Stillbirth at 37w, looking for some hopeful stories

[Bisquick]

This is my first time starting a thread, so apologies in advance if it should be on a different section of the site.

We lost our baby at 37 weeks just over a week ago. I am so heartbroken, and don't think we can ever replace our beautiful baby boy, but this would have been our first child and I'm aching for a child in a way I am struggling to explain. I wrote about what happened in detail in this thread. It is probably triggering, but essentially had a mostly peaceful happy pregnancy, and then suddenly went into labour at 37 weeks, and they couldn't find a heartbeat.

I don't think there was anything the hospital or we could have done differently, but I still feel so scared and stressed out at the prospect of going back to the NHS. During the night while labouring I was in tremendous pain (clearly I thought I'd be able to handle labour pain, and I couldn't), but was scared to go in because I thought we'd get turned back. As we had the previous night when we went in after the waters broke and I was 1 cm dilated. Looking back, I was in some serious pain then but perhaps because I'm the sort of person who tries hard not to make a scene they didn't realise how much pain I was in? Anyway, I don't think any of this would have helped my perfect little angel; he was in the 6th centile of weight when he finally came out, and we'd had indications that growth might be an issue given my low PAPP-A etc (although we had repeated growth scans and he just cleared the threshold for worry on each IYSWIM).

Sorry for rambling and thank you if you got this far.
If you've had or know someone who's had a similar experience and gone on to have other successful pregnancies I'd love to hear your stories. I'm very keen to try again as soon as I physically can and would love some hopeful advice.

Physically I had a "normal" vaginal delivery without an epidural and have a few 2nd degree tears that are healing fine. I was overweight the last time we got pregnant, so now keen to also bring my weight and BMI to within the healthy range before we try. And want to hear back from the postmortem to see if there is anything else that we could do for next time.

Also, affording private care will be a massive stretch. But I'm also feeling so irrationally emotional about dealing with midwives and feeling like an anonymous blob on the NHS. I've heard you'd get moved onto consultant-care after something like this and that is a very different experience. If anyone can talk about that it would be helpful as well.

And thanks again for reading this far. Even just getting all my fears and thoughts out onto a screen feels slightly cathartic.

I am on mat leave at the moment. My boss told me I can have upto a full year off and to take all the time I need. I think with not having other DC, and DH at work full time it would be good to go back to work rather than bouncing around the house on my own. But will need a few months off at least just to give my body a break I think. As of now thinking 3 months and then will decide. And good to know I'm not the only one who needs the time. It's a strange situation to be in and I feel like a wuss for needing time for physical and mental recovery.

Been a rough week but made an appointment with a therapist I used to see earlier which I hope will help with at least managing how I feel and react.

I am on mat leave at the moment. My boss told me I can have upto a full year off and to take all the time I need. I think with not having other DC, and DH at work full time it would be good to go back to work rather than bouncing around the house on my own. But will need a few months off at least just to give my body a break I think. As of now thinking 3 months and then will decide. And good to know I'm not the only one who needs the time. It's a strange situation to be in and I feel like a wuss for needing time for physical and mental recovery.

Been a rough week but made an appointment with a therapist I used to see earlier which I hope will help with at least managing how I feel and react.

therapy helped me massively but it is going to sands which has helped me the most i cant recommend it enough.

yes have the three months then see how you feel. i went back because of money but sadly work doesnt really go easy on you when you're back or mine didn"t anyway and i really struggled with that because i wanted them yo recognise what i had been through.

After about a month i did settle back in but being back to 'normal' was also a scary thing for me as it almost felt like nothing had happened.

×Bisquike* I'm very sorry for your loss

My Ds2 was stillborn in 2015 and I wanted to try for another baby the day ds2 milk leaked from my breast (sorry tmi). It took me 7months of trying to get pregnant (not including the three months it took my periods to return). Sometimes it takes the body a while to get back to its normal rhythm after giving birth.

I gave birth last year to ds3 and I'm not going to lie yes I was anxious but thanks to wonderful help and support from nhs it was managed. I'm diabetic so all my pregnancies have been high risk and consultant lead. During pregnancy I attend diabetic antenatal clinic where doctors and nurses pick out peoples folders by time of arrival (its a very busy london clinc). About a month in my last pregnancy my consultant told me about continual care where I was allowed to say which person I wanted to be seen by. However I still needed to wait my turn just possibly wait more than usual to be seen by who I wanted. I just need to tell the receptionist this and a note would be attached to my folder. I really loved the fact I didn't have to repeat myself and the fact that the medical advice I was getting felt more tailored to me. Maybe you could ask and see if the hospital you attend can do something similar? One more thing that helped me was to avoid the hospital ds2 was born in. Ds3 was born in the same hospital ds1 was as I couldn't handle juggling memories of ds2 and trying to hope for a better outcome with ds3.

Ginger BlueRoses and Unborn I hope your pregnancies are going well!

And thank you for sharing earthmoon
That's exactly how I feel. I just want to try again as soon as I possibly can, even though a part of me thinks it's a bit crazy to start trying 6 weeks after.

We had the funeral two weeks ago and it was painful but cathartic to be able to say goodbye to our little boy.

And had my six week check and the GP said I'm physically on track but we should just try whenever we feel emotionally ready, just nervous about how difficult or easy it will be to get pregnant again, and how I'll feel about it.

Oh Bisquick. My heart is actually breaking for you. Please don't beat yourself up, particularly about feeling envious of your friends newborn - there isn't a woman alive that wouldn't feel the exact same way as you, you are grieving and it must hurt like hell.
I am a registered midwife, and have seen a LOT of women go on to have perfectly healthy babies after a stillbirth. They were probably my favorite deliveries. You will have consultant led care, and extra scans for reassurance. And if that's still not reassuring enough you can pay to have private scans. Either way, in my experience you will be extremely well cared for during your next pregnancy. I wish you all the best for the future, but for now concentrate on the grieving process and healing, it is very early days so give yourself some time xxxxx

Bisquick, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy.
I was in your situation almost exactly 25 years ago. My first pregnancy, 40 weeks and in labour. We went to hospital (NHS) and the midwives could not find a heartbeat. My baby girl was dead. I delivered her vaginally (5lbs 11) and the wonderful midwives dressed her and put her in a moses basket. We got photos and she stayed with us overnight.

I wont dwell on the sad, you asked for the positive. My positive was that I was pregnant very soon after, the negative was that my next baby could be born on my first babies birthday. The NHS consultant took that into consideration and listened to me so my second baby, a girl, was induced 2 weeks before my first babies death. I'm not sure how I coped with that really but DD2 was never a replacement for DD1.
A few months later and after having DTD once I was pregnant again! My DS was induced one week early weighing 10lb 10.

They are now 24 and 23, I live overseas with their DF now and am never home for DD1's birthday but her sister and brother visit her resting place and put flowers down every year. I only go home June to December, so I have not been home for any of my kids birthdays since they were 19.
My heart is with you at this terrible, terrible time but it will get better and you will always remember your first baby.

Thank you GTS and OrraBoralis.
Orra that is so heartening to hear, thank you for sharing. I'm holding on to every positive story I hear to give me some comfort and hope for the future.

Some days I feel almost like I'm back to normal and can carry on as before, but I don't think I ever go more than 10 minutes without thinking about my son in some way.

It’s been many many months since I started this thread but I just wanted to come back and say thank you to anyone who is still reading. I was so lost when I first posted and it was so helpful just to vent and have people listen and share their own painful, bittersweet and optimistic experiences. It gave me so much hope and comfort and I’m truly grateful.
We decided to try again quite soon after our loss and just had our rainbow baby girl. We still think about our son every day - I like to think he’s her guardian angel watching over his little sister and our whole family. And I love them both - the baby I hold in my hand and the one I can only hold in my heart.

Oh my darling congratulations. I have been in you shoes my angel girl would be 33 months now and my rainbow boy is 23 (nearly) months. It is hard going somedays and the further you get down the line the less entitled you feel to be having a tough time. But our rainbows also bring so much joy, which during their pregnancy is hard to imagine. Be kind to yourself

Oh @Bisquick I am so so happy for you. This has made my day and it's not even properly morning yet.
I am so scared to start down the road to a rainbow, but so lovely to hear that you are safely there, gives me all the hope.

@Bisquick. Thank you for your beautiful update. I have tears in my heart for you, your son, your husband and your daughter. Best wishes.

Only just found this thread but i am so happy to hear about your baby girl. I have no doubt your beautiful son is her guardian angel.
Your stories of losses has made me cry, i am so so sorry for what you have all been through

Bis you just popped up on my threads.

I'm so, so pleased for you

I had a little boy in September 12 weeks early the little git we had a rough start and he's still on home oxygen still overnight but doing really well.

Such lovely news, I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas.

Thank you so much! And congratulations on your rainbow babies 3littlebadgers and UnbornMortificado

Hugs Miami81. You and baby E are in my thoughts and I hope the new year brings you so much well deserved joy.

❤️ congratulations!
A lovely update.

We lost our first daughter at 20 weeks. The pregnancy with our second was a hard slog mentally. We were referred back to our consultant at my booking in meeting with the midwife, we were then seen regularly throughout. I was scanned by my consultant every fortnight and given lots of support throughout. I had an elective c section at 38 weeks.

Do you have access to a bereavement midwife? We found ours to be worth her weight in gold, she came to scans, visited me at home and was just a real support.

I am so sorry for your loss.

And this is what I get for not reading the full thread!

Congratulations bisquick. ❤️

Thank you stayathomegardener and Deadbutdelicious. And thank you for sharing your story too! Hopefully it gives some comfort to anyone else reading the thread in the future!