My friend has miscarried - what do I say?

[Miaou]

My friend miscarried yesterday and is very distressed about it. I haven't seen her yet but will be spending quite a bit of time with her over the next week. She has been trying for a baby for about 5 years (she has one ds already), and I think she had only just discovered she was pregnant.

Thing is, I am one of those people who is prone to say the wrong thing (I am repeating, mantra-like, "don't say never mind you can try again" - tend to blurt out stupid comments in an attempt to be helpful. Can anyone tell me what they wanted to hear/didn't want to hear just after they had m/c? And did you want to talk about it/ be approached first/ avoid the subject? TIA.

Don't know how the wink got in there - unintended.

I;ve not had a miscarriage and so don't know how it feels - I said this to a girl who I used to work with who had been trying for ages and also said I was sorry but couldn't possibly imagine how she's feeling. She said that was the best thing anyone said to her..

Miaou, I think the key to this type of situation is to be there for your friend and listen to her whatever she has to say, whilst saying little yourself.

Miaou - you sound like a really caring friend. I had a miscarriage 6 yrs ago - have had 2 ds since. Its frightening just how common m/c is. Best advice I can give is to for you to give her a BIG hug when you first see her, tell her that you're really sad/ sorry etc and let your friend dictate the direction of your conversation. If she wants to talk about it, listen and take your cues from her. If you're not sure what to say, I suggest that you're honest with her and say you don't really know what to say but that you're there to support her. Best Wishes.

Thank you very much for your advice - good to know that I am thinking along the right lines.

I agree with all these things. Listen and respond to her feelings. I was appreciative when people seemed to understand how upset I was - some people even seemed to be upset too. While I obviously didn't want to go around making people sad, at the same time it was a huge comfort to me because you go through a whole range of emotions, including often a feeling that you are totally over-reacting - so it is nice to have permission to feel comlpetely shite! Hugs and friendliness was what I needed. And both the opportunity to tell the whole story again and to talk about something completely different!

questions i specifically did not want to hear (although i appreciate you may not ask these anyway as you know the answers):

• how many weeks were you? (translated in my mind to "hardly worth getting upset over if it's early, is it?"
• how long have you been trying? (translated in my mind to "well you've hardly been suffering the pain of long term ttc, have you?)
• do you already have children? ("well maybe you should be grateful for the one you already have?)

perhaps people didn't mean it that way but the overall sub-text of questions like these seemed to be... "so, just how sorry do i have to feel for you then?"

Just be there - talk about other things as well - I found it difficult some months after my miscarriage when friends would ask with all the best intentions if I was preg again, when would I start trying again? I found this difficult as I wanted to be pregnant but it wasn't happening.
I also understood that friends meant well but would say things that were upsetting. I also found it hard to look after dd when all I wanted was to be sad by myself - perhaps your friend would like a break from looking after her child just for a few hours - even if you just played at home with them - in case your friend feels anxious if her little one is not around.

Miaou, sorry to hear about your friend. There is a miscarriage accociation leaflet which gives advice about how to support people who've suffered miscarriages. I can never get a link to the actual page to work, but go to this page and then click onmore' under Giving information' and then on `know someone who has suffered a miscarriage'. Ho-pefully that should work.

Comments that I found upsetting were things like:
Oh, there must have been something wrong with it anyway' (yes I know that but I still thought I was going to have a baby and losing that is what hurts), You can always try again' (I wanted THIS one), and
`It'll be OK next time' (how do you know that? Nobody knows that! What if it isn't? What if I never get pregnant again?).

Hope that helps.

Miaou - my sister had a miscarriage last month and I started a thread just like this and got lots of brilliant advice.

I just tried to search for it but can't find it - can anyone help me out?

Hugs to you and your friend

I agree with what gingernut said: `You can always try again' (I wanted THIS one)

I'm really getting sick of people saying this to me. I know they only care and I do love them dearly. It's just saying that question just seems really hurtfull to me.

But yeah back on track, as long as your there to give her hugs and just there you don't really have to say anything much. I'm sure she'll be aprecheative n' happy just to have her friends around her.

Message withdrawn

Thanks for all your advice. I have followed lots of it and (so far) haven't committed any bloopers I'm aware of. Trying not to tiptoe around her too much either, but I know she has other closer, supportive friends around who she talks to.

GP came to check on her the other day, though, and said to her, "you do realise it wasn't really a baby that you lost?" I was so horried and upset for her. I found that out on Wednesday and it is still making me mad. Just had to get that off my chest!!

I mean "horrified". That'll teach me not to preview.