Arguments after MC

[MsBearL26]

I desperately need advice after MC 2 weeks ago. To set the scene I've been with DP 2 years and we live between our 2 houses at the moment, mostly at mine but go his at weekends to see his grown up son. Anyway since my MC all we seem to do is argue. He can be quite an abrupt person and doesn't talk about emotions, i'm much more open I guess. Few days after MC he said work were sending him to Germany for 4 days so I spent this time at home alone trying to recover. He's home only a day and says he's got to go back next week. I almost burst out crying last night as he told me but his 13 year old daughter was in room so I kept quiet. He later shouts at me 'are u gonna stay like this all night'. I try to explain how low I feel but he starts with the insults, even said he's glad he's not having a baby with me now and what a waste of money his vasectomy reversal has been I feel close to breaking point. He's gone to work now, I asked to talk this morning but was told to make it quick so I didn't bother. Feel like taking all my stuff and moving out (stuff I gave in his as I stayed here last night). Got wardrobe full of clothes etc here.... Ideas? Xx

Oh Bear, how horrible for you. First of all , having had a MC just a couple of weeks back means you must still be reeling and you're very sensible to acknowledge. your need to recover. I'm a recurrent miscarriage sufferer, so while I can't tell you what to do, I can offer thoughts from my own experience. My DH was useless following - and even during - our first miscarriage. He wasn't nasty, he just didn't get it. To him there was no grief as he never perceived the pregnancy as a baby. He's also a shit nurse and doesn't have any sensitivity regarding emotional turmoil. I was very very angry with him, and we had several big argents before i finally got through to him that he needed to stop trying to fix my emotional state by glossing over things, and actually support my recovery by allowing me to grieve. A further 4 miscarriages (don't worry, it's rare)and now pregnant again and he's finally got it knocked. He was still shit when my dad died 3 months ago, but at least i know he has it in him to do better, and his ineptitude is not due to a lack of love or effort. If I were to give you any advice it'd be take plenty of time, find support from other people in your life if you can't get it from DP, and don't give yourself the hard work of evaluating your relationship and how/if to fix it until you feel stronger. again xxxxx

Thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear or your losses and wish you all the luck in the world with your pregnancy. We spent last night apart, texted him n told him I'd taken my stuff etc. Replied it's not what I wanted but if u do ok, I shall leave u alone and he has! Heard nothing. Woke up feeling so empty and that I now how 2 losses to deal with. Want to text him (sorry) but friends say leave it to him. He still has to get his stuff from here?...xx

I would leave his ass!!! He seems like he only cares about himself and his own feelings. To make a phone call quick so you're not "bothering" him is just so rude! He should be sensitive to your feelings and give you all the time in the world to grieve. You deserve to be happy and not feel sad in a relationship. Leave him!!

Hi Bear, so sorry you're going through this at an already difficult time. Personally I would go with my own gut and screw what anyone else thinks. MC is hard... On us, on relationships.... Do what you feel is right, only you know. Hope you get some support from people who will let you work out what you want to do, not only tell what they think they'd do in your situation, as in truth is none but you can know what they would actually be doing or feeling in your shoes. You know what the relationship was like before the MC, and if you want DP to have the opportunity to help put things right. If you both felt invested enough in the relationship perhaps Relate would be a useful step forward to deal with some of the issues that have come to light because of the MC?