I'm so desperate to shout. "You are so naive!"

[FrazzleRock]

I read something just now. A very lucky lady has just discovered she is pregnant. Obviously this is wonderful news for her. She is quite understandably ecstatic. As was I when I found out we were expecting our babies.

But I am chewing my fingers off to stop myself saying anything. Now I have entered this nasty dark world of miscarriage and babyloss I feel like I've lost all that lovely innocence
She's so excited about the baby being due in the summer and talking about morning sickness. Now I know 1 in 4 pregnancies ends badly, I can't help but feel so sad for these women. I just cannot bear to think of it happening to anyone else but it is going to keep happening and people are going to continue to have their lives shattered.

I want to post a congratulations, but I just feel so desperately sad for her and have this awful anxious fear for her . I felt exactly the same as her before I experienced miscarriage, just totally and utterly naive. I expected to meet my baby three weeks ago, there was no doubt in my mind that I'd be holding my baby in my arms. But I am not. I am empty.

Obviously I won't say anything but it just pains me so much and I hope hope hope that she doesnt experience this devastating heartbreak.

That's it really. I just needed to write it down.

Thank you for starting this thread. It's so sad to hear of other's losses but has been a comfort to me to know others just get it. I've been doing ok recently up until this week when an invite to my dh's group of friends 3-way wet the babies heads knees up on Saturday. I had to email the organiser to explain why it would be difficult for us to attend, but from his reply I don't think he really got what I meant. None of the guests at the party have ever suffered baby loss.

Marmite It is so sad to hear of others going through this. Life is such a cruel horrible thing.
FWIW, there is no way I could have gone to something like that. I declined a baby shower for the same reason and the host was very understanding thankfully.

What I am finding really hard right now is, apart from the pregnant step sister of my DP, his own dad doesn't seem to be on the same page as us at all. He doesn't believe our baby was even a thing. He thinks the fact that we named her is odd. He also thinks that all of the things we have to remind us of her is causing us more pain and we should get rid of it all. He said he is treading on eggshells around us for fear of saying the wrong thing. From what I have heard I'm sure he would say the wrong thing. I feel so sad that he doesn't see our little baby as his granddaughter, yet he is welcoming his step daughter's baby with open arms. Yet I found a text from him from before our baby died and he signed it 'Grandad' .
I wonder (god forbid) if she was to suffer what we had, would he think the same as he does about our baby, that it is nothing? I doubt it for some reason.

I hate that they are all rallying around her like she is the victim and I have scared her. My own DP said she needs protecting, not me . I feel quite alone, despite havign great freinds. Sometimes you just want family to be there for you and be on the same page as you.

PS, I have reported my thread title as that spelling error was driving me bonkers!

You're definitely not alone. I wonder whether people see our son as a person, if they don't, they have sense not to say so to me. We wanted people to 'know' him, that's why we gave him a name and set up a memorial website so we could share his story and photos with friends and families. He was an ICSI baby too, which makes the loss even harder somehow as we wanted him so much!

My cousin sent me pictures of his baby son in hospital last week and that set me off. He sent them to DH at work one day, and then to me at work the following day. I'm happy for him, but our boys were supposed to grow up together, is it too much to ask for some sensitivity?! I have a problem with baby pics taken in hospital, it makes me think too much of my own birth experience, (which was unexpected, quick and traumatic as I knew my baby would die as he was to little to survive outside). I ended up crying at work for the first time.

Some people have pleasantly surprised me with their sensitivity and support, not always the closest people to me, and others have shocked me.

It's nice to be able to vent!

oh god so glad i found this thread.

sorry for everyones losses. i suffered an mmc at 9 weeks followed by my son being stillborn at 27.

i am currently stuck in an office every day with someone who announced their pregnancy at 6 weeks and constantly talks about how ill she is as if it is an illness etc etc and people asking how r u, gloating over the scan, saying what an exciting year moving out and having a baby.

i moved out had mmc and my stillborn son in 10 months. great! fucking great.

it is making me feel ill.

at the same time the rational side of me knows there is nothing wrong in whats going on and im excited for her but im struggling. anyway i know how it feels. awful.

Thanks so much for this thread, there are so many things I can relate to.

frazzle your post about your DP's dad's reaction really touched me, I know just how you feel. I often feel upset and quite frankly angry when I think how my ILs would react if my loss at 16 weeks had happened to my SIL, because quite frankly they've been cold about my baby and I know it would be a different story if if was her. My MIL actually chose a moment when we were all sat round the dinner table in January, when my baby was due, to say breezily 'do you think any of you will want the crib?' Meaning the heirloom crib all 4 of her GCs (2 of them mine) had used but she wanted to know about because she was clearing her house out ready to move. Unfuckingbelievable. I just looked stony faced and said'i don't really want to think about that ' but you know when the blood's rushing in your ears and you don't really know if anyone's heard? If was like that, no reaction.

wowee I'm so sorry that is horrendous. How cruel people can be without realising it. Wishing you strength.

I think one of the things that's so hard is we don't want to spoil things for others, and we don't want to advertise ourselves as 'the person no one can talk to about babies' as that's not fair on ourselves or anyone else either. Just so bloody difficult.

Blueroses That is exactly why we named our baby. To be honest we didn't even know she was a girl but wanted so desperately to give her an identity. I couldn't call her 'it' anymore, it felt so unnatural.
We were actually due to have a private scan the week following her death which would have revealed her sex in a blood test. To think we were more worried about a chromosome issue than of her actually dying is crazy now I think about it. Along with so many other things, like buying decaf coffee and avoiding all the things you're not supposed to do or eat/drink. What was the point? Anyway, we decided she was a girl because, apart from us all having a strong suspicion she was, I had a dream before she died about her. I can still see her little chubby face all bundled up in a white snowsuit .
Some people have pleasantly surprised me with their sensitivity and support, not always the closest people to me, and others have shocked me.
Yes I have been really surprised. Like I say, I expected family to be the first to understand, but they are not. People I've not spoken to for ages along with new found friends (we recently moved) have been far more supportive.

wowwee I am glad you found us too. I am so sorry for what you have been through, and everyone here.
I have two older DC from another marriage which I struggled to conceive.. This year, with my wonderful DP, we have suffered a MMC at 9 weeks (Emily) and then we had a very early MC a couple of months later. Literally the day we got our BFP. We had utter bliss for five sweet hours before I began bleeding
This year has been the worst. Along with our tragedies, DP has had on/off Labyrinthitis, DS1 has had shingles, DP and I have had mumps, then DP told me he refuses to try again so I will never have a baby with him, then my fucking EX H announced he and his GF are having a baby (obviously all is fine for that pair, not that he fucking deserves it), then DP's family are upset with me for upsetting their darling step daughter. Then my lovely colleague loses his baby five days after he is born. That sweet little baby died because his poor mum's water had been leaking for weeks
Just seems like the shit is never ending.
I want this year over with now. I totally understand that it is making you feel ill, Wowwee. Every single day is a struggle.

eastegg Gosh, that really is unbelievable. What is it people cannot grasp about sensitivity and compassion? It's like all their morals and basic human emotions have had some sort of malfunction. It's fucking incredible isn't it?

east you nailed it.

i spend every working day in a cycle of dont say this and dont say that and at the same time hating that i should feel like i cant talk about my son.

people seem to forget so quickly.

the worst for me is talking like theyre the only one who knows what its like to be pregnant. last year i was pregnant for 41weeks in total. i think id bloody know.

the room goes silent whenever i refer to my pregnancy. this morning they were talking about their scan and how baby was so wriggly. i piped up about having the same experience. then someone else said it makes u panic doesnt it?

makes you panic? ive lived through it. ive lived through getting bad news that no1 wants at a 20 week scan. why not ask what it is like, say im so sorry you had to go through that.

people have no idea they really dont and then i hate myself more for not speaking up as people who have been through this or are going through it shouldnt have to suffer in silence.

wowwee - If someone said that to me (makes you panic), I'd say something. I'd tell them exactly what it was like. Fuck'em. As someone said upthread, people need to know about the 'yuk' bits of like. Life isn't all sweetness and roses

i just cant bring myself to do it.

im such a soft touch. spend all my time tippy toeing around. i was dying to say when they need to bring someone in that's when you panic but i dont want to put a dampener on someone elses pregnancy.

its shot because they all think theyre out of the woods at 12wks and 20wks is just to find out boy or girl i was the same embarassingly but 20weeks is the point where most serious abnormalities are diagnosed. i feel like saying ffs do your research.

reality is though, for most people, things will go smooth and baby will arrive healthy at 9months.

if only people did the same?

I know what you mean about being a soft touch wowwee. We went to Greece 2 weeks after our mmc, it was a planned holiday. Dh used to live there and he wanted me to meet people ando see the place. I've lost count of the amount of people who asked when we were going to start a family, was I pregnant yet. Neither dh or I had the courage/ heart to say what gad happened, we just did the polite British thing. I wish I'd been feeling strong enough to tell the truth.

I did the same with my DC. The 20 week scan was, in my sweet innocent and rosey world, to see what sex they were. I knew in the back of my mind that they would be checking for abnormailties but "that wouldn't happen to me!" . Thankfully it didn't for the DC. But how stupid was I! What on earth was I thinking back then?

I was in a cafe with DP at the weekend and right in my view was a couple with their brand new baby. Looked about the same age Emily should have been (around three weeks old). I couldn't stop staring at them and thinking "Do they even know how lucky they are?" I actually don't remember thinking that when I had the DC, even after the struggles we had to have them. I don't remember just going "Wow, how lucky am I that they survived".
I was straining so hard to hold back the tears, I lost in in the end when we had moved on from the cafe. I just broke down outside a shop. Realised DS2 is getting older by the second and I will never experience that littleness again. I said to DP I just don't want DS2 to grow up. He is my last little one. But then how lucky am I to even have him and his older brother. Why can I not just be content with thew two boys I have?

this is why the silence around mc and pregnancy loss is a failure to us all.

we should be able to talk. we shouldnt feel guilty. if you were bereaved by a parent or a friend or an aunt people would show compassion but they dont even get the chance often in this situation.

or think you dont want to talk about it fen when they dont know. i want to talk about my son as much as the next person talks about their kids but nobody wants to hear me.

i want to talk about my son as much as the next person talks about their kids but nobody wants to hear me
Me too. I am proud that I was hers and she was mine. We should talk about them. Maybe we should just keep talking and ignore the awkwardness. I think I will do that. I'm going to just be proud and talk about my baby and my pregancy like anyone would.

Exactly. It is I, portant. They are important.
We have a rose memorial in the garden for our baby bean, guarded by ornamental bunines and lit by fairy lights. I say goodnight baby bean, I love you, every night and go and have a little chat during the day.

Frazzle Emily sounds so sweet, and what a lovely name.

I'd love to hear about your son Wowwee, if you would like to share.

Same to all you other lovely ladies.

(Sorry for short message, am still supposed to be working)

Not everyone will be so naive though. With our first, I had read all the stats and sort of expected that it may not go to plan. I didn't shop until after 24wks as I then started to think baby was viable. Of course things could still have gone wrong but... we then had Ds2 fairly quickly but in between ds2 and ds3, we had 3 MCs. However, I still felt hopeful and joyously optimistic despite the loses. It didn't make me think all doom and gloom. So it may well be that others are aware but choosing to be optimistic.

for your lose. You are correct in that we need to be more open about MC and SB though. However, some people would still actively choose not to hear sad statistics when pregnant.

blueroses sorry for your loss but I take exception to your statement:
. He was an ICSI baby too, which makes the loss even harder somehow as we wanted him so much!

EVERY baby is wanted so much, EVERY baby is loved, missed and grieved for, no matter how they came to be. My "natural" losses mean as much as to me as if they had been concieved any other way, of course they do. Trying to not see it as you saying your grief is "worse" but it's hard to read it any other way? Apologies if this offends but maybe you could think about your wording?
to us all.

Onenerfwar I'm sorry that my comment came across that way, of course I'm in no way putting my loss or any assisted conception loss above a natural loss. There is no hierarchy for grief. I'm sorry for your losses

What I was trying to say (clumsily) is that it makes it so much harder FOR ME. I am also grieving the fact that I might never become a parent as well as grieving for my son.

I know blueroses I'm sorry, just having a bad day and feeling very sensitive. Nobody could say anything right to me today I don't think!

I'm so lucky to have DS but I swear if one more person says to me "oh you only have the one? Don't you think he'll be lonely/spoiled/selfish/insert your favourite stereotype of single children here" I will scream!!! Do people never think there may be reasons behind family sizes they are not privy to? Aargh!!

Re the family size, we ended up with 4 because of how we felt about the loses and the premature deaths of our parents and siblings. People still assume we're feckless though.

I'm really upset at the thought I might have offended anyone. I'm full of fertility drugs at a time when I should be 36wks pregnant. I'll be in my 2ww on my sons due date. I had one embryo out of 24 eggs last time so I'm terrified of it not working. I lost my son due to a condition that's preventable though not diagnosed until pregnancy loss so 'next time' they can put in a preventative stitch. But I found out today that it might have been caught earlier if they'd asked me the right questions about my health originally. I'm a wreck today. I'm so sorry if I offended.

thank you everyone. and sorry to all on here that have suffered a loss.

unfortunately some people are that naieve its not a case of trying to be optimistic. i will just keep my fingers cross then never experience my hurt as i wouldnt want anyone to go through what i did.

its nice having somewhere to vent though. some days i wonder how i will get through a day at work and am so shocked no1 wonders or asks how i am.

A friend sent me this, it rings true.
Mrs DeVere I see you around a lot and always think you are so strong and give a lot of support to posters in need.