Husband doesn't want to try again after miscarriage :(

[diamonddust444]

Hi,

Last year, I had an early miscarriage at around 6 weeks. I was absolutely devastated, and haven't been able to get over it since. I already have two children from a previous marriage, but have always wanted to have another. My current husband is happy with the two we have, and doesn't want to try for another. When I fell pregnant by accident, I was over the moon. It felt like I had won the lottery, but then that was cruelly taken away from me, and I don't know how to get over it. The thing that makes it even worse is that my husband won't let me try again. I get so frustrated, and just don't understand why I was given something, only to have it taken away and never be allowed to try again. I get sad every time I see babies or pregnant women. It has caused so many arguments between me and my husband, and I feel guilty for that, but he just doesn't understand how I feel. He can't give me a straight answer as to why he doesn't want another child, and says that he wishes he would want one so that I would be happy. The worst thing is that he told me we could try (I take medication which you can't conceive on, so we were going to wait until I'd been off my meds for long enough), then he changed his mind, but didn't tell me, I figured it out and approached him about it! He said he was scared of upsetting me because he knows how important it is to me. We talk about it so often, and I just can't get it out of my mind. Things remind me of it all the time, then that makes me talk about it again, which always turns into an argument. In every way he is a wonderful, wonderful man. He is a fantastic husband and an amazing step-father to my children. My two children are amazing, and I can't imagine my life without them. Yet, in some ways, I feel so empty. I know I should be grateful for what I have already, and I wish I could move on, but I'm finding it so hard and feel like no-one understands me. I'm starting to feel really angry and resentful towards my husband, and am scared that this is starting to drive a wedge between us. I feel like I am completely at his mercy, and have no choice in what happens. Any advice or help would be gratefully appreciated. I feel like I'm going insane! Thanks x

Diamond, i can relate. I just had my miscarriage over the weekend. Dh and i talked tonight. Big mistake. He is 36. We have 3 kids. A 14yr old girl, an 11 yr old girl and a 7yr old boy. We just miscarried at 14 weeks surprise baby turned surprise twins. Unsure when we lost baby a because he wasnt formed like his brother. I caught Erin's brother Damien in my hands. I held him. I saw his perfect toes and fingers. They will be cremated at the local funeral home. But talkin w dh tonight, he's done. No more babies for him. Wait? What about what i want? Apparently when our boy was younger i said i was done, he was a mommas boy and i couldn't do it. Well after holding my precious son Damien in my hands ive had a change in heart. So i resign, he gets his way hes happy no more babies. Or after being with him since i was 16, married 14 years, i throw it all away because i want a baby and he wants to travel. Saying goodbye after all this time will be hard but can i live my life wanting a baby he will never give me???

I wanted to come on and say I can totally relate. I'm 42 with a beautiful dc but we spent ages deciding whether to have a second and then tried when we thought it was probably too late .. and was astonished to get pregnant straight away. I was very happy, dh less so but was coming round to the idea then at 8 weeks I was rushed in for emergency surgery because baby was ectopic.

It's been very traumatic and I'm not sure now what I want. I had started to imagine our lives with another child and it does seem like a cruel joke that the opportunity was given to us and then whipped away. Maybe I would have rather not conceived in the first place..

I've not really spoken to my dh about trying again but is suspect he also will be reluctant. I keep thinking was it fates way of saying be grateful for what you've got and dont push your luck.

It's very hard when it was your last chance. I hope time will make it easier and I am trying to count my blessings and how lucky we are to have our dc1

I'm so sorry for all pps loss

I am so glad that I came across this thread. I was in search of ways to get over my emotional burdon and long and behold I do not feel as if something is wrong with me anymore. Every one of your post I can relate to in one way or another.

After over a year of crying every night and being completely miserable because I want another child and my amazing husband doesn't. I thought our marriage was not going to make it. Than it happened, he said he would give me one chance (more like 2 nights) to try and see what happens. I felt like I just won the lotto. But he made it clear it was just this one chance and if we got pregnant then ok, but if we didn't than that has to be it. I was happy, we started doing things together and enjoying each others company again. But, I got right to work, I did my homework and research. I currently have 3 amazing boys, 11, 5, and almost 3 that I love so much and completely happy with but there has always been that feeling of one last baby missing from my life. I looked up all the ways to better your chances to have a girl and when my body said it was time, I took charge. Guess what... We got pregnant and to make things even better I got symptomes I have never experienced before with any of my previous pregnancies which in my mind, I did it, it was going to be a girl. 2 days after I got that BFP, I started to bleed a little then a little more and then a lot more. I called the Dr who sent me for blood work and everything I have wanted and needed for so long is was gone. I was devastated. I was so angry and lashed at him as if it was his fault for wanting this to happen. I went through every emotion you could possibly think of yet hiding most of it so the kids didn't see it. When I mentioned the fact that it was going to happen anyway so let's try again, he reminded me that that was it, no matter what happend.
Then when I started to feel a little bit normal and wanted comfort, we had a wonderful night without him worrying about what could happen. It was great. Of course that was the last night I got like that and then I started feeling symptoms, so I waited and waited up to now. It should be that the right time to try to take tests. I am staring at these test in every angel and lighting as if I am missing something, I even go back several times to make sure but there isn't anything there.
I am now going back to becoming the monster I was before, hateful, angry and depressed. I could never imagine myself leaving him but I don't even want to go to bed and sleep next to the one person that is keeping me from what I have needed to feel complete instead I am crying on the couch again every night.
I know it isn't fair to him to treat him this way but I can't seem to get past the resentment. I mean the only reason why I can't fulfill this need is because of him. I can't imagine my last child, my last chance of being complete, being the one that never made it. I am suppose to be pregnant right now, I am suppose to happy and excited.

I feel out of control of everything. How do you get over this?

I’m so sorry ur having such a tough time Boymomx3. I’ve just had a mc after 3 healthy babies and to say I’m devastated is a pale description.
My dh is all he can’t think of getting pregnant again as this was our surprise 4th and he hadn’t wanted it when I told him. We mc at 9weeks. In the space of a long weekend I went from being pregnant waiting for the date for my 12 week scan and figuring how to tell all our friends, family and children to not being pregnant and having passed my baby that by Monday I was hollow and empty and having to tell work why I wasn’t going to be there!!!!!!
I can’t express in words at how angry I was and am that this little one didn’t get to be, but even more so how he can’t understand why I don’t want this to be the last memory of pregnancy for me. He said we need to let the dust settle!!!!!!!! I just wanted to punch him, and he continued to watch tv.
I’m falling apart while trying to pretend I’m all ok to go bk to work and get on with it as I have 3 children I can’t fall apart on but it’s so hard, and I think he just doesn’t understand and I never really know what he’s thinking and I don’t think he wants to either.
MC is the cruelest joke but his we’ll see, maybe, no rush, or out and out no is a close second. It’s not fair!!!!!

Hi @Pinkchaos,

First of all I’m so sorry for all the losses we have experienced. 💕 it’s such a heartbreaking thing to go through. I feel so guilty at times and like I’d asked for this as we were so shocked and anxious when we discovered we were having a 3rd and even considered termination 😢

I feel embarrassed by my heartache because I spoke to friends about how i didn’t want 3 children and I felt I was complete with two beautiful children and now I’m heart broken I feel like they must think that it doesn’t hurt as I didn’t want it anyway. But I know now that I felt anxious because my husband didn’t want it and I wanted him to be happy about it. Also I felt very different this time and maybe I just knew something wasn’t right? I miscarried naturally at 10 weeks but the baby hadn’t grown past 6 weeks. I told my children 6 and 9 because they were concerned and worried that I was crying at all time and I wanted them to know I wasn’t seriously ill and just to cuddle me when I’m sad. They are keeping me focused while I have them at home with me during lockdown and I am so grateful to have them I sometimes feel like I’ve had my turn and I should be thankful for what I have. I almost feel greedy for wanting more and to try again.

I feel cross at My husband as he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to try again and I feel like he feels like he’s off the hook now as he desperately didn’t want another but deep down I felt so lucky to be experiencing it again. Every time we are intimate it devastates me that he wants to use protection as we were using the natural method before and I felt like if I got pregnant by accident it was meant to happen and I’d be happy however this is clearly not what he was thinking. I end up having a melt down every time because I’m desperate to be close to him and it hurts so much that he wants to prevent a baby that badly. I agree with the comments that say having another baby will heal but I’ve got no chance 😢.

I have friends and family trying too and if they all get pregnant at the same time Il be wishing I was joining them 😔

So sorry for rambling - it’s nice to know we are not alone in this and we can talk to each other. Sending love ladies 💕

Just came across this thread as looking for anyone in my situation to ease my feelings.
I have miscarried this week at 6 weeks pregnant. I have one little girl but am desperate for a sibling for her. A couple months back My husband said he wanted to talk about trying for another baby and I was over the moon as he wasn’t keen before. But when I told him I was pregnant a couple weeks ago he wasn’t bothered he was more concerned about finances and not being able to afford holidays and home improvements etc. Now I have lost the baby he has said he doesn’t want anymore and I am devastated. The fact that he said that to me when I am going though a miscarriage is heartbreaking. I don’t want my daughter not to have the support of a sibling when she is older. And feel absolutely alone, devastated and confused that he has changed his mind so quickly. He even hinted that he thinks our relationship needs work as I don’t make him feel wanted or needed anymore. But this is a man where nothing is good enough.
Deep down I know he is selfish, he admits this all the time. I love him but this situation makes me question everything.

This is my story to a T.

Can I ask how you made out?

Apologies for reopening this thread but I’ve been searching forums for days on this exact situation and this is the only one I’ve found. It’s been just over a week since I discovered my missed miscarriage on a pregnancy that was accidental. The comments on here reflect so perfectly the complexity of my emotions, better than I have been able to express. I am sorry for all who have gone through this loss and been faced with the reality that this was their last chance. It sounds weird but just reading that others have experienced the same emotional situation that I am now in has made me feel a little less lonely and a little more able to cope with the future.
I hope you have managed to find peace since this thread began.

I feel exactly the same and again like many of you have said its so nice to know im not the only one feeling like this. I have just jad a miscarriage at 16 weeks and my heart feels like its in pieces. This was a suprise pregnancy and my partner wasnt happy or supportive about it. He was really upset when the missed miscarriage was confirmed but he made it clear before that he will never let this happen again. I dread the conversation when i bring up my long and desire for another baby as i have no doubts he will object. We have 2DC which i adore but again i feel i need this baby to help me heal from loosing my baby boy. Some days i cannot handle that ive lost my baby and when i think of never getting the chance to be pregnant again i feel the same.

I wondered if anyone who jas previously posted managed to get pregnant again and change their partners minds?

XxxX

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My miscarriage was 2 months ago now and honestly the pain does dissipate bit by bit although it is always on my mind. What I would say is it’s a dangerous game living each day hoping he’ll change his mind. I was the same way too and found he’d started the vasectomy process which was frankly crushing. I guess only time will tell but first and foremost you should take care of yourself and take whatever time you need to grieve - easier said than done of course. I hope you manage to find some peace and have more luck than I did.

Hi all,
Am digging up this old thread again because I feel like this could have literally been written by me. I have two children that I love more than anything, and I know I am so so lucky. My husband never wanted a third but found out I was pregnant in February and although it took a while to get our heads around it, I was so excited and it felt so right (I always wanted 3 kids). Then I had a miscarriage on Mother’s Day. He recovered from this easily and was socialising etc. pretty soon afterwards. While I can’t seem to move on.

After the miscarriage he said a few things like ‘maybe this just wasn’t the right time, it doesn’t mean we can’t try again’ and told me to keep some old baby clothes that I was getting rid of ‘just incase’.

I finally got up the guts to ask him about what he thinks about trying again and he has gone so far down the ‘I do not want three children, no means no, you can’t manipulate me into this’ road, and said he was just saying those other things in the sadness of the moment.

I feel like my feelings towards him are changing and I don’t know how to move past this. I feel like his happiness and contentment with life just reminds me of my own misery, and I have a massive amount of resentment towards him (while at the same time respecting that no more kids is his right). My question is how have people moved on with this? Do I just live my life with him always feeling unhappy? Or is this the kind of thing that ends relationships? I just feel so removed from him it’s like we’re living on different planets.

Hey Sunny, my sympathies go out to you. It’s strange looking back at this thread - it seems like a lifetime ago. I completely understand your position here. I can only speak from my own experience but I just decided - for myself - not to linger on it any more and that my fixation on the miscarriage wasn’t making me feel better and I was tired of being sad all the time. I chose to get back to my old self and let go of my resentment that my partner didn’t feel the same. In the end nature took its course and the menopause put a total end to any further thoughts of trying. It genuinely doesn’t feel bad any more and I would say we are back to our happy crew. It sounds like your partner was trying to say things that he thought would make you feel better without appreciating the intensity of his words. In my experience it’s the need to fix your sadness instead understanding, empathising and supporting you in getting through it. Ultimately Only you can decide if your relationship can withstand this - keep communicating if you can. He may not agree but at least he can understand your perspective. I wish you all the best.

Hi Pickle,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, it’s encouraging that things can get better even if it all feels a bit hopeless at the moment. It does make me feel like time will help, and I know deep down that I have to get on with things and focus on the kids that I do have. Thanks again

I know this started as a old post but just wondering how people got through this ? Did your relationships survive ?
Im now at a crossroads of either accepting my husband wont try again or we are over for good and I don't know what to do im so heartbroken

There is a 11 year age gap between me and hubby he's 30 me 41 I have 3 older children he has none
When we married I was 38 and when I said u know my age will probably mean we can't have a baby he said he always thought he would have them but no problem id be enough
Fell pregnant at 39 unexpected and my husband was so happy
12 week scan all looked perfect and then 1 week later our world came crashing down when tests showed possible down syndrome
I then had a amnio and miscarried at almost 16 weeks it was one of the worst things I've been through and I know it was traumatic for my husband maybe we both needed councilling then
I was desperate for my baby boy back and made worse that as i was approaching 40 time was running out
My husband would not accept trying again
Which caused so many tears and arguments even a split for a few months
I felt angry with him because I needed to try again to heal and he used condoms which utterly broke my heart and made me resent him
1 year later and he agreed to try again for my sake he said cos he cared about me and I still couldn't get over our loss
Now at 41 I was so happy to get pregnant again after 4 months trying and he said he was happy
At what should have been 9 weeks I learned id had a mmc and baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks
My world has fell apart I begged my husband to try again cos im running out of time he said ok at first but straight away had changed he is now very firm on this and I feel like I really thought this was our rainbow
I never imagined I'd lose another and that it would be my last chance
He is saying if I don't accept the marraige is over and I hate him for this
Why can't he understand i need this to be ok
Because I'm so depressed I hate seeing pregnant women it makes me so angry especially ones my sort of age cos I think why is there baby ok there husband would probably have tried again mine has took it from me
He is saying he accepted once and now I have to accept it but I don't think I can
But then either I'm unhappy for no baby or unhappy my marraige is over
I can't understand why when he has no kids he would do this to us
And then I worry he will regret in years to come and leave me for a younger woman
I resent him for wasting what little time I have left and I worry when menopause approaches I will really hate him
My feelings towards him are different I loved him so much but now all I can feel is anger towards him
It's ok for him he has years if he leaves me later for children if he has regrets
He says now he never wanted children but that's not what he said when we met he said he always thought he would have them
I feel so down and don't know what to do
I don't think this time he will change and I'm 42 this year
Did any of u get past this or did it break you's?
It's good to read similar posts as I feel no one understands me

I would be very grateful if you could read this (long) post and comment on it if anything piqued your interest.