Is it appropriate to get a gift?

[weeblueberry]

My friend has just been told her baby has chromosomal issues that will result in miscarriage. I obviously want to support her and have offered a shoulder etc.

I wondered whether it was appropriate to get her something? Like a small item that marks the fact that the baby was here with us, even if she didn't make it to term.

I'm sorry if this is a horrible thing to suggest. I've never been through this myself and don't want to be heavy handed but if it had been me I wouldn't want not to think of it as a baby either if you know what I mean?

Flowers, maybe, just to let her know you're thinking of her. Anything else probably not. Not just yet.

So nothing lasting you'd think?

I think it'd be a bit too raw at the moment. That's just me though, you know her best.

I appreciate it - thank you.

I do know her but am really conscious of being inadvertently offensive. I wouldn't give her anything just now but similarly don't want to reopen any raw wounds a few weeks down the line if she's starting to come to terms with it a bit more.

Thank youVocational. I'll have a look into those.

My good friend's baby was still born at 6 months. For her, it seems acknowledging, talking about and remembering her little girl is what is most important. That said another good friend bought a beautiful silver charm with the initial of the baby's name, which my friend wears around her neck every day and really loves.

Sorry to hear your friend is going through this awful time.

Our dd2 was diagnosed with a chromosomal issue and we had a tfmr.

She was 22 weeks, we named her and have a memory box for her. My work friends sent us flowers and a small teddy for her, one friend of mine made her an ornament (she had made the same one for dd1 when she was born in a different colour), my auntie bough her some crystals (she's into that kind of stuff) and another thoughtful work friend bought her a little angel figure.

All of these were lovely. They're not the 'normal' things you'd buy for a baby but it was definitely an acknowledgement that my dd2 was here and was part of the world. That's what those gifts signify.

Sadly, your friend will come arias many people who will be uncomfortable hearing about her dc or try to placate her with meaningless words. Those people bother me much less than they would simply because I know I have a group of people who recognise dd2 and allow me to talk about my short time with her in a normal way.

Everyone is different but I would say but something. It shows some real thought

I'd also say it doesn't matter when you give it. I'm 10 months later and sobbed uncontrollably when my friend asked to light a candle in church for dd2. It's raw whenever. Plus that sobbing isn't a bad thing, please don't try to avoid upsetting her, she's going to be upset whatever. If your gesture makes her cry then I'll bet they'll be tears or sadness and happiness that someone is acknowledging her DC.

Yesterday I gave birth to our stillborn baby who had chromosomal abnormalities. The first thing I would say is, your friend should make absolutely sure that her baby's difficulties definitely will result in miscarriage. We were told ours would and they did but some babies with the same condition are born living. Secondly, it's helped us to treat our baby as worthy and valuable of talking about and gifts although we didn't want to be left with a house full of baby items. We were able to choose an outfit which she will be buried in and I made a blanket which she will be wrapped in. Family bought a teddy and a cardigan for her. For us, this was just enough to show how important she was without being too much to cope with.

So sorry for your loss Hopefully

OP I'd say perhaps to get your friend some flowers, a nice candle or a charm if she wears jewellery that it goes on. You sound like a lovely supportive friend.

Oh hopefully, I'm so sorry. I was really hoping that your dd would make to to term.

Thanks kitty, we were too and, to be honest, the longer she was with us, the more we thought she might. We are at peace with all the decisions that we made and we're incredibly well supported throughout but .... It's still utterly rubbish. From birth plans and fighting for treatment to funeral arrangements! Bit of a shift! How are you doing? I read on another thread that you weren't looking forward to Christmas. I don't blame you, I can't even contemplate it yet.

Bless you, yes it's a massive shift. Like you said, you did all the right things for you and your family it's just utterly shit it ended up this way. Are the hospital helping with the funeral? They were brilliant with us and although we're not religious the hospital Chaplin was lovely and brilliant with it all.

I'm feeling better about Christmas now, I've found out I'm unlikely to be able to conceive again so I'm now working through that and focusing on our family as it is atm.

I think atm it's going to be a case of you just getting though each day x

Randomly we have a good family friend who is a funeral director so we are in good hands with the funeral. I want it to be done properly as it's one of the few things that we can do for our darling girl now but I am absolutely dreading the funeral. From the day of the 20 week scan I would picture the funeral and cry and cry over and over. It's the thing I didn't want to do the most. Giving birth to her, saying goodbye to her I was able to accept but the funeral fills me with dread. But .. . I've coped with everything else with the support of dh and my family and no doubt this will be the same.
I'm so sorry to hear that you are unlikely to conceive again although a family member was told she definitely couldn't and her baby is almost 1 now. We are waiting for the results of some genetic tests before we make any more plans and are considering adoption as a possibility.

Hopefully, I read some of your other posts. I'm so very sorry to hear about your darling girl. What is her name? Nobody should ever have to bury their baby xx
Kitty, so sorry you have also walked this terrible road. It's so unfair xx
The only thing I found that helps is time...please be gentle on yourselves xx
OP...you love your baby from the moment you find out your expecting, your friend will appreciate any acknowledgement (thinking of you card etc) no matter how small, you sound like a lovely friend.

Hopefully I'm so so sorry to hear of your loss.

And thank you to everyone who offered suggestions. I really do appreciate it all.

Our first baby died and I absolutely HATED the flowers that people sent.

I appreciated that they were well-meaning, but the thought of putting them in a vase to watch them die so soon after our baby died was appalling to me. I threw them on the compost heap.

What I really appreciated and still have 10 years down the line are the cards with kind and thoughtful messages and small gifts that people addressed to her. They mean the world to me.

Hopefully, I won't lie. It's bloody horrific. I found that and scattering her ashes almost the worst part (I had a tfmr, the injection was by far the hardest thing I have ever done, I don't regret it but it was horrific, followed by leaving her at the hospital the day after I gave birth)

However, like you say, you will get through it if only because you have to. One day at a time. I'm still living week to week tbh which is why I'm not too worried about the future.

Lots of peace to you

I lost a baby at 23 weeks for similar reasons to Kitty, and one friend sent a bottle of wine, partly for me, and partly for us to raise a glass to our baby.

I liked it, but I appreciate not everyone would.