Stillbirth at 37w, looking for some hopeful stories

[Bisquick]

This is my first time starting a thread, so apologies in advance if it should be on a different section of the site.

We lost our baby at 37 weeks just over a week ago. I am so heartbroken, and don't think we can ever replace our beautiful baby boy, but this would have been our first child and I'm aching for a child in a way I am struggling to explain. I wrote about what happened in detail in this thread. It is probably triggering, but essentially had a mostly peaceful happy pregnancy, and then suddenly went into labour at 37 weeks, and they couldn't find a heartbeat.

I don't think there was anything the hospital or we could have done differently, but I still feel so scared and stressed out at the prospect of going back to the NHS. During the night while labouring I was in tremendous pain (clearly I thought I'd be able to handle labour pain, and I couldn't), but was scared to go in because I thought we'd get turned back. As we had the previous night when we went in after the waters broke and I was 1 cm dilated. Looking back, I was in some serious pain then but perhaps because I'm the sort of person who tries hard not to make a scene they didn't realise how much pain I was in? Anyway, I don't think any of this would have helped my perfect little angel; he was in the 6th centile of weight when he finally came out, and we'd had indications that growth might be an issue given my low PAPP-A etc (although we had repeated growth scans and he just cleared the threshold for worry on each IYSWIM).

Sorry for rambling and thank you if you got this far.
If you've had or know someone who's had a similar experience and gone on to have other successful pregnancies I'd love to hear your stories. I'm very keen to try again as soon as I physically can and would love some hopeful advice.

Physically I had a "normal" vaginal delivery without an epidural and have a few 2nd degree tears that are healing fine. I was overweight the last time we got pregnant, so now keen to also bring my weight and BMI to within the healthy range before we try. And want to hear back from the postmortem to see if there is anything else that we could do for next time.

Also, affording private care will be a massive stretch. But I'm also feeling so irrationally emotional about dealing with midwives and feeling like an anonymous blob on the NHS. I've heard you'd get moved onto consultant-care after something like this and that is a very different experience. If anyone can talk about that it would be helpful as well.

And thanks again for reading this far. Even just getting all my fears and thoughts out onto a screen feels slightly cathartic.

You guys are right. My DSis has been trying to tell me the same thing. I don't know what I'm trying to prove to whom but I need to slow down a bit and stop putting so much pressure on myself - esp to get back to "normal".

I finally got out the SD card they gave us at the hospital and went through the pictures we have of our little one, and had a nice long cry. The cremation is scheduled to be held in a couple of weeks, still haven't decided if I want to go or not. Initially DH and I said we'd be happy for the hospital to arrange everything, but now I feel like I'd probably like to go to bid him farewell.

I want to find something to do to raise money for some of the charities that have helped - especially 4louis. In the middle of our grief we could hardly think straight but now I'm so grateful someone thought to give us a camera and donated a cuddle cot where our little one could rest, and organised clothes and a hat etc for sleeping babies, and donated these memory cards to take the pictures home in and took prints and just did so much. Amid all the darkness in the world it feels good to remember how much kindness still exists. Anyway, anyone with money raising ideas that don't involve marathon running?

we had a funeral for my son. i didn't want a big show so invited our parents and siblings and noone else.

i wish i had extended the invitation wider, to close friends and extended family. then they might have understood and shared my grief.

if you had a funeral service you could circulate a plate for a collection for 4louis?

would you like to share your sons name?

at my hospital i was given a memory box to keep lucas's things in. if you don't have one already that might be an idea to store your sons things? i found buying things for lucas therapeutic after i had him. i bought and decorated things for his grave.

How about some kind of anniversary memorial event? I've done a fundraising coffee morning which cleared about £300 iirc. I did most of the baking but some friends brought with them; box of tea bags; jar of coffee; few pints of milk. I asked local businesses for raffle prizes (this was awfully embarrassing). I printed out some information on the charity work for the tables, and had some posters up. The MP came because it was a Friday and a photo opp as it was a third sector area of particular interest to him. He chucked a few quid in the pot too.

Arranging something for the anniversary will give it special focus and meaning for you.

It's a rather unique non-English name so don't want to share on a public forum, but we did have a name picked out quite early on and it actually felt cathartic to go register his name!

And those are both lovely ideas. I'm not sure about having a funeral - we don't normally have funerals for children who are born sleeping in our culture since we consider them the purest of souls who attain instant salvation (breaking the otherwise ongoing cycle of rebirth). I find that thought comforting too, that he was probably just an old soul who needed just a last few months on earth to attain salvation.

Ah, that was a random ramble. But I like the idea of cooking or baking something!

Also we did get a memory box from the hospital - they'd included prints of his hand and feet which was lovely, and a few other sweet things.

that's ok bisquick i completely understand. sure it is a beautiful name!

what a lovely way to think of your son, i hope that brings you some comfort.

the coffee morning idea sounds great and im sure 4louis would appreciate any donations big or small.

Looks like we might get the PM results tomorrow, but the midwifesaid they don't show anything.

Not sure what I was expecting - something that we could avoid in some way for next time? Anyone have any experience processing PM results?

I was prepared for results to be inconclusive- apparently we don't know the cause in 40-50% of stillbirths. On one hand it could mean we didn't do anything necessarily wrong. But on the other it haunts me if my little angel could have been saved by some small change this way or that. Sigh. Must focus on former rather than latter thought.

Hi Bisquick, we didn't get a definitive answer but some signs which pointed in the right direction and a kind of breakdown of the order in which things might have happened. This helped me as I was proved right in the concerns I had had. One thing I was not prepared for - they gave me the results to take home, it was very detailed and sad to read, I should not have read it but I have always been a person who wants to know facts. I looked at it a lot in the early days. If it is a doctor who is giving the results, you could ask them whether they are doing any further tests on you eg blood clotting (maybe they have already done them). I hope you get a considerate and gentle person giving the feedback.

I pinned so much hope onto the PM that I was crushed to be honest when they said it hadn't revealed anything. I just couldn't understand how a baby could die and no one could tell you why. We were given a copy of the PM report which in hindsight I wish I hadn't even read - it was utterly pointless, and deeply upsetting as it was quite detailed and included information about my son's internal organs etc . Maybe something to take away and read when you feel able to? The consultant felt very certain that there was nothing in any of the tests that gave him any cause for concern so from that part it was reassuring, but I came away with far more questions than I'd had answers............ that in truth has taken many years to come to terms with.

Thank you all for your kind words and for sharing your experiences!

And I think I'd be in the same boat as you Hyacinth. From what the MW said it looks like we will probably hear that it was inconclusive. But like you and juniorcakeoff I hope to receive the report and I think I would like to read it since I like having as many facts as possible.

It is scary to think this can happen and we can have no idea why it happened. I am trying to be prepared for that though and hopefully have some questions lined up for when we see the consultant. Thanks for your suggestion too juniorcakeoff - will remember to ask them about further tests, and also if there was anything further that came out of placenta analysis.

🌷🌸🌹🌺🌻🌼💐🌾🌿🍀🍁🍂🍃 poor darling you xx I'm so sorry to hear of your sad loss of your baby xx my thoughts are with you xx much love xx

Bisquick we were chatting on the other thread, reading what you were saying about purest souls made we think we might be from similar culture.

I needed to be involved in arranging the funeral so I could pour my love into the service. We didn't really follow any cultural 'rules' as they only upset me not recognising my son as having been a living being. We invited parents and siblings only, the people that had met our son when he was born. We realised afterwards that many others would have come if we'd have let them. Only you can decide what is right for you.

It was months before I was ready to spend time socially with friends, especially if there were other babies around. Don't push yourself too hard.

My post mortem did find a cause (Incompetent Cervix) but I was prepared for it to be inconclusive. Please ask whether there were any concerns about the baby's growth and what they would do differently in any future pregnancy.

Take care

Thanks Blueroses. DH and I discussed it and would prefer doing it just with the two of us. we don't have family here, and don't really want them travelling thousands of miles for this.

I do think I pushed myself too hard with meeting friends, just cancelled dinner with another set of distant friends for next week because I don't quite feel up to it. I just want to burrow into a hole and work, and get healthy, and not see anyone. But giving myself permission to feel this way some days and just to be a bit selfish in doing what brings solace in some small measure to me rather than twisting myself up in knots based on what I think I should be doing.

my sons PM also cited no known cause of death.

they are very detailed. if you are not medical they are quite hard to interpret. my son had been passed almost three weeks before we found out he had died and when he was delivered they noted lots of issues with his bones etc but these were down to deterioration and that wasn't distinguished on the results.

it upset me as it made it look like there was a lot wrong with him more than what we already knew.

they also said he was small as his post mortem weight was different to his birth weight. by his birth weight he was a good weight for the gestation that he passed away at.

going forward i have been told to take baby aspirin for next pregnancy, i assume this is because of the weight thing which is inaccurate in my opinion.

i hope you are ok when you get results. i was very stressed before receiving ours.

It's been hard gingerbread. I read through the report and there seems to have been nothing wrong and no known cause as far as they can tell.
Still waiting for results from the placenta.

Trying to make my peace with not knowing what went wrong - will see what the consultant appointment brings eventually.

on the plus side bisquick this should never happen again.

i know its difficult to have confidence in that, im 10 weeks pregnant in my next pregnancy after lucas and im already starting to worry about how they can guarantee it wont happen again.

please be kind to yourself today it must be a difficult day for you.

I think people just don't know what to say and unfortunately, at time when you really don't want to be taking control of the situation, you have to lead the conversation if you want to talk about what has happened. After I lost dd I had some of the most insensitive comments ('it was probably for the best' and some of the loveliest 'she'll always be part of your family'.)
And don't be hard on yourself for feeling like that being around newborns etc. You have been through a heartbreaking experience and nobody would blame you for avoiding these sort of situations entirely for a long time.
Finally, I can totally second what others have said here about subsequent pregnancies on the NHS. I cannot fault the care and understanding I got when I was pregnant with ds2. If it wasn't for my amazing community midwife, I don't think I would have made it!

Bis I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my son at a day old when he was born at 24 weeks in 2015.

I'm pregnant now I registered the pregnancy Monday, saw a midwives yesterday and I'm having an early scan (I'm 9 weeks) and seeing a consultant tomorrow.

I'm guessing the quickness of these appointments is down to the death of my son. I have flatly refused to go back to the hospital my son was born at. Although the midwife (who's a locum community one) didn't seem to understand why, no doubt I've been labelled as difficult but no change there.

I was told too wait 12 month to start TTC again but it was an emergency section so probably more due to that.

Thank you all. I keep re-reading this thread and find it so comforting to hear from others who can relate to (sadly) or empathise with what I'm going through, and I feel slightly less lonely in feeling some of the strange emotions I do!

Gingerbreadmam and UnbornMortificado sounds like you both are almost due date buddies, congratulations on your pregnancies and will keep my fingers and toes crossed for both of you that they go very well!

ThePopAndCry thanks for sharing and you're right, from what everyone says it sounds like the NHS care for a subsequent pregnancy is top notch. I want to see what we feel like when we go in for our consultant appointment, which will hopefully be in a month or so.

And have set up my six week check etc to see if doctor can tell us when we can TTC again. Don't want to get too far ahead of myself in planning etc either.

As an aside I'm really looking forward to hearing some good news about Harry Arter's baby. He and his partner are due to have the child soon I think, and I found his interview in the guardian about the stillbirth they experienced last year just so touching and lovely.

yes we are. im 10weeks today.

When we met with our consultant for pm results i was still quite out of it even though it was months down the line. I guess i am just saying i wouldnt take that as a lead on what your subsequent care will be like.

i cannot fault my care so far this time. i have had two scans, numerous gp phonecalls and a booking in appointment and everyone has been great. got a consultant scan and appointment week on wednesday and am.hoping it will be the same.

i also specified i did not want to see the same consultant as last time. she was great but tutted when she discovered our son had passed so i knew before she even told is. she also gave us his post mortem results in the same room we were taken to after he had died and we had to walk through the scan waiting room to get there.

they have put me with somebody else which is great.

i hope you are doing ok.

Hi Bisquick, I'm so sorry to read of your loss.

I lost my son at 20 weeks due to failings by the NHS. After successful IVF my booking-in midwife failed to flag up key points of my medical history. I was classified as "low risk" when actually I should have been consultant-led.

I went to A&E at 18 weeks and 19 weeks pregnant complaining of bleeding but both times they sent me home. A week later I was in labour and gave birth.

They admitted mistakes were made during my care.

I can't trust the NHS with any aspect of my life and shit myself that they will fuck up AGAIN in this pregnancy (only 5 weeks). But I have heard positive stories from women who have had a late loss go on to have healthy pregnancies with lots of care and extra scans and reassurance.

As PP have said, reach out to the SANDS charity. They were a God send for me.

I've spent most of this week in tears. I felt like the first two weeks post partum I had tasks to do and was able to just get on with it as difficult as they were. Somehow this third week I'm struggling.

I know it's normal etc but I just keep beating myself up for every small mistake or flaw. I then feel like a self pitying fool or wuss for wanting so much attention as well.

Typed out a lot more but feeling like it's just self indulgent wankery. Egads I really struggle with disliking myself.

bisquick it's still such early days this is al completely normal. please dont be so hard on yourself.

i know what you mean about attention. i couldnt believe the pain i was going through and how people couldnt feel it.

its 18months since i lost my son. only this week i raised with my mother how upset i was and still am that no1 helped me with day to day things such as housework after i lost him. i feel people shoukd have been doing anything and everything to make my life easier but noone did.

it's weird. and completely normal i suspect to feel that way. i hope you are ok.

I know exactly what you mean gingerbread. When you give birth it seems like everyone is around with a casserole and gifts, and suddenly after this tragedy you're all alone! And people mean well, and I'm super lucky to have mum staying with me for another week, but it does suck that you have to just pick up the pieces and go back to work etc.

I've already had well meaning people ask if I'm back at work. And I know what they mean - it would be a good distraction etc - but I also want to scream saying no it's only been 3 weeks my stitches have barely healed. Sigh.

Have deleted all social media from my phone so I don't keep seeing pictures of happy families and babies just now.

are you not on maternity leave? i was automatically placed on maternity leave and didnt return until 4 months later and even that was too soon.

i really dont think you should be thinkimg about work anytime soon.