MMC, not sure how to feel

[ktt512]

Hi everyone,

So we had our 12 week scan on Wednesday morning and found out that I had had a mmc, baby died at 9 weeks. I am absolutely devastated, internally I feel sort of like the world has ended, in that moment all of the plans and hopes I had for the future just disappeared and were replaced with uncertainty and something like a black hole. We had a private scan at 8+6 and baby had a strong heartbeat and was wriggling around, I never expected this outcome, which was very naive, but i'd seen the heartbeat, I saw my baby alive and apparently doing well.

I'm holding it together, mostly for everyone else. My parents have been supportive and fantastic, but my dad was really upset for me and I didn't want him to feel like that, so I brazened it out and gave them all the logical reasons for why this was for the best and tried to show them that I was fine and I was handling it. And then there's my step kids, they're too young to understand and I don't want them to have to see me fall apart. My OH seems to be handling it well, which in a way is a godsend because he's definitely helping me hold myself up, but I don't understand how he can be so fine.

But really, how is it ok to feel? How long is it acceptable to hide from the world? I don't want to see anyone else, I don't want to have to talk about it, I don't want to have to seem to be ok. I've been off work since Wednesday, the thought of having to face everyone makes me want to run away. Because of the nature of my job, my team had to be told and my boss had to tell his boss. But without mine or my boss's permission, the senior boss told her counterpart, who then decided he could tell whoever he wanted, so most of the office ended up knowing without me telling them.

I'm going in to hospital tomorrow for medical management and i'm terrified. I've read far too much and I really don't know if i've made the right decision. I just can't understand how such a happy time has turned into a nightmare within 30 seconds :(

Hi, so sorry for what you are going through. I miscarried on Sunday, was just over eleven weeks but perhaps it died earlier, will never know. I have taken all week off work and I don't feel I can talk to anyone apart from my husband. I do feel like I'm in some sort of abyss and only time can heal this, not sure how much time though. Sorry I can't help with positivity but certainly have empathy.

I'm so sorry.

I really wish I had something to say that would make any of it better, but I don't. And I can't imagine how you are feeling right now.

All my love.

x

You are allowed to feel exactly as you do. When I had a mmc I wanted to hide from the world. I was devastated, furious at the unfairness,felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world, useless and hopeless.
I too had medical management. I wasn't offered anything else and anyway I just wanted it all over. It was ok
Can you contact someone at work and say you don't want to discuss this and would rather no one mentioned it when you do return. Get signed off for now obviously.
I'm sorry if this is terribly insensitive but I wanted to add I now have two kids. At that stage I never thought I would.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Be gentle on yourself and allow yourself to grieve.

So sorry you are going through this cruel and devestating experience I can empathise with how bleak everything seems right now and with you not wanting to see anyone. You need to take all the time you can away from work if that's how you feel you will cope best- I was given a sick note for two weeks after each of two mmcs. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve.

Hi honey, I'm going through exactly the same thing at the moment. For me I never got to the 12 week scan, we discovered the baby had stopped growing earlier after I went in for a scan because of spotting and pain. I had a second scan on Tuesday which confirmed a MMC. I should be 10 weeks but the baby stopped growing at 6. My body hadn't recognised this at all so I was still getting all the strong pregnancy symptoms.

I went in for medical management on Wednesday - intially I was going to wait a little longer to see if nature would take its course but because it had been so long the hospital was worried about infection. Also I just couldn't cope with the waiting around anymore. The medical management itself was very quick, had a meeting with the doctor where he explained all the risks and then a nurse gave me four tablets vaginally and another two to take six hours later at home orally. I was out of the hospital in 35 minutes. I had mild cramps and bleeding within an hour and took codeine and paracetamol that the hospital gave me, I'm not going to lie by three hours after it hurt ALOT. I was having full on contractions with it being excruciating pain and then suddenly stopping, the nurse had told me at this point to just sit on the toilet and push because the really bad pain comes from pushing things through your cervix. She also warned me that it affects your bowels as well, and it did :-( The side effects from the drugs at this point were also horrendous, I felt shivery but boiling, like I was going to be sick and really dizzy and out of it. My pain was so bad my DP called the hospital ward and then said the pain level wasn't concerning because the drug is the same one that can be used to induce labour (they never warned me about that!) and to take more painkillers as long as didn't exceed the 24 hour dose. So I had four codeine, two paracetamol and two neurofen within about four hours!! To cope I alternated between pacing up and down the bathroom and sitting on the toilet rocking back and forwards. After around 45 mins the really bad pain had subsided and I was able to lie down on the bathroom floor with a hot water bottle and under some towels because I was freezing cold at the point. About two hours later I had to take the second lot of pills and I was terrified the pain would be as bad again, but fortunately it was nowhere near as bad. I had more neurofen and codeine and I did get the contraction like pains again but they were much milder but I did push out some huge clots at this point :-( I had read lots of stories about medical management and some have had really bad pain like me, while others haven't had bad pain at all. I imagine it is probably connected to if you take the tablets orally or via the vagina. And if your body was already getting ready to get rid of the baby or not.

Although it was a horrendous few hours I would actually still opt for this treatment if I had to go through it again. It is less risky than surgery and plp I have spoken to about natural miscarriage have said the pain isn't as bad as the medical version, but it does go on for several days passing big clots and tissue. Mine looks like it was all over in one evening, I have had cramps here and there in the days since Wednesday, but my levels of bleeding has been fairly low. I would also recommend having two hot water bottles. One for your front and one for your back.

It terms of how you are feeling, it is totally shit and nothing anyone does makes you feel any better. I had a bit longer to prepare for the bad news than you as I had to wait a week for second scan to confirm, so I think it hasn't hit me as hard. However today I am feeling really sad and down, and can't stop crying. The doctors warned that as your pregnancy hormones dip you are likely to suffer with a dip in mood as well.

I have been off work since Tuesday, I had to tell everyone what had happened and I'm dreading going back. No idea how I am going to cope with it to be honest as I am a teacher, so I'm surrounded by children.

I hope I haven't scared you or made you feel worse, I think it helps to know that level of pain isn't anything to worry about. All I had read about was period like pain, and it was so much more I thought something was wrong.

I just feel lost now, not really sure what to do or where to turn. Not really sure of the future, scared of trying again and I just want to hide in my house and not have to talk to anyone. Xxx

You can feel whatever you feel. And how you feel will change and that's ok. And you'll feel thing about it forever. And that's fine too. I've had 2 rainbow babies since my missed miscarriage 5 years ago. I still think about it and am sad sometimes.

And I bet your DH is holding it together because he thinks he needs to for you. Or is scared / upset about how you are feeling. Like you are with your dad. It can all feel like a big mess. Talk about it if you can.

ktt512, i'm sorry -- it's a terrible thing to happen and is a big shock. It isn't much discussed, which makes it hard to know what's 'usual' esp. as the professional advice is so brisk. It happened to me last summer (finding out at the scan, waiting 3 days for a procedure) and I had to go to my best friend's wedding 250 miles away the day after the procedure followed by a big family party the day after that (at which I'd planned to tell everyone the good news...). I basically felt numb at first but I found it was actually good to be at the wedding as it took my mind off it, kind of, but I did feel very upset at certain points at the family event. So I'd suggest staying away from work if possible but not necessarily going into 100% hiding from friends and family, and perhaps telling a close friend if you feel able to.

I'm sending you all a huge hug.
I went through this nearly 7 weeks ago. It was a week before our 12 week scan that I started bleeding, we went for a private scan and there was no heartbeat and baby bean had stopped growing at about 8 weeks.
It's difficult to describe the devastation to others. I miscarried naturally. Horrendous. Cramping, contractions, blood, clots. I had to go into hospital for fluids, but was only in about 6 hours. The miscarriage itself lasted about 36 hours.
There is no normal, everyone deals with it differently. I've spoken to a lot of people - I'm not scared to talk about it - and there are so many women go through this, and it is just brushed off as one of those things by the medical profession.
I'm also a teacher. I had the 2 weeks off before half term, then we went on an already booked holiday to Greece, which was lovely, but then back to work on the Monday.
I managed Monday in kind of a sleep walk, but broke down completely on the Tuesday and had to have the rest of the week off. I then went back on one week phased return and have been back full time for 2 weeks now.
It has been very tough, but I love working with children, so I am enjoying being back in the classroom. Colleagues have been very supportive and understanding which has helped greatly.
I still can't go back to some of the things I did socially and for hobbies. Too many people is completely overwhelming.
I think it's fine to hide away, until you're ready, but make sure you have people around you who you can be yourself with. I have a couple of really good friends who came and kept me company when my husband was at work, and they let me rant and rave. I've been going to Cruse as well for bereavement support and that's really helping.
Physically, everything returned to normal for me, I had my period 28 days exactly after the miscarriage had finished, and we're trying again. But I know that's not right for everyone either.
Keep talking, it will really help, you're not on your own.
Much love xx

Thank you everyone, I felt some relief in posting my original post, I'm not actually having to verbalise how I feel but it's coming straight out of my head on to the page.

user1466610292 thank you for your post and I'm so sorry you had to go through that! I had read a few stories about medical management being done at home, but my hospital is making me stay in until it's over. In some ways I'm glad because hopefully they can give stronger pain killers, but I think I would feel more comfortable at home. I'm worried about the bowel thing because they've said I have to expel everything into a cardboard tub which will be in the toilet and the nurses have to check everything that comes out - it seems so undignified to have show a nurse excretions that have nothing to do with passing the baby. With the horror of the whole situation, I don't think I need to add to that with someone examining my bowel movements.

My OH bless him, called me about half an hour ago and asked me what I wanted to do on Sunday, as if all would be back to normal. I didn't have the heart to scream at him like I wanted to. I can't imagine i'll want to do anything but curl up in a ball and howl. That's all I really want to do now.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had a mmc a few months ago, mine was a blighted ovum, so the baby never progressed much past 5 weeks or so, but my body didn't realise and I had very strong pregnancy symptoms. I even had a bump.

I miscarried naturally at home but ended up in hospital anyway due to excessive blood loss and passing out. I needed medical management the following day because the mmc wasn't complete. The medical management was painful, the staff were excellent though and I had some strong painkillers that did help. Do ask for pain relief because I think it is experienced differently for different people and some cope better with the pain than others so they may assume you are ok. Please, please do not worry about pooing in the tub, they won't care and you probably won't when it comes to it. The staff have seen it all before and really don't bat an eyelid.

Emotionally I feel ok now. I struggled enormously whilst waiting to miscarry at home. Afterwards I was very anaemic and felt so unwell I couldn't really get to how I felt emotionally. I'm a SAHM to our two small children and it was just about getting through the day. I still feel sad when I think about it, it was a sad and difficult time. Try to let yourself feel whatever you feel and just be really kind to yourself

Also, the "getting back to normal" thing... my lovely, thoughtful DP kept saying this. He meant it positively, moving forward, trying to find a way through. But it made me literally want to scream. We talked about it I explained how I felt, he stopped saying it immediately but I don't really think he fully understood what I meant. For me, I felt that my entire world had shifted slightly, my outlook had changed forever and although we were for anyone looking from the outside "getting back to normal" it felt unobtainable for me. A few months on my feelings have softened and the normal I have found is slightly altered by the mmc. You will feel better than you feel now. But right now it is totally shit, scary and a physically frightening time. Don't forget your hormones will be all over the place too. It's absolutely ok to howl in a ball.

Hey ktt, I think I would have felt better being in hospital because it would have been nice to have someone on hand to say if everything was going normally and ok. Also stronger pain killers would have been nice. I panic with really bad pain, which makes it a lot worse, but having someone there saying everything is ok and normal helps me to calm down.

I hope it goes as smoothly as it can do for you tomorrow, once it is done it does help I think, i have found a little bit more closure now. I don't think it's just a get back to normal in a few days thing though. Every day I have woken up feeling different, some days I think yes I can do this, others I don't see the point in the world. I would also say if you are going into an NHS hospital take a hot water bottle and a flask of hot water with you (or some of those period heat pads that you can stick in your clothes) as they aren't allowed to give them out to patients but they really help.

I know exactly what you mean TwentyTinyToes, my world and even who I am have changed, shifted is a good word.
I'm very good at 'acting normal', and people think I'm coping really well, but they don't see how exhausted I am and how I'm in tears as soon as everyone's gone.
Nothing seems important any more. I feel empty inside, the emptiness is so evident after having been pregnant. I used to be a really gregarious, outgoing person, and now I prefer to be on my own in the garden, where we have a rose as a memorial to our baby bean.
Sending more love to everyone who's been through this. It really is the worst thing.