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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Not ttc after a miscarriage - anyone else been through this?

17 replies

YummyMummy34 · 25/01/2007 12:45

I had a m/c just before Christmas. The baby was unplanned but would have been loved and wanted.

My DH will not consider ttc again. I am devastated as all through the m/c I thought that trying again would be a little bit of hope after an awful experience. I have wanted another child for a while (have a DS of 6) but the time never was right.

DH and I are talking it through but all the posts on here seem to be from you lucky ladies who try again. Anyone else been in a similar situation??

OP posts:

kitty17 · 25/01/2007 22:05

Hello,
I was in the same situation, a good few years ago, however I do have a son now... all I can say is keep going, i thought it would never happen again, but thankfully it did, I put it to the back of my mond and i seem to relax and then it happened.... it did take a few years though for me, hopefully it will be quicker for you... dont give up hope...

lissielou · 25/01/2007 22:08

im going thru a mc at the mo, and at the mo never want to ttc ever again. dh feels pretty much the same way, but this too will pass give it time. this is my 4th mc in 18m and each time i say itll be the last time i put myself in this position but things do change

bearsmom · 26/01/2007 07:56

I had a m/c at 11 weeks last July (baby would have been due tomorrow ). The pregnancy was planned but I'd had to try quite hard to convince DH to ttc that time and, though I'd like to ttc again now, like your DH, he's completely against the idea. We've had a rough few years (he's had depression, other health problems and unemployment to deal with, I had PND and DS was a v. sleepless child until 22 months, which pushed me to the edge), but I am 41 and feel like my time is running out for this. I'm hoping that DH will change his mind but after lots of soul searching I'm trying to hold onto the thought that I'm incredibly lucky to have DS and DH (didn't meet DH until I was 36 and by that point had come to accept that I might never have children, so even having one child feels like a big bonus) and I really should, as Kitty says, just relax about the whole thing. I do hope your DH changes his mind soon. Will keep my fingers crossed for you.

Lissie - so so sorry to hear about your m/c. I've seen some of your messages on other threads and so hoped for you that this pg would work out. You have extraordinary courage and I wish you lots of luck for the future.

Coathanger · 26/01/2007 08:24

I had a M/C in August 2005, baby was unplanned but, like you, it would have been loved and accepted. It would have been our 4th child, and DH was 100% against having anymore. We argued for the whole time I knew I was PG and then I lost it. DH felt very guilty and was very good to me, but when the question of TTCing again came up, he was completely against it. I was mortified as the only hope I could see was to try again. DH and myself very nearly split after 12 years because of this, but as time went on, I came to live with it all.

I still miss my baby, I still cry for him/her even now, and I have told myself that one day my circumstance might change. I have decided to go to university now, something I have always wanted to do, and now I have the opportunity. I do think that perhaps losing my little one was for a good reason - so I could go on and learn, and offer something back (I will be a student midwife in a few weeks).

I found support and love on the TTC After M/C thread on here, but more because it was frequented by other women who had suffered as I had, but it was very hard at times when others were trying again and being successful. I was over the moon for them but saddened as I knew that it wouldn't be me...well, not yet.

I know how you are feeling, YummyMummy, but don't give up hope, as hope keeps us going. Things change, and maybe one day you and your DH will decide to add to your family.
This is a very hard thing to advise on or offer help, but what I can offer is understanding and empathy. Its a situation where I can say,honestly, I have been there and you will survive. I wish you all the best YummyMummy, and I hope things work out.
In the meantime, take good care of yourself, try to get on with life as best you can, and maybe, with a bit of hope, things might change.

Lots of love xXxXxXxXxXxXx

p.s. Lissielou, thinking of you xXxXxXxXxX

Original poster

YummyMummy34 · 26/01/2007 14:08

Thanks for your support - I was starting to think I was the only person who wasn't trying for another baby. It seems to be the one thing everyone says after they hear about a mc 'you can always try again' - I suppose it is meant to be some comfort. Will keep talking to DH but I think his mind is made up. I am so lucky to already have one happy, healthy, child.

Bearsmom - will be thinking about you tomorrow, stay strong. Good luck at Uni!

Lissielou - so sorry for your loss. I was watching your thread yesterday and was worried about you.

OP posts:

lissielou · 26/01/2007 14:21

my mum keeps saying you must be so relieved, or its natures way of weeding out the weaker ones wtf does everyone assume that you want to hear this

northerner · 26/01/2007 14:26

Hi yummymummy, I m/c last April and we are not ttc anymore. I had sort of talked dh into it anyway, although he was happy of course.

After my m/c my emotions were all over the place, and even now I do not know if I want another. We have a 4 yr old ds and life is good, dh thinks a baby could rock the boat, though I know if I push him he'll give in.

But I enjoy my life now, and although a baby would be nice, I don't have a huge urge.

There is no shame in not ttc after m/c. We wanted that baby, not neccassarily another one.

Does that make sense?

bearsmom · 26/01/2007 15:03

Lissielou - that's such an awful thing for someone to say. Has she ever experienced m/c? So many people don't seem to understand how devastating it is, and I guess perhaps they feel bad for you but don't really know what to say, so end up saying exactly the wrong thing. Hope you are getting the support you need from elsewhere and are taking it as easy as you can.

Coathanger · 26/01/2007 15:40

Hi again

Lissielou, at the time those sort of comments are no comfort at all. It doesn't matter if it was "nature's way" or "meant to be" (which is another all too common phrase) but after my experience, it is all people feel they can say, even those who have experienced such a horrible and heartbreaking time. However, as time passes, you will come to understand what they were trying to say. They are not trying to dismiss your loss, or make it seem insignificant, but are trying to ease your pain. Nothing can justify what has happened, nothing can ease the pain of losing a baby, whether it was for a physiological reason or not, but time will make it easier. You are right, you DO NOT want to hear these comments right now, you are grieving and it is completely justified. But, in time you will come to feel better about those comments.

I bumped into a friend in the school playground the other week. I mentioned I hadn't seen her for a while and she told me she had been in hospital after having a M/C. I found myself having to make a conscious effort not to say "well, it happened for a reason". And yes, science has proven that most M/Cs are as a result of a genetic problem, but it is not the time to tell people that.

I genuinely wish all of you that are going through hard times right now, and those of you that have experienced the heartache that this brings in the past, strength and courage, and send lots of love your way
xXxXxXxXxXxX

yeahyeah · 26/01/2007 16:55

I am in the same situation, we have twins and found out it was twins again before having a miscarriage so my husband doesn't even want to consider trying again. I feel quite sad about it as I would like the option...who knows what will happen though. Reading other people's posts who are trying again does make me feel a bit sniffly...I suppose at some point you just have to stop though, I guess you just never really want to make that decision.

lissielou · 26/01/2007 18:37

i think at some point you have to decide enoughs enough. part of me doesnt want to admit failure iykwim, but part of me thhinks- god, can never go thru this again

LRWG · 30/01/2007 09:08

After our second miscarriage it took DH and I a year to feel strong enough to TTC again. Comments such as the one made by Lissie's Mum are unfortunately all too common - I don't think people realise the pain that they cause. I know I will never forgive my Mum for some of the unthinking comments she made.

My thoughts and prayers are with all you poor ladies in this awful situation. xxx

lizziemun · 30/01/2007 10:03

I understand how you feel, i had a mc last june it would have been due on saturday (dd 3rd birthday) and although we didn't say were not ttc we didn't take any prcautions as it took 18mths to fall for dd and another 18mths to get pg again to lose it at 8weeks, i have just found out in the last 2 weeks that i am pg again.

littlefrog · 31/01/2007 10:04

yummymummy, you have been braver than I was about posting on this subject. I miscarried at the end of May last year - an unplanned pregnancy. I was completely devastated (I had no idea before just how agonising it would be). All I wanted to do was try again. (we don't have any children) DH was not at all keen on this. He felt very ambivalent about the idea of children at all, and before the unplanned pregnancy we'd said we'd think about things in November. I know it's not long between June and November, but I couldn't bear it, like you the only thing I could think about was being pregnant again.
Anyway, I did get pregnant first cycle after m/c and to be honest, although I'm really pleased about it, it's not been an easy run. DH felt that it had happened far too quickly, that I'd not listened to his feelings, and that he wasn't ready for this baby. I felt that it takes two to make a baby, he knew it was possible, and if he felt so strongly he shouldn't have taken the chance (he says he couldn't cope with seeing me so upset).
We talked about this properly recently, and both realised that it probably would have been better for us both if we had waited a little longer. DH says even a month would have made a difference to him, and if he'd said it was just a month at the time, then that would have been ok - it was 6 months that felt so horrible.
Sorry - that was a long personal detour - is your DH adament about never, or is it just not now? Have you explained about how you feel - not just about another child, but also about the whole maelstrom of post-miscarriage emotions?
Thinking of you...

Original poster

YummyMummy34 · 31/01/2007 14:12

Littlefrog, congratulations on your pg - hope all goes well this time. I don't feel that brave posting on this subject - I thought I was going to be told to pull myself together!

DH is adamant he doesn't want to ttc ever again. He says he hates to see me so upset but his mind is made up. He asks what he can do to help and all I want to scream back is 'change your mind' - don't think that will help the situation. It takes 2 to make a baby and I don't want to bring a child into the world that may be resented.

I think with this mc I have actually felt grief for the first time - total emptiness.
I know it has only been few weeks since the mc and my hormones are probably still all to pot - I hope time is a good healer...?

OP posts:

bearsmom · 31/01/2007 15:17

Yummymummy, I have found that time does heal. It's six months since my mc and although I do still think about the baby every day, I don't feel tearful nearly as often as I did in the months immediately following the mc. Don't underestimate how long it can take to recover, both physically and mentally and don't let anyone tell you you "should be over it by now". Recovering will take as long as it takes. And from my experience it's harder if you don't ttc again. I had an mc in 2002, but we started trying again straight away and ds was born early in 2003, so I was always able to put the mc to one side since if I hadn't had that mc I would never have had ds, who I wouldn't be without for the world.
Do you have friends in RL who've had similar experiences? I've been really lucky to be able to talk to a couple of friends who've been through similar experiences and they've been lifesavers for me. DH has been supportive but he's grieving too and so being able to talk to friends who have first-hand experience of what I've been through has really helped. And because they know exactly what I'm going through I know they don't think I'm odd that I'm still grieving six months on, like my dear mother does.

Original poster

YummyMummy34 · 31/01/2007 19:37

None of my friends in RL have had a mc that I know of - so glad for them, you wouldn't wish it on anyone. So they all tip toe round the subject the best they can (nobody has dared ask if we are ttc again, but I'm sure they will!)

Will definitely try and relax about the whole thing - I am so lucky with so many other aspects of my life that really I shouldn't complain. You read some threads on here and suddenly your life doesn't seem half bad!

You can't change the past but you can decide your future path in life (most of the time)

OP posts:

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