I am going through another late miscarriage

[marmiteontoast76]

I really can't believe this is happening again. Lost our little girl at 20 week scan in the summer, no cause found. We got pregnant a month later and have been having weekly scans throughout. We saw him at scan at 17 weeks and he was perfect. Couldn't feel much movement so had emergency scan yesterday and he was gone.

How am I ever going to get over this? I'm at home waiting for labour to start and am completely heartbroken.

Doctors said the chances of this are incredibly rare. Why me.

Very interesting to read your story, thank you, that helps a lot. Most of the women in my office are having their first babies aged 38/39 and 40 so they obviously don't have "manky" eggs. My friend that said that comment is not the most maternal type and has never shared my maternal need to produce lots of children.

They probably have as many "manky" eggs as you but were lucky. In your late 30s early 40s a lot of eggs are past there best before date and other eggs are not. There is an element of chance to it. To me your body works quite well. Your body is able to distinguish between a baby that will live and be well and one that will not.
In terms of risk, even a risk as high as 1 in 5 to have a dmaged baby still means a 80% chance to have a healthy one.
It is a difficult decision. Loosing a baby so late is gutwrenchingly horrible. It is unfair seeing other women who were able to keep their babies. I remember the whole world seemed suddenly populated by pregnant women and I personally hated every one of them. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I had to try again and that need was consuming me. (Even though my last two pregnancies were not exactly planned). Eventually it was okay that I had not become pregnant again and from where I am sitting now five years on I feel that what happened with my little baby was maybe the kindesr outcome for him if the alternative would have been a very sick child with countless major operations
The developmental delay and learning difficulties we could have coped with.

But it was my imaginary healthy baby I was grieving.

Hi marmite
How are you getting on today? I haven't stopped thinking about you since I read your post yesterday.
To give you a bit more insight, we are sure that my 20 week loss wasn't due to a genetic fault as we had done the Harmony test which showed no chromosomic abnormalities and is 99% accurate as far as I know. The post mortem showed a perfectly formed baby without any abnormalities which simply stopped growing at week 16/17. There was a note about a slightly smaller placenta which got us checking about blood clotting disorders etc but it all came back negative.
Since then I've had two more mc's sadly, both around the 8/9 week mark which may very well be due to genetic reasons (I am now 39 and will be turning 40 in a few months)
We have stopped ttc again as I can't bear the stress of it all, plus all the 3 back to back pregnancies have thrown me into hypothyroidism, so I am focusing on getting my health back on track and enjoying my 4 year old DS
I have however decided to investigate the theory of natural killer cells and seeing a specialist in reproductive immunology who looked at my post mortem and mentioned a rare condition called CHI (chronic histiocytic intervillositis
Basically it's a form of placenta clotting which is associated with late losses and still births and can sometimes be the cause behind recurrent late losses. Apparently my PM showed no signs of it but they have to look into this specifically when looking at the placenta, it's not a routine check as far as I understood.
It may be worth reading up on it just for your peace of mind- I know dr Google can be pure evil sometimes but I am also guilty as charged for using it more than I should.
Hope you are feeling somewhat ok today, hugs xx

The harmony test is very accurate for three genetic conditions, downs, patau and Edwards. They are the three most common ones. There are countless other genetic and suspected genetic conditions, in many cases very rare that can't be tested for because it would be prohibitively expensive to run that amount of test or because the test does not exist.

sorry for your loss OP i will be thinking of you today, you'll bevin my prayers. I just went to the ritual washing of a miscarried baby in my family, and had funeral today too. It seems so cruel at any stage but this baby was due in April.

im heavily pregnant i feel so guilty, i know its not my fault but i cant help it.

I think you should let your body rest for at least a year as you would with any pregnancy before trying again. Also use the time to become stronger emotionally.I'll be talking to my relation to do likewise but up to her essentially.

I am so sorry for your loss Marmite. To happen once is painful enough (i lost my third baby at 21 weeks) but to happen a second time is unimaginable. I hope you are getting good care and some time to heal. Wishing you the very best xxx

Thank you madwomanacross. Seems as though you've gradually healed slowly over time and now are able to use talking about your story to help others, so many thanks for taking the time to help me.

annaif, thanks for your long and helpful reply too. I've now asked my bereavement midwife to enquire about CHI with the histology team. I remember the words chronic and villious mentioned in the last histology report but nothing was followed up so I might go and find these notes.

I hope seeing the specialist helps you get to the bottom of why these tragic miscarriages have been happening to you.

Thank you Katarzyna. That's so sad about the funeral. I can understand you feeling guilty but please don't. I have a few heavily pregnant friends and they've all been feeling terribly guilty too but I've said to them they are carrying THEIR babies, not MY baby.....I want my babies back.
X

Thank you for your kind words Livefortoday and sorry to hear about your 21 week loss.

You are right, once is dreadful but twice there are no words. It's so crazily rare for two late ones in a row that I feel like a freak of nature, why me.

I am so incredibly sorry. All I can say is that please take advantage of any emotional support that is offered. We lost our daughter very suddenly last spring and it has at times been unbearable. The knowledge that there is support available to us has kept us going during the very darkest moments. My thoughts are with you xxx

That is so sad but keep trying. If you leave it and wait a few years and decide to try again you might be too late by then

So sorry you are going through this X

So sorry for you terrible loss Needanew. Thankfully the hospital have a very good bereavement team. We've also had lots of amazing support from close family and friends.

Mumoftwoboys - yes we can't leave it too long, however my body needs some proper recovery time as I've been pregnant for 10 months.

How are you today marmiteontoast76?
Hope you are surrounded by people you love who are able to console you somewhat. It's very difficult to know what to do, I found it very stressful and anxiety inducing to be by myself the first few weeks after having the baby. How are your two older ones? Hopefully they are providing some needed distraction.
It may very well be worth checking what was written with regards to CHI- I am sure the reference is about checking negative about this in the previous post mortem, otherwise they would have followed it up with treatment I would imagine. Def insist that they check again this time around- my consultant mentioned that it is associated with consecutive late losses and stillbirths :(
Big hugs

Hi annaif
Thanks for asking how I am, hope you are doing ok. This week isn't easy as it's all gone quiet, family have gone and kids are at school. Keeping myself busy by having a clear out of old stuff. Have been crying on-and-off, mainly because I know deep down we can't go through this heartbreak again. Like you I'm turning 40 soon and I need to give my body a long time to recover.

I've asked the hospital again to ask histology about CHI. See what they say.

My two dcs are doing fine and are a huge comfort. I keep looking at them thinking what miracles they both are and how on earth did we manage to make and pop them out so easily just a few years ago....and now this.

Also been signed off work for 6 weeks but unsure if I want to go back. I used to be a freelancer from home, but few years back I started working 3 days per week in an office. Really loved it but after this nightmare I don't want to go back as it reminds me of being pregnant and losing babies. Think I want to go back to working for myself at home and being around more for my dcs.

Oh hun, it's always difficult when the "dust" settles isn't it? People just assume that life has moved on and you've gotten over it in time- unless someone's been through it, they cannot comprehend that you don't just get over the death of a child like that, especially one you've labored for and put to rest.... we've found that 18 months down the line, we have simply learned to live with the loss as opposed to get consumed by it. And I can now talk about it without being reduced in tears (small victory)
I am so very sorry, I will be checking up on you - you can always PM me if you want.
After we lost our boy I went through a phase when I read every associated book about late losses, dealing with bereavement of a child etc which helped at the time but in hindsight opened up the flood gates of learning about much more traumatizing and terrible incidents people had to deal with (recurrent stillbirths and so on...)
So not sure how helpful that was, as I am paranoid it can and will happen to us again.

You are right in saying that our healthy children are simply miracles and we are incredibly lucky to have them in our lives. Little did we know that this isn't always the case and that we should be incredibly grateful to have them and see them grow.
Lots of love, take all the time that you need to think about what you want to do with your life, you should focus on getting better emotionally and physically. I would imagine spending more time with your dd's will only help you. And if you can freelance then maybe it may be something to consider to give yourself a break/change.

Thanks annaif. I've just read an interesting article about recovering from late loss. I'll pm it to you when I find it.

We have appointment with funeral directors this morning. Second time in 6 months....just awful.

I'm so sorry

marmite I am so sorry to read of your devastating news. I remember your first loss last year not long after I'd lost my dd. Thinking of you in the days and weeks ahead.

Thanks PopandCry. Sorry about your loss.

The grieve has really kicked in now. I'm going to first session with a bereavement therapist this morning. Hoping it will help a lot.