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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Not sure how to tell father

24 replies

Kate221 · 27/01/2017 00:30

Hi everyone,

Please bear with me as I'm new to this site and I really need some good advice as I'm kind of at a loss.

I found out I was pregnant back in November and whilst it came as a shock to me it came as an even bigger shock to my ex partner (although we had split he is 100% the father).

He claimed I was lying about my pregnancy to 'get him back' even though I showed him positive pregnancy tests, paid for GP letters and sent copies to him, sent him an early scan I had. He refused to believe me, either saying I had forged the letters or photoshopped the scans. I have had friends and family contact him but he still insists its a lie.

As I'm sure everyone can imagine this was very stressful for me and I had to cut all contact for a while, my blood pressure was high and I was having regular appts for a while with GP and nurses to keep an eye.

Anyway, two days ago I started to have heavy cramps and some spotting. Called GP who advised spotting was normal and to make an appt. However yesterday I started to bleed and this lead to the passing of large clumps. I will spare any details but I knew straight away I had lost my baby.

My mother took me to our nearest walk in centre where they tested hormone levels and completed a scan. Baby had stopped growing a few weeks before and I was experiencing a natural miscarriage.

I feel awful that I did not know baby had passed away and I feel empty and lost. I had a focus before, I was starting to plan a new life with my baby and now I'm not sure what to do.

I'm also scared to tell the father as I expect he will still say I'm lying or even worse things. He is demanding to see my GP to confirm the pregnancy even though I have sent him copies of letters. I havent wanted to go to an appointment with him as i'm embarrassed by his behaviour and being in his presence causes me a lot of anxiety. The idea of him saying I'm lying about losing my baby makes me feel to my stomach.

I'm just a bit lost and not sure how to deal with the situation. I'm sorry if I've rambled and this post doesnt make sense.

OP posts:

Lapinlapin · 27/01/2017 00:39

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had a missed miscarriage too, and it seemed so wrong to think the baby has stopped growing without me knowing.

I think you need to tell your ex as soon as possible, because otherwise you're just going to worry about it. Make a quick phone call and it will be over. And don't let him upset you any more. Steel yourself for the nasty things you anticipate him saying, but don't take it to heart. None of this is your fault.

And then be very very glad he's your ex and you'll hopefully never have to see him again because he sounds awful.

Prettybaffled · 27/01/2017 00:43

I wonder if given how things are with him it might be best to tell him by text?

Prettybaffled · 27/01/2017 00:43

I wanted to say as well that I'm so sorry you lost your baby

leighdinglady · 27/01/2017 17:06

Get your mum to call him. You've enough on your plate. :-(

Ps - he sounds like a fucking idiot

Original poster

Kate221 · 27/01/2017 18:29

Hi thank you for your kind replies.

I still havent managed to tell the father. I think I will ask my mum to call him as I cant face the conversation.

I know that he will say awful things regardless of how he is told and I just need to be strong and remember that I am better off without him and baby would also have been.

It would just be nice to have the support and somebody to share this awful experience with. I feel very alone and lost.

OP posts:

leighdinglady · 27/01/2017 18:52

Don't worry about him. So what if he doesn't believe you. Fuck him. Let your mum tell him and then you never have to speak to him again.

You're all that matters. Look after yourself and just blank him from now

Prettybaffled · 27/01/2017 23:46

Kate I think getting your mum to tell him sounds like a very good idea. I have had a mc myself and I do understand how awful and bleak it can feel. It was a very hard time for me and if an un mn hug would help I am sending one your way.

Have you thought of calling the charity Tommys? I didn't realise this when I had my mc but their support line will very happily provide support after mc. I found them incredibly supportive when I called about something else.

Prettybaffled · 27/01/2017 23:48

This is the link to the info about the Tommys helpline
www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/pregnancy-complications/pregnancy-loss/miscarriage/miscarriage-support

Prettybaffled · 27/01/2017 23:51

And please do keep posting here / we will all happily support you here too.

I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

TurquoiseDress · 28/01/2017 10:51

Hi OP

So sorry to read about the MMC- this happened to me last summer, I thought I was safely through the first trimester but sadly it was not to be

Unfortunately, it sounds like you just need this man out of your life permanently.

Maybe send him an email about the MMC? If you send him a text he might start bombarding you with unwanted messages.
Also, if your mum tells him, it might give him an opportunity to be nasty with her.

He doesn't sound like he has at all accepted that there was a pregnancy- he doesn't really deserve anything but a cursory, to the point email to explain what has happened.

Another point- he has absolutely no right to go and see your GP about medical matters related to you. He would not get very far in terms of organising an appointment and wanting to discuss YOU and you medical matters.

Sorry, but he sounds awful- a simple, straightforward positive pregnancy test and scan photo should have been enough.

So sorry that you are having to deal with all this extra stress as well as the MMC. Be kind to yourself

Original poster

Kate221 · 28/01/2017 13:26

Hi,

Thank you for your kind reply.

I still cant decide what to do for the best. I think whatever way I tell him he will have something awful to say and its not something I can deal with right now.

He tried to call my GP surgery but they wouldnt speak to him about anything. He tried to tell the surgery I had been forging letters but obviously they knew that wasnt the case. He is in complete denial.

I'm just trying to stay positive but its extremely hard. I know that he has been awful about the situation but its making everything much worse being called a liar.

Thanks again for your reply xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

Kate221 · 28/01/2017 13:28

Thank you for posting the link. I've just had a look and I think I will contact them. The main thing getting me down is how alone I feel so it seems that they would help with that.

Thank you for your support. It means so much xxxx

OP posts:

BIWI · 28/01/2017 13:30

Frankly, I wouldn't bother to tell him anything. He won't believe you anyway, and he'll only be horrible to you, by the sounds of what you've posted here.

I'm sorry for your loss. Like many others, I, too had a miscarriage. But please don't beat yourself up about the fact that you didn't know. How could you have known, so early on?

It sounds like your mum is a real support to you, which is great.

Finola1step · 28/01/2017 13:39

I'm so sorry for your loss .

I think you are right that the father should be told and that it would be best if your mum tells him. Keep it factual and short. What he chooses to do with or think about the news is completely out of your control.

So get him told. Then block him. Block his number and block him on any social media. You do not owe this man anything.

But you do owe it to yourself to focus on you. Focus on your grief and healing. Focus on getting support for you.

And keep posting on Mumsnet. There are lots of lovely people who will be always willing to offer a virtual hand to hold and some good advice too. Lean on us.

hesterton · 28/01/2017 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Kate221 · 28/01/2017 23:23

Thank you BIWI. I hope this isnt too personal a question but how long did you take off work?

I know I wont be ready to go back to work this week but a couple of friends have said I shouldnt take too long as I should try and get some normality back x

OP posts:

Original poster

Kate221 · 28/01/2017 23:24

Thank you for the kind replies.

My mum is a rock to me and I do worry about the abuse she might recieve if she contacts my ex. She has said that I should take a couple of days to allow myself to grieve and then we can decide how to tell the father.

Posting on here has really helped xxx

OP posts:

Tigerstar123 · 28/01/2017 23:38

Kate, sorry about your loss. I too had an mmc. I agree with other posters here that your mum should break the news to him. You are probably in a very emotional state and I wouldn't want him to say anything nasty to you to upset you anymore than you already are. Please be kind to yourself and I'm sending you hugs

Prettybaffled · 29/01/2017 13:45

Kate, I had only a week off for my mmc and in hindsight I should have had two weeks. Physically I was exhausted though I had an erpc so it's hard to say whether that was the anesthetic or mc itself. Please don't rush back before you are ready - I was also very fragile emotionally xxxx

BIWI · 29/01/2017 14:08

I can't remember how long I had off work - it was almost 24 years ago now - but I do remember that quite apart from the impact of the miscarriage, I reacted really badly to anaesthetic (I had to have a D&C or ERPC), which took almost ten days to get over.

What I did do, when I went back, was to make the mistake of trying to carry on as if nothing had happened. You need to allow that something very traumatic has happened to you, and let people support you and help you. I was actually told by my bosses that I had recovered 'too successfully' - and therefore no allowances were made for me

Original poster

Kate221 · 29/01/2017 23:47

Hi everyone,

Earlier this evening I sent the father a message with my mums help and support and she read the reply to try and save me some sort of anxiety. Anyway she was angry and upset that I ended up finding out his reply.

Anyway he said that he was out with his new girlfriend and that if I had been telling the truth he was pleased I had lost the baby as he could think of nothing worse than being a dad.

I'm so upset, dont get me wrong I didnt expect a decent reply but I'm still shocked. To make matters worse he's told almost everyone about the pregnancy and how he thinks its a lie. I had told close family and friends but to have to tell so many people is making me feel anxious. Its not something I want to have to explain over and over again.

I'm trying to think of ways to remember my baby, it feels really hard to do when I didnt even know the sex. I was thinking maybe planting something in my garden.

I'm going to take two weeks off work but will try and keep busy as best I can. Thank you all so much for your replies and sticking with me during this horrible time. It means so much x

OP posts:

hesterton · 30/01/2017 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

leighdinglady · 30/01/2017 09:15

Find out the expected due dates birth flower? Or jewellery with the birth stone - that's what I've done

Prettybaffled · 31/01/2017 20:32

Oh Kate he didn't deserve you. Sending you an un mn hug.

I didn't do anything to remember the baby I lost, but I do think about them a lot. Someone I know did a necklace with a symbol she asssociated with her baby. I also know someone who planted a lovely plant in the garden and someone else who bought a bracelet.

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