MMC followed by stillbirth, will it happen for me?

[gingerbreadmanm]

Hi

Brief rundown my first pregnancy was an mmc discovered at 9 weeks and finished at 14 weeks (never mc'd so needed intervention with medical management then erpc).

I was lucky enough to fall pregnant again first cycle after erpc. At the 20 week scan issues were discovered with my sons development (diagnosed at post mortem as PFFD). He died somewhere around 24 weeks although i hadn't realised and it was discovered at a follow up scan at 27 weeks. Lucas was born in july last year.

I've not had the confidence to ttc again yet but it's ok my mind. I thought with time i would forget how horrible it was and it would make it easier when i felt ready but just lately i'm starting to realise the fear is getting even worse.

Has anyone been through similar and had a happy ending without any intervention?

The anniversary of everything with Lucas is approaching and if anything i feel like i am getting worse emotionally.

I am now wondering if too much time is a bad thing and if i need to think about biting the bullet?

I can imagine beau.

In real life no1 even mentions my ds. Its his birthday in july ill be surprised if its gets anything other than off me and dp. It's shit. Like it never happened.

I dread scans pirate as thats how i found out he died.

I lost my first 2 boys at just after 22 weeks. Took 5 months too conceive again and I had a Mmc at 10 weeks. The next cycle I conceived my son, who is now nearly to 2. The pain does ease, I promise you.

I don't have any helpful advice to offer as my daughter was only stillborn on the 1st May, but just thought I'd share my (probably stupid) logic about trying again, were planning to try again as soon as possible, obviously not to replace our daughter, but I'm already slightly obsessed with worry about what will happen in the next pregnancy, if we will conceive easily, what care il receive etc. I feel a lot of guilt from loosing my daughter, we found out that she'd been ill for a good few weeks and if it had have been discovered sooner she would have lived, so next time I want to take time out and make sure I pay attention incase it happens again. We no that we want another baby, and il never enjoy pregnancy again (altho I plan to spend a lot more time bonding with my bump next time) so we just want to get the ttc and pregnancy stage of our lives done with in the hope we can move. We're lucky in that we have a healthy DS already and we no what caused our daughters death and that it's incredibly unlikely to happen again, iv been googling for weeks and I haven't found a single other case like ours, so there's nothing standing in our way other than our emotional state. I worry that people will think we're moving on too quickly but it's not like that at all, both me and DH just feel that pull to start trying again sooner rather than later.

Hardly anyone in our real lives mentions our baby either, only one person has asked to see pictures and we found almost everyone was shocked that I had to give birth (I was 35 weeks), I haven't found anyone that's had a late loss or even nos anyone that has so I understand what you mean about feeling like everyone has forgotten, people just don't understand what we go through and it's such an isolating feeling. Are you planning to do something special for your sons birthday ginger?

Alb1, oh love x
It really and truly wasn't your fault. I kept DS2's picture inside the bureau for years. When we moved house last year I put it in a frame and put it on top. He would be 19 in a couple of weeks, dd is 18 next week.

Ginger hop on when you need to. I will remind myself to pm you x

Thanks nanny so glad you went on to get some happy news.

alb i felt just like that after my mmc. I had to do it before i give myself chance to be put off. I felt different this time as i had been pregnant so long like i just needed a rest and like you i kind of blamed myself as i had gotten pregnant so quickly with lucas after the mmc. Lucas had also been dead 3 weeks before it was discovered. It didnt even cross my mind i mean i knew he was moving different but at that stage i didnt know what was normal (plus with the complication with his leg and amniotic sheet /band)

As beau said its not our fault.

Wow 19 and 18. It's lovely you have his photo up. Lucas is up in our bedroom.

I haven't thought about his birthday much. It crossed my mind to have a tea party but dp said it was a bit morbid and i can see his point. Im thinking maybe a number 1 reef with a ribbon with his name on and some balloons. Might even do some bubbles or something. Dp was supposed to buy a peter rabbit figurine ages ago for him but never got round to it so maybe get that too.

Alb I don't want to derail gingerbreads thread but I just wanted to pint you in the direction of sands if you've not been pointed that way already.

They have some brilliant support groups that I've found really helpful, sometimes just to speak to someone who honestly understands and finds your situation 'normal' (even though it's not)

Our group meets monthly and we talk about our babies, share pictures on our FB group and generally support each other through tough times and generally just a strange new life that most people don't get.

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

Sorry alb i was so caught up in my post i forgot you had said this happened very recently for you.

I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope you are doing ok.

I'm happy to talk if you need it and as kitty kindly pointed out sands are great. I emailed them right at the beginning and they were supportive. Hoping to go to a group soon when they hold one a bit closer to where i am.

With my baby I noticed a change in her movement 2 weeks before she died (she stopped having her crazy hour in evenings were DH could feel her, but her other more subtle movements remained the same) and I phoned the MAU expecting to go in for monitoring and they told me it was normal, she'd probably just moved, but if I carried on worrying I could phone back the next day. I thought it was stupid advice, I even posted on here about it, but like other people here told me, the midwife said it was fine so I thought it was. Turned out she'd developed an irregular heart rhythm which caused eventually heart failure and hydrops, the consultant said if I'd gone in that day they'd probably have picked it up (I asked a lot of questions and she asked them all very honestly) and they could have saved her. By the time my midwife listened to the heartbeat at a routine appointment 2 weeks later her heartrate was 340 beats per min and it was too late and they didn't manage to save her. I think il always blame myself for not phoning back, I should have realised, looking back it was a big change and I had other symptoms too that I missed. I think the guilt will stay with me forever

Sorry iv hijacked a little there

The reef and balloons sounds like a lovely idea, you could always go for afternoon tea with your DP instead of you don't want a tea party, sort of pay tribute that way

alb that is so sad. Truely though you are not to blame. You followed it up and was assured it was normal. You did what you should have.

I often wonder if lucas could have been saved but i doubt it however next time i fall pregnant i would like to ask the midwife what they can do if you notice anything different and what time you should have a real routine.

With lucas he used to come alive about 7.00pm for half an hour or so but as i say it was early days i didnt know i should be concerned about any changes.

Please dont blame yourself

Thank you for being so nice. I intend to speak to someone (maybe supervisor of midwifes) once wev had all our other results back because I feel like I was given rubbish advice, so I want to no why, and what qualifies as 'reduced' enough for monitoring, and generally to tell them how much impact that rubbish advice has had on my life. If they can give me a perfect reason as to why they didn't worry about my changes in movement then maybe that'l help with the guilt a little.

Sorry for posting all this on your thread ginger I haven't mentioned anything to anyone other than DH so got a little carried away

Alb as others have said, do contact Sands. It's very early days lovely. I remember the guilt but you aren't to blame.

Something that always helped me was that our local church had a bereavement service at All Souls. I always attend and our son is mentioned by name and it is printed in the service sheet. We are practicing Christians and I know it isn't for everyone but it's a tangible.

My next pg was consultant lead and I had much more frequent checks. It was a rollercoaster but worth it.

If you want to speak to midwifes you could put in a complaint via pals. You can do it on email which i find better as you can see it all written down.

I complained to pals about lucas's post mortem results. We were given them in the exact same room as lucas's diagnosis and where we were taken when lucas died. Throught the scan waiting room in a large university hospital.

Pals were really nice called me back the next day apologised, were sympathetic and told me how they intend to improve that particular scenario for future patients.

ginger just going back to your op, which I looked up for Lucas's birthday, so I could pm you, the anniversary days are hard. The first one will be the most difficult so be very kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack. They get much easier over time. Even now I have a bittersweet week because dd was born exactly 51 weeks after Alexander died and her birthday drifts into a not so nice week. I still give myself "me" time on that day.

Eventually you will come to terms with it. Thinking of you and alb and others here.

How lovely beau thank you.

We are off and on hol the week running upto lucas's first birthday then im back at work the day after. I'm hoping that's enough time to deal with it as i could really do without using more holidays.

It's nice to hear it gets better. I keep hoping that if i am fortunate to have more children they will keep me so busy they will become the distraction.