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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Losing twins please handhold, I don't even understand

50 replies

Emptyandscared · 05/08/2016 13:27

Had minor bleed month ago put on bed rest, was 9 weeks. Started bleeding v late weds night 13+4 admitted local hospital but was moved yesterday to specialist unit when scan looked ok but bleeding worsened overnight and scan this morn showed no heartbeats.

Am traumatised beyond words & am also alone and I don't understand what is happening - first doctor said need D&C but now another is saying that's not possible & need be induced as D&C may not be effective. I cannot face labouring, I just can't but he was clear D&C not option but just not explaining in any way I understand, my brain seems to have just shut down, I just can't believe this is happening.

Please tell me what to ask as there must be surgery option? Labour now know all lost terrifying & barbaric and I just cannot face. DP can't get here until tonight & I am just so fucking lost. I can't believe all was ok & now not ok.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/08/2016 15:19

Oh no, so sorry to hear/read this. :(

I don't know why they're telling you that a D&C won't be effective either but if that's what they're saying then there will be a good reason for it.

MCs do suck - the first one I had, I didn't want anyone other than DH to know but in the end I had to call MIL as well (because she worked in the sodding hospital where I'd gone with the bleeding, and because DH had care of DS1 and had to take him home and work, leaving me alone). She was very sympathetic, I just know she's very blabbermouthed and didn't want the whole extended family knowing my business - which of course they did once she knew.

Please stop blaming yourself. MCs can happen to anyone at any age for any/no reason and twins are more likely to MC than singletons, I believe. There is nothing you did to cause this, and no it wasn't crazy to TTC either (mind, I would say this, having had DS2 at 45). You are just very unlucky.

((((hugs)))) for you - hope your DP can get to be with you soon. x

HermyOne · 05/08/2016 15:19

lots of hugs for you

I'm sorry this has happened but it's not your fault. Be kind on yourself.

What time will DP arrive?

Snowflakes1122 · 05/08/2016 15:19

So sorry you are going through this.
Thoughts are with you

Lulooo · 05/08/2016 15:21

No matter what you think you did, it's not your fault. Being older is certainly nothing to feel blame worthy for. It was meant to be this way. Just allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling- scared, sad, anxious, upset, grief. But not guilt. That would just be being cruel to yourself unnecessarily. Hopefully your DH will be with you soon. We all need our mum sometimes, no matter how grown up we're supposed to be.
Sending lots of condolences, hugs and prayers for you.

Dontknowhowtofeelnow · 05/08/2016 15:45

So sorry for your loss. and

Afreshstartplease · 05/08/2016 15:47

So sorry op hope someone is with you soon

ChatEnOeuf · 05/08/2016 15:55

Sorry for your losses

They must have their reasons for saying a D&C wouldn't be possible - please do ask so you understand.

I've lost twins, though at an earlier gestation - they are a very fragile pregnancy and do miscarry more often than singletons. It's nothing you've done. By resting up since your initial bleeding, it sounds like you've done the right things.

Hope you have someone with you soon.

Bearfrills · 05/08/2016 15:59

I had a medically managed miscarriage at 15wks. I took a pill at outpatients and then came back the following day for more pills and had to stay until it was over.

The reason it's done with pills is because once your uterus gets to a certain size it's safer to do it that way than to do surgery, at least that's how it was explained to me.

I don't mind answering any questions you might have about what to expect, based on my own experience.

It's a horrible, shitty thing and as much a betrayal as it is a loss. OP, nothing you did or did not do caused this. It just happens. It is not your fault, please be kind to yourself

paddypants13 · 05/08/2016 16:03

for you op.

You are not at fault, you do not deserve this.

Be kind to yourself.

Original poster

Emptyandscared · 05/08/2016 16:21

TY all.

Have been given more diazepam to relax muscles as left leg & foot keep going into cramp. Is nothing compared to rest of it but frightening as so out of control and hurts.

Consultant expected 5.30 but this is a specialist unit so I am now not priority I was yesterday given they have ongoing high risks to manage so it might be later. Person coming here is liasing w private OB Hosp not far from where I now am as could offer same expertise for whatever next but w guarantee of own room & privacy for that as well as keeping me away from births. Do not think could handle that.

OP posts:

woodly2013 · 05/08/2016 16:29

Sending you heartfelt love, care and support. I truly feel your emotion, pain and bewilderment. Seek support from those closest to you, you need them and they need you. Much love and thinking of you xxx

whohasnickedmyvodka · 05/08/2016 16:33

I will be lighting my special candle for you later that is the one i light for my dd eve who I lost at 17+4 thinking of you and sending you love xxxx

SestraClone · 05/08/2016 16:35

Do you have someone to fend off the emails & phonecalls that your youngest DC is getting? Hope DP is there for you soon - does he have an ETA?

Newes · 05/08/2016 17:03

I hope you have support in rl there for you now and the best outcome that is possible at this time.

Original poster

Emptyandscared · 05/08/2016 17:14

DC not fending calls or anything.
DC does not yet even know what going on but is v used to my disappearing at short notice due to nature of work & when I left was asleep. Person proactively fielding calls is PA type person who also jumps in for childcare if/when needed but is also friend,
She saw my PC open as left it & had the good sense go thru mails to manage them so I wouldn't need to. Appreciate may not make much sense but sitn not normal (pus now feeling very v spaced out).

Cannot meet anyone's eye at all. Got her to leave soon as dropped off what needed. Going to try sleep now, am exhausted.

TY for explanations re surgery labour.

OP posts:

PigeonPie · 05/08/2016 17:15

Empty - you poor thing. Yesterday was the 12th anniversary of exactly the same thing happening to me with my twins.

Whilst I can't know how you felt, I still remember the emptiness and utter loss I felt.

At the time I didn't want to labour and just wanted it over but even a few days after I was glad I'd gone through the delivery (I've never called it a birth).

Don't' blame yourself - you are not to blame (however old you are). Mine was a placenta failure with twin to twin transfusion syndrome and for a time I did blame myself, but really, it was just one of those awful things which sometimes happens.

If you want to pm me do. I'll be thinking of you.

Lizziedoll · 05/08/2016 17:21

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a mc two weeks ago, it gets better. Don't give up. Sending hugs

SestraClone · 05/08/2016 17:25

I think I understand, glad the DC are not having to have difficult conversations without you.

Hope it all goes as well as can be expected and that you have support & love.

PigeonPie · 05/08/2016 17:29

Also, don't worry about what the staff 'think'; whilst it's not something they deal with every day, most of them will realise that everyone deals with the horror and grief in different ways.

Original poster

Emptyandscared · 05/08/2016 22:36

Lead Consultant explained all more fully & I do now understand the why. Ironically the hospital I am now in is the one had been referred to & was due here for scan & appt on Tuesday although we are trying to arrange a move to another hospital as there is no certainty I'll stay in single unit here & I really cannot face being in a shared space either now or for next step.

Also explained that what's happened is not uncommon and nothing I did or didn't do would have changed what's happening. Was v v kind.

I'm not on my own now and won't be so for that & other reasons I won't be posting again. Thank you so much for handholding earlier, I'm not great now but better than earlier [flowers{

OP posts:

Notsure1234 · 05/08/2016 22:45

Thinking of you glad you're not alone anymore.

PigeonPie · 05/08/2016 22:48

Empty, you will have a huge range of emotions and I certainly remember being very alone even when DH was with me because no one around me actually understood what I was going through.

I'm glad you're not alone now, but my offer still stands - and it could be days or weeks before you feel the need or are able to talk - so if you ever do need to talk I'm happy to listen.

Original poster

Emptyandscared · 07/08/2016 09:51

I don't know how to pm on phone but wanted say thank you Pigeon for beautiful message & v kind offer, an touched & grateful x

OP posts:

SestraClone · 07/08/2016 16:58

Hope you are coping ok

PigeonPie · 07/08/2016 20:16

Empty, I've had a look and I don't think you can pm from the app, but if you log into the pc version or even the web version on your phone you should be able to.

Otherwise, I'll keep this on my threads I'm watching and just post here if you need to talk.

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