In need of moral support

[Bonbonelperro]

I hope this post doesn't come across as too self indulgent (it probably will, sorry), but I am in need of a little hand holding as I am feeling low, alone and a bit emotionally all over the place!
I had a mc in December at 5 weeks and then was so happy to be pregnant again a few months later, I thought naively that I had had my mc so next time would be okay (irrational I know). I had a private scan at 9 weeks just to check all was okay as I didn't want to wait till the 12 week scan, but unfortunately found out the baby didn't make it past 7 weeks. Although I knew mmc could happen I was quite shocked as all my morning sickness had happened after 7 weeks and I was still feeling ill. I found it so painful seeing that little embryo on the screen all still with no heartbeat.
I had an EPRC a few days later and am now 3 weeks on from that. At the moment I just can't shake the feelings of resentment towards people whose pregnancies are going well, which I know is unfair of me, but so many of my friends are pregnant at the moment and I keep thinking why is it working out for them and not for me? But I know from lurking on this board that many of you have been through much worse than me so I know I am being out of order for thinking this way. I am really lucky to already have a DS which I now can't believe how lucky I am to have. I can't imagine ever having another scan and actually seeing that amazing wriggling baby and a heartbeat.
If anyone is able to offer any moral support or similar feelings/experiences I would be really grateful!

That resentment is really normal. Give yourself time and allow yourself to be angry.

I have had 2 losses, 22 weeks and 14 weeks. I too assumed things would be ok with my recent loss because, you know, 2 dead babies is just too unfair!

The one thing I learnt after my first loss is that you have to allow yourself to feel whatever emotion it is at the time, even if that is jealousy, resentment, bitterness or anger. They are really uncomfortable emotions and society rewards us for trying to push them away where as, in fact, they are perfectly normal and healthy. You know what, it is bloody unfair that some people have happy, un troubled pregnancies while some of us loose babies.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. It's really hard so be kind to yourself 💐

Oh heavens - not self-indulgent indeed. I am so sorry for these horrible experiences that you have had.

To be honest they almost mirror my DD's experiences. Her first pregnancy was like your recent experience - at 14 weeks a scan showed that the foetus had died but the "pregnancy" had continued in terms of hormones and all the effects of that - sickness etc. She opted not to have an op and the ending of that pregnancy was really quite traumatic. In the next pregnancy she had an ovarian cyst that resulted in a miscarriage.

She too struggled when others were pregnant - and that included her sisters - so very hard for her. She virtually gave up the idea of children.......but ..........now the good news!.........she has two lovely boys, and these bad experiences are now history and virtually forgotten. So, do not give up. Go with your sadness now but remember that there is lots of life left and lots more chances.

I'm so sorry you're going through this so soon after your previous mc. I've seen many posters saying similar to what you're feeling now, I think it's perfectly normal given the circumstances.

I had an MMC in 2012, ds1 was 5 and dd 3 at the time. It felt like the perfect timing to have dc3, so I was totally shell shocked at the scan when I was told no heartbeat. Had ERPC 2 weeks later, and continued with the morning sickness until then, it's very unjust isn't it.

I took a while to get over it, I marked what was my due date with a balloon, and some cake for my little bean. Also got a special bauble for the christmas tree that year, which goes on first every year now.

I'm now cuddling ds2, who is 17 mo. The gap between them all ended up bigger than I'd hoped for, but I realised you don't get to choose, and they all love each other so much.

I won't pretend the pregnancy was stress free though. I didn't enjoy the first three months, convinced the same would happen. I even burst into tears at the twenty wk scan, not realising how worried I still was. But from feeling the kicks onward i started to relax and enjoy it more. The innocence and excitement of early pregnancy will probably never be the same, but you will get a lot of support on here. Be kind to yourself for now and rest as much as you're able.

Oh love you poor thing, I really welled up at your description, seeing him and her all still. It's very good that you can talk so openly about it, keep doing that. It's utterly horrible what has happened to you and already having ds shouldn't make you feel less entitled to grieve your losses

Thank you so much for all your replies, it really does mean a lot to hear your words of support and commiseration. I'm really sorry for your losses.

Kitty, what you say about thinking it is too unfair to happen twice really resonates, I guess that feeling of immunity has gone now. Although I worry if I did fall pregnant again (can't think about that right now) I would still think it wouldn't happen again because three times would be too unfair, so not sure I have learnt from my mistake.

Mishaps, that must have been really hard for your daughter when her sisters were pregnant, I am glad things worked out for her in the end.

I know what you mean Daisy about age gaps, loads of people seem to be very focussed on them but when you have either struggled to get pregnant or had a miscarriage I think you realise it is not the be all and end all.

Last but not least MyKingdom, you just made me cry too!

Sorry for list form of my reply but I wanted to reply to each of you as you have all really helped me feel better tonight.

So much of this resonates with where I am at the moment. I also am very angry and jealous. My SIL is due her third days from when our latest little angel would have been born. She conceived easily, it took us over a year. We lost our baby the day after our scan when, instead of seeing a 13 week baby wriggling around, we saw a tiny, still little form not destined for this world. I can't even hear her (SIL's) name without getting angry at the moment. It hurts so much and seems so unjust. Our due date fitted perfectly with so many things and it felt like just the right time to have our much wanted and tried for second child. But it wasn't to be so and I don't understand why. It seems so unfair and downright cruel. This is my second miscarriage, though I am extremely fortunate to have had my wonderful DS in between. I too, have given up on the idea of my ideal gaps. They have long since passed. Right now I feel like I may never have another living child. I can't see how I will ever be reassured in early pregnancy again.
I am so sorry for your losses, but please know that you are not alone in what you feel, and it is totally fine to feel these things. I know from previous experience that it gets easier, but it never completely goes away. for you and all the others who have lost their babies.

Oh Spots, I am so sorry for your losses. That must have been so hard losing your baby after a scan. I feel so similar to how you are describing things. Do you think you will try again? I am planning to take a break till later in the summer and try again but it feels really hopeless right now and just writing about trying again made me nearly burst into tears. I am having a bad emotion day about things today. Strange how it hits you on random days.