Missed miscarriage - advice plesae!

[feedmenow]

I went for a private scan on Saturday at 11 weeks where I found out I had had a missed miscarriage at 8+1. I am booked in for ERPC on Friday.
I have so many questions going through my head, and although I know that m/c is pretty common and that most of the time there is no apparent reason for it, I still can't help thinking/feeling I might have done somthing wrong. I am hoping that if I list the things that are playing on my mind here on m/n that I might get some feedmback from some of you who might know. And I know that much of what I say is irrational (on my part!) but please just humour me.....

1. Had a facial and lied and told therapist I was 3 months gone, cos I know they don't do them on anyone in 1st trimester.
2. Took Spatone for iron even though the info from my midwives said not to take iron supplements unless discussed/recommended by gp/midwife
3. Ate cheesecake a couple of times without checking re. raw egg

OK, those are the ones that I think I really know deep down won't have really had an effect but these are the ones that are really bugging me..

1. Had a TOP 4.5 yrs ago....is this some kind of fate payback? I have 2 children from prior to TOP, both unplanned (as was pg that I TOP'd). This is the 1st pg I have planned and now it has ended in mc....did I bring this on myslef?
2. I take medication for OCD. Advice is not to take when pg as effects are unknown but my GP felt it best that I continued with the medication regardless. My logical side (yes, there is one!) tells me that this could be the one thing that I should be concerned about. What if it is to blame? What if it were to happen again in the future?

I know that there are so many ladies here who have been through the same, and often much worse, than me. Is it natural to have these thoughts and feelings? How do I just accept that I won't get any answers? Or how can I find out if my medication jeopardised the pg?

I know this is a long rambling message....I obviously have a lot of pent-up feelings going on......

And I can't even spell 'please'.....

I just had a missed miscarriage too...I think they happen so early, it is really just due to a problem with the fertilisation and the embryo just not developing, I think it's too basic even for it to be caused by outside forces...if that makes sense.

I was convinced it was because I got flea repellent stuff for the cat on my hands when I was only a couple weeks pregnant, but all the drs said that couldn't be the cause.

I'm not sure what to say to help, I think the initial guilt feeligns might actually be a sort of anger, and then it changes to proper mourning and sadness and then you start to feel better about it, when you properly come to terms with the loss...that's what happened with me. Just try to be easy on yourself, you are not to blame and things just happen...I couldn't believe how many other women there were in the hospital going through the same thing...it's just that it's hard to make a baby, and it doesn't always go right in the beginning...

I sound very rambly so will stop now! But hope you are ok. I know it is all really hard and a really lonely thing to go through.

Feedmenow and yeahyeah your are having totally normal feelings. I had a missed miscarriage last year and went through lists of things that i could have done to cause it, including a termination when i was younger. Basically no-one will ever know, i now believe that there was a chemical imbalance, and as every one told me it was for thw best.
It takes time to get over it, and now even though i am 8 months pregnant i still think about it regularly, and will always think "what if".
Try not to beat yourself up about it.
My thoughts are with you

Please dont be too hard on yourself, you will drive yourself mad if you keep thinking of all the what if's. I had a mc and a missed mc, and both times I went through all the things I had done but there is just no point. All you can do is think about what you will do next time and dont take any chances that you dont have to.

I had a really hard time after my 2nd mc, and ended up on AD for a couple of months. I was in the same situation in that I had a TOP 17 years ago, and the whole thing came back to haunt me after the 2nd mc. I even had dreams that I had a 17 yo son (dont know why it was always a son) and I had to work through a lot of issues I had around what had happend.

Just look after yourself and do what you need to do to feel better, and dont waste energy in wondering about what might have been.

Oh Feedmenow not you to.{sad] I'm so sorry. I'm sure its not because of anything you did. Its normal to have those feelings, I'm having them to. I know you are feeling emotionally tender right now, but how are you physically? I'm so sorry again.

Thanks everyone. I know you are all right, but it doesn't stop thoses thoughts, does it.....
Hi Paula, nice of you to come say hello. How are you doing now? Physically, I still feel really sick and tired as if m/sickness is continuing. The only thing that is changing is that my skin really cleared up in pg, but now I am starting to get spots again. Am also having horrid pains...quite minor back ache and the odd twinge in my tummy, but also have occasional sharp shooting pain down the front on one thigh, pain by my belly betton (something I had in the first couple of weeks of this pg) and the odd shoulder twinge. (I know its not ectopic - I guess shoulder pain is just a symptom of a number of lower abdominal things).
One more thing I wanted to ask, does anyone know the longest it can take to mc naturally? According to the scan I had on Sat, it would now be 3.5 weeks since the baby stopped..why on earth does my body still want to hold on to it?

I think all of those symptoms sound about right. Have they talked to you about a D&C yet?

I think it can take some time, and maybe wont happen naturally at all. I had light bleeding for 2 weeks, then it stopped for 2 days, then completely unexpectedly the night before my ERPC I lost a huge amount with clots. It was horrible but I thought that must have been all, but when I had the ERPC the consultant said there was still more in there.

Just hang in there until Friday and then you know it is physically over, and can concentrate on moving on.

Feeling any better Sweetie?

There is no set time - my baby stopped growing at 6 weeks, and at 13 weeks my body was still hanging on to it. I had an erpc as i didn't want to wait - i felt it i "got rid" of it, i could begin greiving properly, but not every one feels the same.
Make sure you rest up, and be kind to yourself. It is an awful situation to be in. Have you some friends you can talk to?

Have some fantastic friends, thank god! And a wonderful family too, who all do their bit to try and help. My uncle had me laughing yesterday cos after he asked about me and about what would be happening he went on to say how much he admires what women have to go through and then went on to tell me the story of his vasectomy 30 years ago!
To be honest, I just want Friday to come and to get it over and done with. I don't think I'll really know how I feel til its done.

Glad you are ok feedmenow - hope it goes ok tomorrow.
xx

Poor you! Hope you are feeling okay, wish I could help. I totally understand feelings of guilt, went through the same. Not only me, but family members as well - my mil tried to teach me to knit (hopeless, coz I have 10 thumbs!) on Sunday, 1 day before my m/c, and she thought it was the stress of knitting that triggered it, bless her heart. She was so upset. Dh was quick to reassure her it had nothing to do with that. I have to admit that handle some extremely dangerous VOCs at work but took loads of precautions and kept contact to an absolute minimum but I still wionder if I could have been more careful. I've been lucky I guess in that my m/c occurred the day after my missed mc was diagnosed heaven knows what you must be feeling. Just make sure they go through all your options with you several times - I found I had to get them to repeat becuase it was hard to take in all the information.
Sorry this isn't much help. Thinking of you, hunni. Cat xx

just wanted to day I hope it all goes well tomorrow.

I just wanted you to know that I'll be thinking about you today. I hope it all goes well.

How aare you hun?

Feedmenow - thinking of you.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all the thoughts.
Had a scan on Friday morning just so they could verify the findings from the private clinic. Even though I knew it was over I guess there was still some tiny part of me that hoped, prayed, they would say that there had been a mistake and that the baby was fine...but, no. The ERPC should have been done about 2ish but I didn't get taken to theatre til 4.30. I'd had a pessary jusy after 1 to open my cervix so than had mild contractions for the next 3.5 hours. Not ideal, but the nurses and all other staff were lovely, and they even let me have some of their Quality Street when I went back up to the ward.
Anyway, it is over now and I no longer feel pregnant. Sickness all gone, nipples not sore, appetite back to normal.
Dp & I have a lot of talking to do as to whether we try again - I take medication which worries me with regard to pregnancy. Also, I felt sooo sick this time round that I'd actually thought to myself on many occasions that, god forbid something went wrong with the pg I didn't think I could go through the weeks of sickness again. Obviously when I thought that I didn't REALLY think anything would go wrong though!
So, big long ramble over with now. Thank you all once again for the support and kind & wise words. It really is a great comfort to have others there who have been through this and I suppose that in the future I might now be able to offer similar comfort to others.....
xxx

Glad to hear that you are okay (well as okay as you can be in the circumstances). Know all about the holding out hope. Big hugs going your way.