have healthy babies in future.

The one thing that struck me was how many people it happens too - when I told people, so many people said it had happened to them or someone they were close to. And no one really talks about it. Be kind to yourself, for me finding things to look forward to really helped, and just spending time prioritising myself and what I wanted to do.

My man also thinks he's being there for me but I really don't think he is either. We should get them to meet! They sound so similar! Let us know how it goes at the doctors tomorrow. I was managing ok until I hit the two months since I lost my baby on Saturday now it feels like it's all hit me again xxxx

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it's difficult to know whats normal and what isn't, when I was pregnant I would google a lot and go on forums and some people had healthy pregnancies after certain experiences and others said they had miscarriges'. Im glad to hear your having a healthy pregnancy! this is something I really worry about for myself, I think even though there is no reason for me not to, I only have this experience when it comes to pregnancy and it was horrible so I can't help but worry, if that makes sense.

I thought this to, I think in some ways it made it harder actually seeing my baby but then in others I think it was comforting to have actually had that chance as so many women don't get to see. Oh right okay, I'm dreading the first period, i have very painful and heavy ones normally as it is so I can imagine how it will be.

As for the good days and bad, I think this will probably always happen but I hope it will end up being more good than bad soon. I woke up last Sunday and just had no energy and everything just made me cry.
Yeah I agree when I told my closest friend she said she had one a while ago and has never told anyone, I think it's too hard and painful to say out loud when its fresh, every time I have done I can't help but get upset and I guess as time goes on women don't want to relive it (going on my experience this is why I think it's often kept private) one thing for sure is it helps to come on here and talk about it.

Thank you, funnily enough I told my parter yesterday I need something to look forward too, everything just seems kind of pointless now. Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it xxxxx

Oh, I'm sorry, I think time going on is so hard... every week I keep thinking I should be doing this now or this should be happening now and it all feels kind of pointless because I feel I should be busy preparing for the baby.

Definitely! honestly it's so hard getting through to him and when I think I have it's like he rewinds back to before. Part of me thinks if something like this doesn't make him step up a bit, what will. It's difficult dealing with it and then feeling let down by him, but I'm trying to not let that bother me too much right now.

I went to the doctors and sort of blurted everything out at once, worrying I was going to forget something I didn't really go in the important things! he's testing my blood for a number of things including something that could be linked to my hairloss and I get the results on Monday so I'm hoping to finally have some answers. Did you suffer with any migraines after? I've had 2 in the last week and its becoming very draining! I hope your doing okay xxx

This is something I have been avoiding.
Sharing news of my miscarriage with people was scary.

I am really sorry of what ever happened to you.

I had 3 miscarriage. One at 4 weeks (Read the causes here: Causes of miscarriage at 4 weeks second at 6 weeks and third at 6 weeks again. But life goes on.

I now I have a baby. I never stopped trusting God.

I wish you the same. Just have a hope.

I've had migraines and felt really dizzy which did pass but felt so dizzy again this week - think it's probably because of the upset and lack of sleep but it's one another thing to add to the list of rubbishness. Totally understand feeling like everything is pointless because you should be preparing for a baby 😥 Xxx

Miscarriages are unfortunate. My wife and I had a similar experience back in 2015, but I'm really happy now. But our lives has changed for better. My wife has written a post on how your life changes after the baby is born which you can check here: smartmoneymom.com/how-does-a-newborn-change-your-life/

We eventually learn to live with the fact and really nice to hear your story. You are strong.