This is my first post, I wish it was for a happier reason.
I had my scan on Monday (14/12) and was 13+4 according to my calculated date.
I was devastated to be told that my baby had died at 11+4.
They think it may have a cystic hygroma, suggesting Turner Syndrome being the cause of miscarriage.
After being in complete shock my husband and I had to sit in a quiet room for an hour to wait to speak to a midwife/doctor. The wait was agonising.
Luckily this is my only negative part of care I've received so far.
I was then spoken to by an amazingly kind and gentle midwife who explained as much as we were able to take in. A consultant then spoke with us about genetic testing due to the possibility of chromosomal abnormality being the cause. He scanned me again to see where my placenta was to try and perform CVS.
To add insult to injury this wasn't possible as my placenta was at the back.
I was then transferred to another hospital to organise the management of my miscarriage.
Again, we were looked after by another wonderful midwife who organised me to come back in the next day as I wanted medical management.
My reasoning for this was after discussions with the doctor, this option gave the best chance of the placenta/cord being tested as surgical management would mean it probably wouldn't all be intact.
I couldn't bare the thought of natural management. Unlike a lot of people on here I hate the thought of being at home. I don't want to pass my baby down the toilet and I think if I have professionals nearby I might be less scared. Plus, the fact I want it tested would mean I would have to take it into the hospital so much more practical this way.
So I had the tablet at 10:30 yesterday and at 21:00 I had some bleeding when I wiped but none since. I've been taking paracetamol as I feel crampy.
I've got an appointment for Thursday to go in for the pessaries.
If i experience heavy bleeding or cramps that paracetamol can't handle then I am to call them and I can go straight in.
The doctor was very clear in telling me and my husband that we have done nothing to cause this.
If it is Turner Syndrome then it's just "one of those things" and nothing contributed to it. It's unlikely to happen again, which is very reassuring.
I just feel numb. I mostly feel cried out and even laughed a bit with my husband tonight at a TV program. But then suddenly I think of something and I feel like my world is crashing down and I just sob uncontrollably.
To make matters worse, 4 people at work are pregnant, we all had due dates within a month or so of each other. My sister is also pregnant and she had her scan today and everything is well for her.
Although I am happy for all these people, and wish them all the luck in the world I can't imagine how I will feel seeing them. Particularly my sister who over the next 6 months I'll see grow. Her due is 13 days after mine was.
I am blessed to have a son who has just turned 2. I know I am already more lucky than some. I am so grateful for what we already have.
But this baby was to complete our family. Everything had lined up perfectly. I know this isn't the end though, there's no reason we can't try again.
My husband and I both wanted a baby girl. If it is Turner syndrome then it was a girl (boys don't have Turner syndrome). I now feel so stupid and naive for wishing so desperately for a girl and should have put my thoughts and wishes to just having a healthy baby. I feel such a selfish fool.
I keep having awful thoughts that they just missed the heartbeat on the scan. I had a bath on Monday night and actually thought I felt the baby clearly moving! I swear I could see it!
I know this can't be true. The baby didn't move at all on the scan. I could see the blood all lit up in the placenta but clearly none went any further onto the baby and there was clearly no heartbeat.
But I just keep getting upset that there's a chance it could be alive and I've just taken the tablet to kill it! I keep imagining passing it and seeing it move!
Again, I know these are irrational thoughts. I just can't shake them.
I feel that in reading some stories of medical management on here I feel better prepared. But I also feel scared too as the hospital don't suggest anything near as traumatic as pretty much everyone on here describes.
If you have read to the end I thank you. I'm hoping that writing this down will help me whether I get any replies or not.
I suppose I just wanted to put down my ongoing experience. I know it's very raw now as we only got the devastating news 41 hours ago.
I just feel so lost and scared.