Finding it hard to cope after miscarriage and breakup

[clare2016]

Hey guys, I thought talking to others who may be in a similar situation may help, so here goes..
In April this year I found out I was pregnant, although it wasn't planned, myself and my partner were so happy. Then in late May I started bleeding slightly. I went down to the hospital for an internal scan where it was diagnosed as a missed miscarriage. The way they described it was that my body hadn't realised that I'd misscarried yet, and they told me they weren't sure when I'd eventually miscarry but it would probably be within the next few weeks. For the next 3 weeks I didn't leave the house as I was so scared it would happen whilst I was out. I because very depressed during those weeks, just waiting to miscarry. When it eventually happened, although it was an awful experience, it was almost a relief in a way. I could now go back to work and get my life back on track. It's now been 6 months since that happened, and I'm still not over it. I think about it every day and it upsets me so much. To make matters worse me and my partner (we were together for 5 years) are no longer together. It was his choice to end it, he was finding it difficult to cope after the miscarriage too, and with the stresses of work it had had an impact on our relationship.
I just feel so low and sad, I've lost my partner and baby. I was hopeful that after the miscarriage we would try again, but now all hope for that is lost. My partner just doesn't seem to care about me anymore.
Sorry I don't mean to ramble on, but any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Hi all. I know this is an old thread but I'm in exactly the same situation. My little baby had no heart beat at 12 week scan. Boyfriend was amazing and supportive for 3 days but then turned on me when I needed him the most. He said I was making it all about me. In the first few days we were staying positive and talked about trying again. Now it's all over. No relationship, no baby, all future plans gone. I'm 38 and feel like I'm going to be too old to start a relationship and have children with anyone else. Heart broken 💔

How are you getting on hellyp37? The same thing has happened to me at the start of January but I'm 41 and he left 5 days after miscarriage saying he was confused about life (despite days earlier telling me how much he loved me and we could try again)

This forum gave me some peace. Reading it knowing I'm not alone. I'm 31 and I am miscarriaging at this moment.. My partner does not want children so we are no longer together after 10 years.. I feel so terrible inside. I can't stop crying most days..

All I wish more than anything is to find happiness and try for another baby soon but it's hard with no partner. Think the hardest part is being alone after 10 year's of friendship and learning how to move on and also worrying about not being able to have kids. This is my second miscarriage.

Hellyp37 reading your story make me so sad.. I understand how you feel. I feel it to.. Have you thought of freezing your eggs or a sperm donor?

I want you to have faith and be strong. I know it's hard but to shall pass. I am. Seeing an online therapist it may help you

@Hellyp37 above msg is for you

@Hellyp37, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You expressed some things that are so relevant to me. I've been wanting to put these words down for so long. I've been wanting to talk about this for so long. And I haven't. It's eating me up inside. I am also 38. I found out I was pregnant last June. I didn't get to enjoy much pregnancy time because at 8 weeks, my baby no longer had a heartbeat. I waited 2 weeks to miscarry and never did. I had to have a D&C. My partner was very supportive throughout all this. But he initially wasn't pleased that I was pregnant. So I always felt that the miscarriage was a relief for him. The Dr. told us we had to wait 3 months before trying again. My bf assured me he wanted to try again. October came and he announced he didn't want to try anymore. That he needed some time. I was distraught and angry. We got in a fight, but stayed together. Now, 4 months later, we still can't come to an agreement. We fight about it. We don't have sex. He's asked me to go back on the pill. We are on the verge of breaking up. He has expressed that we'd be better off if we did. But I beg him to stay because of my age. I feel it's too late to find someone else, date, and then make a baby. I'm so torn and heartbroken.

I really hope someone still reads this thread as I am going through something so similar.

I was with my partner for a year and a half, we were looking at buying a home together and he used to always talk about getting me pregnant and how he was so excited for us to have babies. We both agreed for me to come off the pill in October 2019.

In January 2020, after several symptoms I took pregnancy test(s) and found out we was pregnant. We worked out that I must have been around 6-8 weeks. I was super excited but as soon as we found out he became extremely panicky and really negative. I brushed this off and tried to reassure him that everything would be okay.

I later booked in for a midwife appointment and was told to book an early scan to figure out how far along I was.

Three days before my midwife appointment, while in work, I started cramping and bleeding heavily. I quickly realised I was having a miscarriage. Myself and my boyfriend went to the hospital and I got an internal and was basically told to ride it out and take another pregnancy test in a week.

For the next week, I cried and cried as I felt all my pregnancy symptoms disappear and knew exactly what was happening. Low and behold I took the test a week later and of course it was negative. I was devastated. I was so angry that this had happened to me and I was in so much pain that all I wanted to do was lie with my boyfriend and cry.

However, days after the miscarriage, my boyfriend returned to normal. He went out of town to play FOOTBALL a day after the miscarriage and left me alone crying in our home. Every opportunity he got he would go, if it was to go to the gym, to see his friends, to leave early for work. I thought this was his way with dealing with it. All the while he’s telling me how devastated he was etc.

I am not originally from the city we live so have no family or close friends here and the only person I wanted to be around was him. Because he wasn’t there, I returned to work after four days because being in the house depressed me.

Fast forward to June 2020. Iv been struggling in the last few months, not only due to the miscarriage, but lockdown (coronavirus) and my boyfriends lack of understanding and sympathy. I felt like I was talking to a brick wall, I was telling him what I needed him to do which only included him being there for me, listening to me when I was feeling low and to be honest just being a good boyfriend and person.

July 2020- he breaks up with me. He tells me that he hasn’t been able to truly honest about his feelings towards the miscarriage (he used inverted commas) He said he cannot understand why this is still upsetting for me and why I am not over it. I explained the emotional effect a miscarriage has on a woman’s body to which he said, ‘I wish you wouldn’t call it a miscarriage I would say it was more of a missed period. You wouldn’t have known you were pregnant if you didn’t take the test’ this blew me away. Of course it was a miscarriage and of course I was pregnant. I understand he can’t fully understand exactly how I feel and I have accepted that but saying something so personal and making me out to be dramatic really hurts. He further explained that he thinks it’s ridiculous that my friends and family sent me flowers for MY loss as they were ‘adding fuel to the fire.’ He told me he couldn’t support me because he didn’t believe there was anything to support me for.

I’m sorry this story is abit long but I feel like I have really needed to get this off my chest.

My partner is now of course my ex partner. I am still so so heartbroken, he was the person I thought I was going to be with and now I know all those months of pretending to me there for me has been a lie which makes it all so much harder. I have started to doubt myself that maybe I was being dramatic and maybe if I got over it sooner we would still be together. But I know in my heart that this breakup is not my fault And that he is the one with the problem not me.

I’m so sorry all you ladies have gone through this and I wish you all the best in the future x

I hope someone is still reading this thread..
I am currently in process of miscarriage.my live in partner of 7 yrs left and I haven’t heard from in. I know he has to come back because he still have his things here.

We found out we were pregnant Christmas time. We were both excited and and sacred at the same time cause I was already a high risk person to get pregnant due to prior history and being 40 puts me at a higher risk. But we stayed positive and excited.at our first Appt we were told that the they couldn’t find the heart beat and was too small. We did a follow up and was told that it’s not growing and not a viable pregnancy. We went n got a second opinion and was told that my dates could be off and was recommended to get bloodwork done.then we found out we found out we have to sacs .. twins.. so we were excited and sacred being that we go from one sac, not viable, twins. maybe this is why it’s small and cannot detect heartbeat because of dates too. Unfortunately after having another bloodwork done my hcg level has decreased and was told that it will lead to miscarriage. During this process I also found out that he had cheated on me in December. He had met up with this woman to make out. I had went thru his phone and saw all conversations. It broke me. This is the man that said let’s build a family together. After we found out about the pregnancy not being viable, he comforted me and said we will try again. I felt relief but at the same time the cheating part lingered so I had to ask him. He snapped and said you went through my phone, we are not even married, do whatever you wanna do, take the pills and walked out on me. He hasn’t come home for 1 day now. I took my the meds that the Dr.prescribed to expedite miscarriage.because I don’t want to delay the process any longer so I took it.it’s been a roller coaster ride. My emotions are all over. I’m in pain enduring the process of miscarriage and he is not here. I don’t understand how a person can just leave you when you need them the most.yes it was wrong I went through his phone(I did this due to his previous history, my gutt instinct was screaming at me).but to leave me because of that reason is so unreal I have no words. Sad and numb but needing him. I don’t know what to feel anymore. Yes I love him but losing my baby and leaving me when I need him the most... I don’t understand... I’m lost of words

@Amelial I would recommend you start your own thread lovely, so you can get some support.

I'm so sorry. I think he is a complete shithead to do this to you at such a hard time. He is angry because he was caught. It is you who has the right to be angry at him xx

Hi everyone,

I know this is and old thread and It seems to me this page is all about women’s experiences and I’m so sorry you’ve all had to experience a double loss. I know exactly how hard it is, thought I can’t explain how it would feel from a womans perspective as I myself am a man.

I was with my ex partner now for just under 3 years. We had broken up a few times over arguments and stuff but had been really solid for the past 18 months or so and i’d never been happier. We spoke about marriage constantly and how we wanted to spend our lives together, move out, have kids etc. We even had a few bids rejected on a few houses so we were serious about living together. We were actively trying for a baby for around 4 months and she woke me up with a phone call from work telling me she was pregnant. I’d honestly never been happier, felt like all my hopes and dreams had come true and the life i always wanted was about to happen. We are both 26 and i felt like we were at the perfect stage to have a child as i always wanted to be a father around 27 if i had my own way of course. I remember going to tell my auntie and just walking around in constant circles as i was so excited I couldn’t even sit down.

One night i was at my friends house, celebrating with them the fact I was going to be a father when around 1am she called me, id missed around 8 of her calls at this point as she was asleep and I wasn’t expecting anyone to contact me. She was crying explaining how she’d been bleeding heavily and she was really panicking, i googled her symptoms and really calmed her down. To this day i wish i went to sneak into her house that night and be there for her physically but i just froze after the call and she fell back to sleep as she had work the next morning.

The next day the bleeding continued and clotting started to form, we knew the writing was on the wall but went hospital in hope we were wrong. 7 hours in A&E ensued and they confirmed we had a miscarriage, we drove home in silence. She had an abortion at a younger age before she met me and was crazy about having a child, in a good way, so i knew how much this hurt her.

I comforted her best as i could, consoled her, said we would try again and we’ll be together forever so we will have a baby again soon and we never really spoke about it since. We kept trying afterwards but around 6 weeks later i sensed a different energy from her towards me for a few days and then a few days before my birthday she broke up with me.

I spent my birthday in a pandemic alone, crying my eyes out in my car, she didn’t want to see me on my birthday and sent me a pretty standard happy birthday message. Its been 5 months since our break up, i’m blocked everywhere I can’t contact her and even when I do she doesn’t want to talk to me. I wasn’t a perfect boyfriend i made mistakes and said bad things during arguments but i truly loved her with all my heart and i’m still broken now 5 months later. She reached out to m recently to apologise and explain how the miscarriage affected her and she hasn’t been the same since, i went straight to her house after a 12 hour night shift with no sleep and was there for her even though for 5 months she put me through so much. We talked we cuddled we kissed everything felt like it was going back to normal. Saw her the next day and the same happened and on the third day she started ignoring me again.

My baby would have been born god willing a month today. I miss her so much, all i want is to be with her again and have a child with her and be there for her. Ladies if u can offer me any advice im so lost and broken. Just last night i cried alone for over 2 hours on my night shift at the realisation of what’s happening, I don’t feel like i can even date or be with anyone else let alone to the point of having children with them.

I really don’t know what to do, I feel like im gonna have a physical breakdown and end up in hospital or something every day feels like a chore and im so miserable and hurt I don’t know how much longer i can cope like this. I pray everyone in this chat has healed from their experiences ❤️

Hi there, I am so sorry to read all of these stories and so sorry for all of yours losses. I just came across this thread…I’m currently going through this. My ex partner and I got unexpectedly pregnant in April and I had a missed miscarriage in early June. He fell apart at the scan and continued to retreat for the days after. I was still in shock and not yet processing what was happening as I was still waiting to actually miscarry. He slept in the guest room on the last night and I went to check on him in the morning and he began angrily yelling at me. He asked if he should leave and I said yes and asked for his key back. I apologized hours later and he said his heart was closed to me. He said he would show up for the subsequent appointments and I found this confusing and said no. I later asked him to come to the d&c that I had to have because my body wasn’t miscarrying naturally. He said no and went with friends on a retreat. He never checked in on me and hung up on me when I tried to speak with him. I’ve apologized thousands of times for saying he should leave and he says that I I ended things and he can’t be there for me and has now blocked all communication. I talk to friends and family and therapists…but he’s the only one I want to talk to because he is the other half of the experience. I acted out of sadness, confusion, fear and grief and am being held to an impossible standard without any sense of forgiveness. I’ve sent him articles on hormones and how women may react dying a miscarriage. He wouldn’t read them ans told me I’m on my own. It hurts. I feel really alone and spend most days trying to hold it together. Thank you for sharing. It makes me feel much less alone.

This thread hasn’t been posted on in a couple of years so I really hope I’m not triggering anyone by posting here. I was googling my situation and I’m shocked to see how many people are going through something similar. My partner and I had been together happily for 5 years, we were on track to get married and I thought he was my forever person. We fell pregnant unexpectedly and miscarried. He left me the day after telling me he didn’t want children, something we’d planned together for the last 5 years. Hoping some of you can tell me it gets better, I’m very much in the depths of the pain.

Hey@Lemoncake89 , I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. I am the original person to have posted this original thread way back in 2016, and I can tell you it will get better trust me and you will find happiness. Although it was a horrific experience, which I wouldn’t wish on anyone… looking back it was a blessing in disguise. I deserved so much better than my ex partner, I just didn’t realise it at the time, and 7 years on I can’t believe I didn’t see it. I took the time to work on myself, went to therapy, read books, took up exercise, made new friends and took up a new career, which I love. It will get better trust me.

@clare2016 , that's so good to hear, and I'm really pleased that things got better for you too. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

@Lemoncake89 by all means take the time to grieve and cry it out, but please don’t stay in that pit of despair. Stay strong and take each day at a time. Do one small thing each day to make yourself feel better, whether that’s treating yourself to a Starbucks, a walk in nature, a phone call to a friend, petting a dog, listening to music or doing something nice for somebody else. You have so much to be proud of and thankful for. You will get through this x

@clare2016 I have just come across this entire thread and I am happy to hear things have worked out for you.

I am so sorry to hear of all the bad experiences.

In some way, I can't help feeling it was a blessing in disguise that these men revealed their true colours like that. As in - you can be rid of them and not have to waste any more of your life with them. Any man who leaves his partner during / just after miscarriage is not a man worth being with, and you all deserve so much better. They would have turned out to be shit fathers.

Found this as was also looking up things relevant to my situation - had a similar situation last year. Had a stillborn boy at 6 months, followed by a patch of incredibly loving support and warmth in our relationship but then a few months later he withdrew, started being weird and resistant, ignoring messages - and then split up with me.

He then seemed to change personality almost, at least in front of me - completely wrapped himself up in work and networking and going drinking/clubbing, would get angry at me if I tried to communicate emotions relating to what had happened or was in a state of needing support from him in any way.

This whole thing totally floored me and broke me, had severe impact on mental health, am still reeling from it now several months although I can feel I’m slowly making progress.

Reading this thread helps me not feel so alone, and it brings a lot of hope to hear the OP’s situation is so much better now.

But also so hugely devastating to hear how much this happens! feel such sadness and anger and disappointment that there are people who’ve been led to a point in their life where they just up and leave when something hard comes up in life and love. Especially in these situations humans are grieving and traumatised, and all people need is love and support and at least some attempts at empathy and connection.

much love to everyone out there xxx

Hi there, just found this post as struggling with everything atm. I was with my boyfriend for around 1 year … fell completely in love with him. He told me lots of times how he wanted a baby with me and how cute it would be. I fell pregnant on early Aug 2024 and he was really up and down. Saying he couldn’t have a baby anymore. I still really loved him and came to the idea I would do it alone. Then on Sept 25th 2024 I found out I had missed miscarriage. I feel so hopeless, I had planned everything for this baby as I am 31 and feel like this will be the only chance I get to have a baby. He said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He’s been supportive and here for me for the miscarriage but I feel like he’s doing it out of duty and will end up just leaving me again and not talking to me or ghosting me h. I feel so heartbroken, loosing the baby we shared and loosing him. I don’t know how to heal and I’m scared. I feel like I won’t ever get this chance again. Any words would really help xx

@PearlMermaid I am so sorry you're going through this. I think I posted one of the original posts in 2019 and it was the hardest thing I've ever been through.

Please know that things are going to get better. After my miscarriage post, I was actually diagnosed with breast cancer. I thought all hope of having a baby was gone.

I'm currently sat next to my new partner and 6 month old baby on the sofa at the age of 42! You are still really young and have plenty of time to find the right partner and have a family.

@Hellyp42 Thank you for your reply. I’m so sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis and hope you are all clear now ❤️
Hearing that you are now cuddling your baby on the sofa has given me some peace and happiness. I’m so glad for you x
I am taking each day as it comes, some days better some days worse. It feels so all consuming right now. I know life’s goes on and hopefully I can have a happy ending like yours. After reading people’s stories it’s helped me a lot as I’d never known anyone who’d been through this.