unsure what I feel after miscarriage

[binkybonk]

I have two boys and just miscarried at 17 weeks. I delivered a boy on Sunday morning.
For context- I live abroad, our 'baby group' is really close, two of the group have had still births at full term. It was an horrific time. The two women who experienced this (and their friends who are not in our group) immediately (and I apologise for sounding judgey but it's how it felt to me, mid labour) told me what to do and virtually how to feel.
I feel sad. I feel so sad our little boy won't join our family.
But I don't want to name him other than baby plus our family name.
We have photos which are purely for my husband and myself.
I have a small heart toy which my husband gave me which I held during labour and cuddle a lot at the moment.
But I don't feel 'defined' by this. I don't want to join their Facebook group for loss. I don't feel regret at not cremating him with the various objects they instructed me I should.
And then I waver....
This has been such an emotional time and I feel like the people who think they are helping the most are actually making it worse.
For example today's text- 'can I come round tonight? Don't hide from this, you need to speak his name and talk about him to people to keep his memory alive'
I don't think I do. I think this is for me and my husband and boys to process and I don't need to talk to anyone else.
They make me feel like I am heartless towards my lost baby.

You can only do what you think is right for you at the time. Don't let yourself be railroaded into responding in a certain way because of expectations from other people. But, at the same time, recognise that sometimes these things can ambush you later. Clearly, these people mean well but they should respect your wish not to do what they think you should.

I think I would thank them for their concern but say that you want to just spend this time with your family for now. I hope they won't be so insensitive as to push it beyond this.

People deal with the loss of a baby or pregnancy in many different ways.

Personally I find comfort in naming the baby and talking about them. This seems to be the way that maternity services are geared up for too.

However, you MUST deal with this in your own way. If you don't want to name him, have a service etc then please don't feel you have to.

I imagine these people are worried that you are 'brushing it under the carpet' type thing rather than dealing with it in your own way.

Can you explain it to them? They are probably trying to be helpful, baby loss can be a lonely time, however, they are also being pretty insensitive. The whole 'you need to speak his name' stuff is utter bullshit. You don't NEED to do anything. (Apart from maybe telling them politely to shove off)

If it helps I am dealing with my second loss in a very different way to my first. I am doing the same practical things for ds that I did for dd2 however, emotionally I feel very different.

I am so sorry for your loss binkybonk

People can get so evangelical abut their own way and their own experience they forget we are all individuals. There is only one right way and that is your way. Whatever you want to do is fine. My only counsel on that front would be that you and your DH manage somehow to make each other's approach fine if they are different.

It's possible that these well meaning women feel you need to do the same as them to validate their choices. Perhaps a kind way to tell them to be less evangelical about their approach would be to tell them that you are glad they found things to give them comfort and you are finding your own things day by day as you grieve. I used to use the phrase 'Isn't it funny how different we all are?' to draw a line.

In the meantime, whatever you find a comfort do, whatever you don't, don't. Actually very little is irrevocable. There are no rules on timing. If in twenty years you suddenly thought up something then you can do it then. As with all things parenting, your family, your rules.

My heart goes out to you and your family in your sadness. If you can eat a little and sleep a little then that is good. Take care