Page 3 | My Story

Firstly, I would like to thank everyone who has taken the time to respond to my posts over the last few weeks. It has been a very traumatic time and so many of you have been so kind and supportive. Miscarriage is probably one of the loneliest things I have ever been through, despite having the support of my DH and my amazing family. The sad truth is, unless you have been there, you just do not know. Thank you all for helping me through this.
I am writing my story down in the hope that it will help someone else in the future and also because, now that everything is over, I am hoping for some closure. This is the whole story from the beginning.
We arranged to have a private scan at almost 11 weeks on the 23rd of December. I was expecting DC2 and my pregnancy had been fairly uneventuful - I had quite strong symptoms - terrible nausea and sickness, massive boobs that ached etc. I even considered that I might be pregnant with twins as my symptoms were so strong in comparison to when I was pregnant with DD and I didn’t have any sickness at all. The scan pictures were to be a Christmas gift for our parents and we would finally tell dd she was going to be a big sister. When we went for the scan, they found that the baby had died at 8 weeks. Because it was Christmas, the hospital wouldn't see me until the 28th. Christmas was very hard to get through. I had a little bleed on Christmas day and then again on boxing day. On Boxing Day I felt my waters go, at the time, I thought this meant that it would happen imminently but it didn’t. At my appointment on the 28th the hospital were pretty awful. It was evident that they were running a skeleton staff. The sonographer who scanned me said that she could see the sac had collapsed and that it was difficult to see much because there was a lot of blood. She said that she could see a 2.5cm diameter sac and a 3mm foetal pole. Because the foetal pole was under 7mm they would not refer me for medical management as the ‘protocol’ was to wait a week to see if there is any growth. On my private scan the sac measured 8.5cm and the baby 1.29 cm. They could see it in black and white on the pictures. They acknowledged that the private scan showed an 8 week old foetus but said that they had to ‘disregard’ the private scan and go with what they could see, which wasn’t much because of the collapse and blood. The nurse admitted to me that it was cruel and that there was no hope at all for my baby, but sent me home to wait a week. I literally begged them to give me medical management. I told them I was frightened of seeing the baby and that I didn’t think I could cope. They told me that all I’d experience would be a heavy period. They were wrong.
The following Saturday, at 12 weeks and 1 day, my mucus plug came away. I only know it was a mucus plug because I have already been through labour when I had my dd. It was exactly the same. By the Sunday, the bleeding had started. I phoned the hospital who told me that there would be no point in scanning me because it had started naturally. They tried to say that I didn’t need to be scanned at all but I insisted on having another appointment. I want them to check everything has come away and that I can try again in the future. I’ve only got one working ovary. I cannot take the risk. That scan is booked for tomorrow.
Over the week, the bleeding became steadily heavier. By Wednesday, the bleeding was really heavy and I was cramping a lot. I managed on ibruprofen and a hot water bottle. It felt very much like early labour pains. On Friday morning, I decided to try and get out of the house. I went to my local Tesco to buy a few things. The cramping had got much worse. I felt like I was struggling to walk a little. The pains were all in my back and radiating down my legs as well as my tummy. There was a lot of pressure and I felt like I needed to push. I posted on here because I thought I was going a bit mad. It felt just like labour with my dd. I spent the rest of the day resting taking paracetamol and ibruprofen. I felt emotional and weak. I drank a couple of glasses of wine and ended up going to bed. At about 3am I woke up with heavy bleeding and pain. I took more pain relief and drifted off back to sleep. At 7ish, I woke feeling very strange. I was hazy but I had the urge to push again and as I stood up I felt a huge gush. I went to the bathroom and there it was. My amniotic sac. It was much larger than I was expecting – the size of my palm, as wide and maybe a bit longer. Having been through labour before, I knew exactly what I was looking at – it was undoubtedly the sac and placenta. It was collapsed. I knew that my baby would be somewhere inside but I didn’t look. I just wrapped it in tissue paper. It was a bit of a bloodbath and I had to shower. However, since then the bleeding has lightened dramatically and I am now only spotting. It is like someone has turned off a tap. The hospital had been completely wrong in their estimation of what to expect. What happened was what the private clinic had told me would happen. In my mind, this proves that my baby was 8 weeks. I don’t know why I consider this detail important, but I do. I miscarried at 13 weeks and 1 day. January 9th 2016.
I knew that I couldn’t flush the remains away. I’m glad I didn’t because my toilet blocked with the volume of tissue paper I’d used so that would have been horrific. After the way I was treated by the hospital, I didn’t want to take the baby back there. I feel like I was forced to have a natural miscarriage against my wishes because it was Christmas. The nurse admitted as much. If I’d had my private scan a week earlier they would have seen me the same day as the clinic did. Because it was Christmas, there wasn’t enough time to scan me, give me the tablets and bring me back for the pessary before Christmas day. I’m too angry with the hospital. So, DH and I decided that we would bury our baby. I’m not religious, but I felt like I needed to return my baby back to nature. DH was less keen, because he was worried it would be too sad. However, he is now glad we did.
We went to the garden centre and bought a large planter and a bush called ‘Winter Sun’. The name seemed apt. I like the idea that my baby’s tiny body will nourish the plant, the bees will get pollen from the flowers and bees and pollination are the very reason that we have oxygen. It feels like there will result on a positive impact on the world, although a small impact, out of this tragedy. We decided the best thing to do would be to use something that would biodegrade to hold our baby. I bought some white tissue paper (the stuff you use to wrap a gift in, not blow your nose) and we each wrote a message to our baby on the paper. I took photographs of the messages so that we will at least have something to put in a memory box. We wrapped our baby up in our words, along with a picture our dd had drawn (although she had no idea any of this has happened, I wanted baby to have something from his sister. I used one of the many pictures dd has in her art box) and placed him in the planter. Our little ‘Winter Sun’ has now been laid to rest. I wrote to the baby that I was so glad that I had carried him (not sure if he was a ‘he’ but my pregnancy was so different from with DD I just assumed) because he had changed me. I now understand sorrow in a way that I never could have before. But I also know I have a strength and an empathy that I hadn’t realised I had before. I loved this baby from the second I saw the faint squinty line on the test. Despite the sadness, this baby made me better than before. Just like having my dd did.
So now, I need to move forward. I have my ‘Winter Sun’. I’ve ordered a necklace – a silver heart with a garnet (the birthstone for January) so that I can carry this baby with me. Having a date on which I can remember him helps too. I know he wasn’t ‘born’ but he arrived and we said goodbye on January the 9th. It helps me to feel like Christmas will not be forever tainted now because I have January 9th. I do not feel like my due date of July 15th will be as raw because I have January 9th.
Im not sure that I am making any sense. It makes sense to me though and I feel comforted by it.
I hope my story helps other people who are going through this. I do not expect a reply but it is cathartic to write it down. Thanks for listening.

Talk

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

My Story