Hi everyone.
I had kept an eye on mumset all through my pregnancy for advice and support. This was my first baby so its great to read up on other peoples experiences to know that everything is 'normal' when your bump isn't growing and you haven't felt baby move yet at 20 weeks. Unfortunately for me things weren't normal, and with growing concern I asked to be checked over a week ahead of my 20 week scan.
I had recently bought a home doppler so that I can hear my baby's heartbeat and settle my nerves. When I couldn't find my baby's heartbeat, and the midwife couldn't either, I knew something was terribly wrong.
I was alone at the hospital as I just nipped before work, thinking they would find the heartbeat no problem and I'd just be in and out. The lovely midwife told me not to worry and that a quick scan would be able to find the baby for us, everything would be ok. But after a few long painful minutes of silence during the scan, I was told that there was no heartbeat, and the baby had passed away at around 17 weeks.
I was told that my labour would have to be induced, given 1 tablet that day and then told to come back in 48 hours to continue the process and deliver my little baby.
To be honest, that feeling of anxiety and dread for having to deliver my baby over shadowed my feelings of sadness for the next 48 hours. I just couldn't imagine what it would feel like and what i would have to do. I wasn't ready for that stage yet. However, when it came to that, it was actually a really peaceful experience.
I was in labour for 9 hours. My partner and I were given a special suite at the hospital especially for these sad situations. The midwives were amazing! I have never felt so safe and cared for. The contractions were painful like a really bad period, but I had no bleeding. Out of nowhere at about 9.30pm, when the pains were at their worst, my baby just came in to the world. I didnt even have to push, they just came themself.
I wasn't sure at first if I wanted to see my baby but I'm glad I did. They looked so peaceful and perfectly formed. Not sad or sick at at all. My partner and I got to sit with the baby for a couple of hours while the midwife cleaned up and got everything ready for baby to get taken away to be tested. They said that the baby had some excess fluid particilarly around their tummy which would suggest a virus, but I had felt fine during my pregnancy so we will just have to wait and see what comes back.
We opted for a full postmortem as I am now terrified that this will happen again and want to make sure I can do everything possible to prevent it. They said it will take a minimum of 6 weeks to hear anything back so until then we just have to try and move forward with our lives the best we can.
I don't feel as crushed as I expected, I feel at peace now. I've had a baby. I'm a mother now and nothing can ever change that.
Sorry for the long post but this is the first chance I've had to spill my heart out. My family are still so upset so I don't like to talk about it in front of them. I know many of you have been in a similar situation and I salute you for your strength and courage.
Much love.
D