4 years ago i lost my baby

[sallycn]

To be honest i'm not really sure why i'm writing this but here goes!

I lost a litle boy at 21 weeks, nearly 4 years ago. We called him Max. He would have been our 3rd child. My waters broke at 18 weeks - completely gone and despite trying a rare technique called amnio infusion (putting water back in basically)there was a big hole in the sac and it all came back out. At this point we chose to end the pregnancy - his lungs would never have developed without fluid and had i managed to carry the baby to a viable point in all likelihood he would not have survived. We chose this route after much consideration - for us, for our other children but most of all for him. I am considered a very strong person, which i probably am. The first year was awful, i think i cried every day - but it has got easier. However it has really come back to haunt me recently - a combination of reasons i suppose. He would have started school this year - a proper little boy, a real milestone. Also last year i gave birth to a beautiful little girl - but the pregnancy was traumatic, in hospital from 22 weeks with bleeding and i thought we would go through it all again. She was born at 27 weeks and despite her tough start is doing really well. We are truly blessed to have her but she does not replace her brother.
Anyway this is long and convoluted - i suppose the thing is i never get to talk about Max - he is never referred to, sometimes there are vague references to 'that awful time'(don't get me wrong, my family are fantastic - i just don't think they ever want to upset me, and vice versa). So i don't really want/need any replies - just wanted to write about him. Thanks for listening!

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Oh sallycn, poor you.
sending you lots of hugs

that is very very sad....what a traumatic thing to go through x

Just wanted you to know you have been heard.

hope sharing some of the experience helps.

i do feel for you. anniversaries often bring back the pain, dont they? (that's if it ever goes )

i have a friend who lost her little girl at 16months. she would have been 5 next month. i still talk about her, as i think they still want to.

Thinking of you sallycn

Sally, how sad. Max is and always will be a part of your life. x

It sounds like it would do you good to be able to talk about Max with your family - he was a person and although his time was brief he lived and you loved him. So I say congratulations on your beautiful child, and all that he was. I'm so very sorry for your loss, but so glad that your dd is doing well.

tahnks for all you kind(and quick!) responses. You've made me cry (in a good theraputic sort of way!). I deal with it well to be honest and life is good - but i so want him to be remembered, even if that's only by me.

so sad for you, time to heal just takes longer than you are told it will.

Oh Sallycn, your Max was your little boy, and you probably wanted to post on here just to talk about him. Maybe you should try to talk about him in RL if you can, make him a real part of your family history.

I've had a little cry reading this, I think maybe because I too have a Max, which highlights your pain at loosing yor Max.

I'm glad to hear about your Max though, whereever he is he'll know his Mummy loves him very much.

He deserves to be remembered, is there something you might like to do, like celebrating his birthday or a headstone or similar? Don't feel you should shy away from that for fear of hurting your family - this is an intense grief, and there are many positive ways you could give it form - from a charity donation page to a website or being a vocal member of a certain community like amyjade is (her lovely dd was lost at 19 months' age to meningitis).

Max will be remembered in prayers tonight - my friend is at all-night vigil and I will text her asking her to say a prayer for him.

Hi Sally...Something very similar happened to my little boy, I had bad bleeding from 10 weeks and then my membranes ruptured at 23 weeks. There was no fluid at all left for him. He was induced at 24 weeks, as they also detected a step B infection and said his best chance was to be born, but his lungs had not developed enough and we lost him. He was with us for 6hrs. I cry every day...it is so painful. For us it is very early as he was born Nov 2006, so Im not sure how things will be in the future. Already close relatives do not go to his grave, for example at xmas or really mention him. It is very hurtful.
I log onto sands as that gives me an outlet and freedom to talk about my son to people that really understand. It's not for everyone, but it is a comfort to me.

I am so pleased your daughter is doing well.

Much love to Max...XX

rahrah

hi Rahrah, thanks for your message, i am so sorry about your little boy, it really is a horrible time isn't it? I can remember all those mornings waking up and feeling ok for a couple of seconds and then my stomach sinking when i remembered.

i too bled from 12 weeks with Max - my own theory is that the constant bleeding just irritated everything so much that my waters eventually broke. I had blood tests to check for any blood clotting disorders but none was found tho' the consultant did say that there were probably lots of these types of disorders that had not been discovered yet. He said it would do no harm to take low dose aspirin should i get pregnant again - which i did and although i bled again, it didn't start until 22 weeks - so anyway, will never know if it did any good or not.

Hope you're doing ok.

Thanks sally for your message... Exactly the same as me.. I've had some clotting tests and they have come back negative, but my consultant said I could still have one that have not been tested for and he will put me on aspirin in my next pregnancy. I think me uterus was really irritated, as just had such bad stomach ache after that first massive bleed. The bleed was so bad I had to call an ambulance...as it just was not stopping and I had huge clots. I am going to Birmingham for some more clotting tests as they are going to do some different ones and repeat them. It has been found that the tests have to be completed in certain conditions and repeated on several occasions. Many tests are coming back negative, when in fact they can be positive. If a clotting disorder is found then shots of heparin can increase a pregnancy by 70% to be successful. Aspirin only increases the rate to 40%.
So by taking the aspirin you more than likely ensured that your daughter survived.... amazing what a difference a small tablet can do!

I agree, this is such a difficult time...it's going to be a tough week aswell as my friend is having her baby on Wed and my SIL is having her baby on Friday.(One is a C-section and one is induced) so will defo have the babies on those days. I think I'm going to find it all very difficult...as they are all getting what I should have.

Thinking of our little ones.... Max and Bertie

Take Care and thanks for your message...really appreciated XX

Sally i have nothing to add really except max will always be a big part of your life as you know. (((hugs))))

sallycn Hi, i've only just come across this thread.

So sad to hear of your loss.
I do understand how you feel though.

Last saturday was the 7th anniversary since i lost my little boy, and like you my family never talk about him and that hurts like hell.

Just because our babies didn't survive doesn't mean that they have to be forgotton about!!

Time helps us to cope with each day, and some days are loads better than others.
As mothers we will never forget, or fully get over our loss.

Baby Max will be remembered on here.

Also rahrah thinking of you as well.
It'll be really tough when you see family and friends with their babies.
I remember that feeling so well.
Email me if you need to.

sallycn - ddi you do anything in his memory?
I bought two rose bushes for each of my lost babies, and take great pleasure in looking after them, especially on the anniversarys of due dates and loss dates. Mayb you could plant something that will be beautiful to look at, at Max's special time of year.
thinking of you.

10 days ago was the 2nd anniversary of our little boy Taylor. We lost him at around 18 weeks because he had a heart defect.

At his funeral we laid some white roses and have been back each year to lay some more.

We don't really speak about him much - hardly at all actually but we remember the day he was born and we take time out to visit him and remember that he was once part of our lives.

I have had a ds since loosing him and your right - the new baby cannot replace the old. But I'm sure grateful for what I have as I know how precious and fragile pregnancy is and I cherish both my kids all the more for loosing Taylor. At least something good came from loosing him.

I hope you find your own way to remember Max and feel better soon. I have struggled through January and I hope February will bring a smile back to my face.

So sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult your decision must have been...

I feel for you. I too lost a boy at 20 weeks. It hurts and it is a very strange pain for people to understand.

People on here understand.

Sallycn, I'm so sorry Max died. I lost a ds, Tom, four and a half years ago, at 21 weeks. He had already died in the womb so we did not have the difficult choice you were confronted with, but a good friend had a very similar situation to yours and took the same decision.
My family talk about "that sad time" "your awful sadness" too, they never mention Tom by name. Although clinically I was more fortunate than you, my subsequent pregnancy with dd was a nightmare and nearly sent me and dh over the edge.
I found this years EDD anniversary really unexpectedly hard for Tom - as you say, it is the run-up to starting school I think
I got a lot of help and support from SANDS and it is never too late to contact their helpline to talk about Max and your feelings about his death.
I can really second diddle's suggestion of a special plant or tree for Max. We had a funeral for Tom but no grave and instead we have a lovely little crab-apple tree in the back garden. At this time of year it has little scarlet apples on it, very cheering, and very popular with the birds. The blossom in spring is lovely too.

hello

thanks for all your kind messages. I think the saddest thing is that i am the only one who remembers (or thinks that i am the only one). Also i think that the gestation that we lost Max at makes it very hard for other people - he was classed as a miscarriage - was some weeks from being viable = but we have pictures and feet and handprints (i have never shown these to anyone else - poor little soul was very bruised by the delivery and i think the pictures would be upsetting to other people) - and he was very much a proper, albeit tiny, baby. The decision we made was very hard, but in retrospect was very much the right one - lots of research into lung development suggests that without fluid at 18 weeks he really stood no chance - so i am at peace with that. Just sad that it had to happen.

We don't have anything like a tree to remember him by - but he's always with me and that's enough for me.

Thanks again everyone - i'm sorry that so many of you have had to experience similar sadnesses in your lives.