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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

drunk niece - 33 weeks pregnant! grrr

25 replies

Nugget2016 · 26/04/2016 22:29

today i am full of all sorts of emotions
my niece whos only 18 has just turned up at my house clearly intoxicated and stinking of weed
how is it she can put such shit in her system and doesnt even want her baby ( wanted an abortion but left it too late) get to keep her child?
not that im wishing any harm to her, or the baby of course. but the minute i found out i was pregnant i changed my entire lifestyle to ensure the best possible environment for my growing baby and just a week after my miscarriage i have to listen to my niece slurred speech because shes drank that much
its just makes the hurt even more obvious :(

OP posts:

NotQuiteJustYet · 26/04/2016 22:37

Nugget I'm angry for you that you've had to see your nieces pathetically immature behaviour and disregard towards the life she's carrying so soon after your loss. I can't imagine the emotions this has stirred in you.

Does she have parents you can reach out to to help support her? She's basically still a child, and evidently not emotionally mature enough to handle this pregnancy.

I'm sorry for your loss, be kind to yourself right now.

0phelia · 26/04/2016 22:42

Oh God. If social services were to get wind of this they'd be round in a shot. FAS, alcohol, weed and tiny unwanted babies do not mix.

Original poster

Nugget2016 · 26/04/2016 22:45

my sister had her 4 kids put her care because she couldnt really be bothered to raise them, my niece being the second oldest, she didnt really have much of an upbringing and at age 15 got put in care...
so i guess shes got no guidance really, every time ive see her i give her money towards her getting the house ready for her son and getting herself grocery shops etc
now i just feel sick thinking my money has been going towards drugs and not towards my niece or great nephew
she intends on keeping the baby, but he already has a social worker assigned to him and if she messes up he will be removed
part of me wants to tell the social worker what shes been getting up to because i dont think shes ready to be a mum and she will just ruin this child the way her mother ruined her kids
i dont have much contact with my sister, as shes the total opposite from me, i used to look after her children when i was only 12 myself whilst she went off and seen men or whatever. so you can probably see why my niece is a bit messed up herself
But i genuinely thought this baby would be the making off her, i know theres still time but if she can do this whilst hes growing inside her what will she be like once hes here
it really worries me

OP posts:

0phelia · 26/04/2016 22:55

You're right to be worried, you can talk to a (SW type) professional because they will actually help in this scenario. Although sadly some damage may have already been done.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/04/2016 23:13

I would tell the social worker. Her baby needs to be protected.

Salene · 26/04/2016 23:17

Let's hope the baby doesn't have fetal alcohol syndrome or she will live with that guilt the rest of her life and baby will suffer his whole life because of it.

I also would tell SS

NotQuiteJustYet · 26/04/2016 23:39

Wow, given what you've said I can see why she's struggling but that's no excuse for her behaviour. I'd tell SS/her SW too, the child deserves protection.

KittyandTeal · 27/04/2016 13:11

That's so hard for you. It's gut wrenching to see someone pregnant after losing a baby but someone who has disregard for their baby is heartbreaking.

I'm sure she is struggling in her own way by the sounds of things but what an upsetting and distressing thing for you to have to witness.

ChewyGiraffe · 27/04/2016 17:52

This must be an agonising situation for you - totally agree it's so NOT FAIR!

But - as for that poor little baby; your niece is clearly struggling - the fact she's had such a tough upbringing/so little guidance herself might explain, at least partly, why she's in such a bad place, but doesn't change the fact that the baby could be here in a month and she doesn't sound in the least bit ready to take care of him.

I can't imagine that this episode of drink and drugs is the first one in her pregnancy, or will be the last, or will magically stop once she's had the baby. She needs support and the baby needs protecting. I think - as pp have said - you need to tell social services about this. It's not about 'telling tales', it just sounds too serious a situation to turn a blind eye to.

I did wonder (I hesitate to say this as I don't mean to add an insensitive comment to a painful situation for you) whether you'd ever considered offering to look after (foster/adopt) the baby? Not as some kind of 'replacement' for your 'own' baby (let's hope they're along soon) but in addition to him/her. You sound very caring.

Original poster

Nugget2016 · 27/04/2016 22:45

ive had a lot of things to think about today after all this stuff with my niece,
i found out today theyre more than likely going to take the baby from her unless she has some family support
i spoke to her about her drinking yesterday, she said its the first time since she found out she was pregnant, she had a complete breakdown about it
social services have told her shes going to be a rubbish mum etc, shes bought all the stuff already for the baby, and theyve said she may as well get rid and apparently been quite harsh, which is why she turned to alcohol
not an excuse but i felt quite sorry for her towards the end of things as she does seem like she wants to be a good mum, and just had a slip up....
social services have told her either the baby is placed in care from birth or both her and baby can live with a family member who proves suitable and is able to support her
i am strongly considering putting myself forward, but im only 23 myself, can i take on a damaged 18 year old and a baby... its a lot to think about, i dont want to see this baby in care but i also dont want to take them both off, grow an attachment with the baby, her grow an attachment and then social services still take the baby anyway.
stressful situation

OP posts:

NotQuiteJustYet · 28/04/2016 00:59

Nugget I admire you even considering stepping up to the plate here, it's a huge responsibility. I'd suggest speaking with SS and asking what support network they would have in place to assist you in assisting DN with the baby if you were to do that.
What a situation to be in, is there any way to arrange a family meeting with her social worker to find out facts of where things stand and what can/can't be done?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/04/2016 07:11

I'd tell the niece you're interested in supporting her and ask whether you can meet her social worker to find out more. There may be underlying issues she's not telling you about. If you're put in a position of policing her behaviour then you need to know what you're letting yourself in for.

What she describes they've said/done is completely unprofessional, but I wonder whether she's reporting it accurately. At this stage they should be working with her so that she can keep the baby.

rainbowstardrops · 28/04/2016 07:19

Blimey OP, hats off to you for considering taking your neice and a newborn in when I assume your dc is still very young and you no doubt have your hands full.

I'd advise that you arrange a meeting with the social worker/SS/whoever and just check what's involved and what the actual situation is with your neice.

Sounds like she's had a rough trot. Hope the baby gets a better start in life

Ditsy4 · 28/04/2016 07:28

There isn't many but you could see if there is a LIFE house near you. They take and support mums with babies. I think they can stay for up to a year.

Original poster

Nugget2016 · 28/04/2016 08:23

there is a meeting in 3 weeks with my niece, her mum and the babies social worker which theyve said i can attend,
what my niece is telling me about the SS is probably not accurate, she has trouble understanding stuff and from what i know doesnt really engage with them properly, she doesnt really know how to and shes worried everything she says will be used against her, but her acting completely unwilling to engage is going against her more so

they have mentioned placing her in a mum and baby centre, but theyve said they will be watching her via cctv, not sure how accurate this is but its made her panic because she is going to make mistakes and doesnt want it used against her

shes a good kid and she does want to do well by this baby, but at the same times, shes that, a kid, i know 18 isnt all that young to have a baby but mentally shes more around 15, its hard to have an adult conversation with her

the problem i have is, she actually got pregnant whilst she was in a care home, so its knocked my trust in those type of services if theyve allowed her to get pregnant when one of the main reasons she was removed from her mother was because my sister was unable to safeguard her from men, but shes got pregnant whilst under social services, in a care home where there should have been supervision..

its such a messy situation and part of me doesnt want the responsibility of any of it, this baby will be born when i should be in the peak of my second trimester, i worry it will be a constant reminder for what ive lost,

OP posts:

NotQuiteJustYet · 28/04/2016 11:02

I would suggest, if you're able to find any in such a small window of time, getting some counselling to see where you stand and if you can cope with it. For what it's worth, you sound incredibly mature and like you have your head screwed on so maybe you're just what's needed to help DN out, obviously with an extended support network in place.

100% make sure you are okay first though, you've only just gone through a massive shock and trauma yourself

ElspethFlashman · 28/04/2016 11:12

Honestly I wouldn't take all this on, at 23 and just post mc. You'll be left holding the baby. But since you will have no parental responsibility the baby can be taken away at any time and it will kill you.

She has a mum. A shit one, but one that is still involved enough to be going to the meeting.

I think this is too much for you right now and I have a bad feeling it'll all end in tears anyway if she's that immature. She clearly hasn't the first clue about what parenting entails so a mother and baby centre might be the best thing for her, with the support she may receive there.

Ditsy4 · 28/04/2016 23:56

There are several houses. I can't do links but if you search LIFE in capitals it will come up with the site. Social services should be ok with this option but give them a ring at LIFE first as they do counselling and support. The counselling can be telephone or face to face depending on area and your needs.there are different levels of counsellors so ask for an experienced one. It is free. She can also get equipment and clothes.
Sorry for your loss.

Original poster

Nugget2016 · 12/02/2017 20:57

in a mad twist of events, im now in the process of trying to get this baby living with me, hes currently in foster care, nearly 8 months old

OP posts:

thisusernameisnotavailable · 12/02/2017 23:06

Good luck, I hope they give him to you. He should stay with family if they can arrange it and I wish you all the best xx

TimidLividyetagain · 12/02/2017 23:12

I hope you get to have the baby live with you x

Original poster

Nugget2016 · 12/02/2017 23:55

thank you, its been a very stressful time, he nearly died and i actually saved his life by performing cpr! and after a 6 week hospital the best place for him was foster care.
but i really hope he gets to stay with family, it would be a really nice outcome to a rubbish 12 months :)

OP posts:

Kmxxx14 · 13/02/2017 00:04

Wow you sound amazing. I really hope your able to look after him.

5BlueHydrangea · 13/02/2017 00:10

Good luck, it's great you are so supportive. I hope you have some support for yourself though too. You are still quite young and this situation sounds very difficult.

lilydaisyrose · 13/02/2017 00:15

Oh Nugget, well done. Tell us what happened.

I really really hope you are successful.

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