Life after late miscarriage

[AvaMercy]

A month ago I had a late miscarriage at almost 18 weeks. He had a heartbeat only 20 minutes before I was told I would lose him.

We'd had a few worries early on in the pregnancy but had just started to get to the point where we started to relax a little. I still worried daily about all the things which could go wrong but I also started to believe that I would finally have my baby.

And then in one night, he was gone.

And nearly five weeks later I just don't know what to do with myself. There are times when I feel like I can almost be quite philosophical about it, very 'everything happens for a reason etc' but then other times the loss just floors me. Sometimes for the whole day. And I just lay in bed feeling sad and alone.

I have family and I have friends, but I've pretty much ignored them as much as I can. On the few times that I have interaction with them they either try to act as nothing has happened or they speak in cliches and I realise that they have no real idea of how I'm feeling, which makes me feel even more alone.

DH has been wonderful through this. He's hurting too but tries so hard to be supportive. And he succeeds mostly, but it's different for him. He is hurting but I just feel like it's different. I feel like we're both mourning our little baby but in different ways and for different reasons. And sometimes that difference feels like such a gulf between us.

I made a lot of sacrifices to try and have a family. And now that my baby is gone, it feels like all of it was for nothing. And I feel stuck in the place where I can't go back to my life before I was pregnant, and I can't move forward as for so long, 'forward' meant having my baby, and so I truly feel stuck at the minute

I miss my baby so much. And I'm scared that if I try again I'll lose the next. And I'm confused by the fact that right now I'm even thinking about trying again. But I am.

Sorry for the long ramblings, I guess it would just be nice to feel that I'm not as completely alone as I feel.

I am sorry to hear about your loss ...Everything you have written is totally normal...I know I felt the same...

Sorry to hear your friends and family aren't being as supportive as they can be, I guess some people just don't know how to act or what to say so they don't say anything because it's easier for them!

In regards to trying again..Take your time don't rush into anything. Wait until you are ready.
I have had two late miscarriages 19+1 weeks and 20+6, i have no reason to why i lost my two boys but I am now sat here Cuddling my sleeping 5 week old DS so it can happen.
Be kind to yourself xx

Hi Ava,

Firstly, I am so sorry your little boy didn't get to stay.

Secondly, you will get through this. You may not feel it right now, but you will. I have never thought of myself as a strong person, but I am still here and back at work and functioning. I lost a little girl at 19+6 ten days before Christmas and had sepsis and was very poorly . I've had an incredibly rough time since, with prospect of scarring and had to have an operation, but having been through the worst, I know that I can get through anything now.

We haven't been able to try again yet, five months later, as I am being investigated for recurrent baby loss. It has been very frustrating, but, I do feel that as I've had quite a while to "come to terms" with our loss, I am emotionally in a better state of mind, and like to think that I shall be more ready for another pregnancy when we are able to try again the summer.

You will feel awful,mans your hubby too, but just keep talking with each other and take each day at a time. Friends and family don't always know what to say, and to be honest, whatever they do isn't the right thing!

You are most definitely not alone. Sending a big hug xx

So sorry for what you've been through Ava. The way you are feeling right now is normal after going through a late loss, I was exactly the same, felt so isolated and my mind would spin - being positive one minute, but crashing again feeling like it was the end of the world, just awful. I remember feeling especially bad one month after the loss when my first period was due - the hormone crash was horrendous.

It's 3 months since I had a 19 week loss now. Each month has felt like 6 months. To everyone I know it seems like I've just lost him but to me it seems like a year ago. So much has happened in that time, but here I am now back at work and planning a holiday and fun things to do over the summer. I still have moments of overwhelming grief, but they are appearing less and less.

Thank you so much for the responses ladies. I think the fact that i don't know anyone who has had a similar experience, makes things feel even more isolating so that you so much for sharing your experiences. It means alot and they are encouraging to hear.

I've been through a few sad times in my life and have always considered myself quite strong but this has floored me. And it has me really doubting my ability to cope. The loss and the hurt just seems too big, too much.

Did any of you accept the counselling on offer?

MrsGlam, congratulations on your 5 month year old. I'm in awe of your bravery at trying again after two losses. I hope in time I'll feel brave enough to try again. Do you mind me asking whether a cause for your previous pregnancy losses was ever found? I was just wondering whether the successful pregnancy was due to any special treatment or procedures.

JOMH, I'm still waiting for our follow up appointment with consultant. I so badly want to know why this happened, but I've read that a lot of the time there is not always a reason found. Good luck with everything. And you're right, about friends and family, if this hadn't happened to me, I'm not sure if know what to so either. I know they're trying. Hopefully soon, those efforts won't bother or upset me. Fingers crossed!

Marmite,planning for holidays and summer sounds like a really good place to be I think.

Thanks again all Xx

Ava - Sorry for the slow response..
I have no explnation for my losses but we didnt send them to have an autopsy.
In my sucessful pregnancy i had regular scans of the cerix until 24 weeks. I also had progrsterone suppositories and weekly vaginal swabs and urine tests.
I put this pregnsncy suceeding because of the progrsterone as i had no issue with either my cervix or an infection.

Take care and dont rush into making a decision

Thanks Glam, and sorry for my slow response. Some days I struggle with talking about this, even on a forum like this.

Though I think about it a lot, I don't think I'll be rushing into another pregnancy anytime soon. The thought alone scares the hell out of me.

I still miss being pregnant, and the hope and excitement. And I miss my daily chats with my baby. But if i do get pregnant, I doubt it would be so lovely again.

I started my period the other day and it really freaked me out. It confirmed what I already knew, I that I have to deal with what's happened to me before we consider trying again. I do think about it a lot though.

Could I also ask whether your medication and treatment plan was recommended via NHS or private healthcare? As you can imagine I've been doing quite a lot of reading up on the investigation and treatment of recurrent miscarriage, and from what I can tell there does seem to be a great difference between NHS tests and treatments vs private clinics.

Ava - Have you had any counciling or spoken to any professional about what you have been through? It might help.

We took almost 11 months between my last loss to TTC again for our LB..I needed that time to heal and make sure i was mentally prepared for it.
No one can decide when you are ready so take it at your own speed.

My treatments were all on the NHS and i cant fault my treatment at all.
I had an excellent consultant who went out of his way to make sure i was happy with treatments etc. I was at the hospital pretty much every 2 weeks if not more.

Hi Glam,

No I've not had any counselling as yet but I've made contact with the service offered by the hospital and am waiting to get an appointment letter in the post.

I resisted in the past and I'm not even sure It will help but I know I need to try.

I'm also thinking of going to one of the support groups offered by the miscarriage association, but we'll see.

I'm glad that your care in your successful pregnancy was so good.

I am glad you are seeking some support..It wont harm to try it..Hopefully it will help you!

HI ladies
I'm so sorry for you losses.
After reading your posts I feel a little more at eased knowing that there's other women out there who know exactly how I feel.
I had two late miscarriages the 1st one was on 12/11/15 my little boy Zayon at 23+4 I didn't feel any movement for two days so went to the hospital where we found out he died. We had an external post mortem done which didn't reveal anything apart from baby small and placenta small he was only 275g.
The doctor gave me the all clear and in February this year found out that I was pregnant again. I was surprised scared happy worried.....All the emotions rolled into one.
Straight away my GP but me under consultant care because I also suffer from high blood pressure.
I had scans every two weeks and at 18 weeks we had a doppler scan and found out that the blood wasn't flowing through the placenta properly. At 20 weeks it didn't improve. At 22+2 the blood flow went into reverse even though the consultant didn't tell me but I could see it on the scan. I was due to start the new trial medication called Strider the next day to help improve the blood flow. At the appointment I asked the midwife to explain the research to my mom and it was then she said the blood flow was in reverse. I was just about to swallow the first doze of the medication when something made me to ask for a listen to the heartbeat. It was then we found out that our little girl Adijeh had died. She was born on 28/05/16 at 23 weeks 300g.

I feel so lost right now can't believe it was happened twice. We never had doppler scans with the 1st because everything seemed fine I was due to have one the same day he was born.
I'm just in shock at the moment and I've given up hope. I miss them so much.

Cherig60, I just don't know what to say. I am so very sorry that you had to have this happen a second time.

This was my second miscarriage also but my first (tho very traumatising at the time) happened very early on in my pregnancy.

I think it's hard to have hope when you're feeling so devastated. And a late miscarriage is so very devastating.

You aren't alone though. Xx