friend miscarried twins at 23wks over xmas....

[allthreerolledintoone]

i feel absolutely gutted for her it was a little boy and girl she didnt have a very good pregnancy throughout and it looked likely that she would lose one but not both. Ive just recieved the text message this evening telling me the news and asking for time to grieve before they see anyone. What can i do or say to show im thinking of them and how sorry i am for their loss.I feel so bad has i wanted to visit her in hospital when her waters broke at 20wks but i had tonsillitus so didnt want to pass anything on and then with xmas its just been so hectic. I knew it was serious but i never thought she would m/c.

I'd send her flowers and write a card and in a few weeks text her or phone her. If they want to be left alone, leave them alone, but I think it's nice to show you haven't forgotten them. Your poor friend. Also, mark the anniversary of the daay it happened on your diary or put it in your computer and send her a card on that day remembering her son and daughter.

I'd definitely send a card saying how sorry you are and that you will be there for her when she's ready. Aloha's idea of noting the date for the anniversary is lovely, but acknowledging her due date somehow when it comes around will show her that you're still thinking of her too.

How awful
Think Aloha says it all bless her.
So sorry for your friend.

aww how sad for your friend, def send a card, i remember Dingle doing a lovely personal card for a mn to send to a friend who had lost their baby, maybe dingle could help make it a bit more special

So sorry to hear about your friend.

I lost my first son at 26 weeks and I appreciated people who sent a card (and mentioned him by name rather than "your sad loss" or similar), I got sick of the flowers (rather the man delivering them "ooooh - someone's lucky!" "er, no, not at all actually") and when I saw people I liked to talk about Hugo, show them his photos, and explain about the labour etc etc.

It sometimes felt/feels that you are denied ALL of the experience let alone the birth and having a baby at all. So it was nice to talk to people that understood that I had been through 26 weeks of pregnancy, and a labour and I could talk about that despite the outcome being a dead baby. If that makes any sense at all!

So my suggestions are - a card (which mentions her babies by name), maybe a thoughtful gift to remember her babies by (plant or small ornament or my friend got a lovely little token with an angel on it) and remember the anniversairy (very very much appreciated) and due date (certainly for this year - personally I don't mind that people don't remember Hugo's due date anymore as it doesn't mean as much to me either).

Hope that helps and that your friends do OK. They will. Hope they are in contact with Sands too - www.uk-sands.org

Kateyp x

PS give me a shout if I can be any more help - have a lot of links that your friend may find helpful!

Hi allthreerolledintoone, sorry to hear about your friend. It is truly terrible and heartbreaking.

kateyp has some very good points, I lost my son at 24 weeks, so can relate to what your friend is going through. I received cards and really appreciated ones that had 'special delivery' etc on rather than sympathies etc etc... As found it more appropriate that people acknowledged his life aswell as death...it is so hard when it is rolled into one.

There are some really special poems people sent me. A couple of gifts that we received were a star in our sons name, a rose named after him, a bear that had the same name, a plaque with a poem and his name on it - it is really sweet - and lots of other things. I found comfort in these items and have them around my house, and smile when I see his things. (All are off the internet, so can provide you with the site names)

I also like talking about my baby, and have pictures that I show people. It is difficult when people avoid the situation or say things like 'it was not meant to be' or it must be fate, or it will be ok when your next baby is here... As far as I am concerned I have a child and he was my first born.

It is a very hard situation to come to terms with, and everyone is different, so what I found comforting may be different for your friend. But you will know what feels right for your friend by knowing her.

Wishing your friend much love and support xx

PS Kateyp.. Love hugo's name...X