Finding SIL's pregnancy hard

[kirinm]

I've got a history of recurrent miscarriage with my last being a mmc at 11 weeks (baby died at 10 weeks). It was my 4th miscarriage and I found it incredibly difficult to handle. Have now been told SIL is pregnant after 1 month of not trying not preventing and they're having a healthy baby. Pregnancy has, so far, been problem free.

I'm gutted. I just feel so jealous that some people have it so easy. I wouldn't wish what I've been through on anyone but this pregnancy has hit me for six. I can't bear the thought of seeing them. It has been nearly 3 years since my last miscarriage - have been too scared to try again - so I shouldn't be feeling like this. DP doesn't get why I'm feeling like this either. How do I deal with these feelings?

Have you tried some counselling? I'm very sorry for your losses.

It's so tough I've been in your exact situation but with the added complication that my sil was due the week before I should have had my baby. To be honest it's been a long slog to be ok with it. I've had to keep a bit of distance to get my head straight and a bit of perspective. There is no shame in this it really is hard.
I'm pregnant again and everyone just assumed that would make everything ok but it's still tough.
I think how everyone deals with things is different. I just took it day at a time and did what I needed to get through.

It is unfair. I'm sorry for your losses.

I chalked up three misscarriages and a chemical pregnancy. Another mother in the very small rural school my DC attended had the same due date as my first would have been due. She had the odd drink, went on a long haul holiday etc durring pregnancy. I felt fearlessly defensive of her unborn child and had to bite my tongue so hard when she talked about her exploits and how it really doesn't matter. That too was jelousy on my part.

It is jelousy though - you've called it right. Its a nasty unproductive emotion that serves to benefit no one, yet so easy to feel and hard to dismiss.

Could you explore some things for you to focus on. Mindful stuff. This can be little things to focus on in the short medium and long term. They don't have to be fixed things, just something thats a future positive reward, something to look towards to help you keep moving forwards.

The glaring elephant in the room is, do you deep down want to try again(don't feel the need to answer here)?

Thanks for the responses. I've not tried counselling. I'm quite surprised by how I'm feeling. I've had friends who've been pregnant and haven't felt like this.

I do want to try again but I'm scared. I know I'll be given various meds to try and help maintain a pregnancy this time (have been seen in the recurrent miscarriage clinic now) but I fear that if it went wrong, I'd struggle to pick myself up. I thought I might be pregnant earlier this year and I felt so anxious I was relieved a test was negative. The last one i'd seen the pregnancy was in the right place (I've also had an ectopic), saw a heartbeat and had awful morning sickness and I really thought I was okay. I think perhaps the last miscarriage was much more damaging than I thought.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I had two early miscarriages and found it really hard to deal with other people being pregnant. Yes jealously does play a part, but you're also still mourning.

Unfortunately once you've had a miscarriage no pregnancy is innocent, by which I mean you're all too aware of what can go wrong, whereas for those women lucky enough not to have one, they are mainly blissfully unaware. I was lucky enough to carry my third pregnancy to term, but spent the first trimester paranoid about loosing it - constant knicker checking.

If you can find someone professional to talk to about it, it may help.