Today would have been my due date.

[northdownmummy]

I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks, today would have been that little ones first birthday.

I'm typing this one handed as I sit nursing my 4mo so I've lots to be grateful for.
My emotions are all a bit of a jumble today.

Feeling guilty when I feel sad because I've got my gorgeous baby and I know others aren't so lucky.

Feeling angry that the experience of MC took away all the magic of the next pregnancy, all the usual stress and worry were magnified.

Feeling tired and frustrated due to the usual lack of sleep and have moments of thinking if we hadn't lost that baby they'd be 1 and I'd be through the worst of the sleepless nights.

Then comes the guilt again cause I adore my DD and without the MC I'd never have met her. It'd have been a different baby and while I'd have loved them just as much they wouldn't be her.

But most of all just a bit sad and tearful today, despite how wonderful my life is. Trying not to dwell on what might have been and wallowing but allowing myself today to just remember and miss the baby I never got to meet.

I'm posting here because it's the one place I'm sure people will understand. I've talked to my DH but he's a bit further on and remembers how sad he was at the time without feeling sad again now. I just need to share rather than bryahvthese feelings aside.

I get it. I also have a baby who would not exist if my first pregnancy had not ended in a miscarriage. You can be sad and happy at the same time - that first baby was real to you, I"m sure you had imagined all sorts of futures for you that included him/her in it. It does not mean you love your daughter any less. It's ok to be sad - remember at 4mo your hormones are still in flux and as you say, sleep deprivation does horrible things to the mind!

You don't have to feel guilty. Your sorrow is your sorrow, you are not a bad person because other people have worse things to do deal with. let yourself feel sad for a bit, acknowledge that you had a horrible loss. Then when you are ready you can go back to enjoying your daughter.

Hang in ther.e