wave of light - anyone doing this on Thursday?

[Trooperslane]

Can't link on phone, but the idea is that anyone across the world who has lost a baby lights a candle at 7pm on Thursday to remember their losses.

Anyone else doing it? I am assuming I will be drinking wine and be a snotty mess whilst dh is out - due date for DC who we lost in April would have been Friday.

I'm not big on public grief but it makes me so angry that this is such a forbidden/taboo topic.

If been much more open this time because keeping it in the other million times nearly killed me.

I'm also Irish and we believe lighting a cancel helps most stuff - I'm in no way religious but it helps me reflect.

Anyone joining me?

*tv show.

Thank you Trooper

It's a high risk pregnancy though and I'm being very closely monitored; my consultant team are being very cautious we're taking it a week at a time.

Help!

I know this is nuts, but I need to blow the candles out and I don't know how to do it, without feeling I'm blowing them out.

Help!

Trooper did you manage?

Could you make a wish for you little one? Maybe to always feel your love? Or stay close to you? Or one day you'll be together again?

Yes!

I said

I love you birthday baby. Sleep tight.

I love you Christmas baby. Sleep tight.

I love you A (name). Sleep tight.

And blew out the candles one by one.

All cried out now and on the vino, but feel like I can breathe again like I haven't been able to in months.

Hope that's a help to others. Thanks for all your support X

......especially badgers X

It was a bit of an odd moment here too ... Ended up having to say, "thank you little candle for helping us to remember our baby beans". I think that'll have to be our special memory candle now.

Hi Trooperslane, just wanted to thank you for prompting me to light a candle last night in memory of my dad Roisin who was stillborn just 6 weeks ago. She had Triploidy and we decided to let nature take its course - she was a little fighter and managed to hang on until 32 weeks. I had my 6 week check up sans Bebe yesterday and my friend who was my bump buddy gave birth to her little boy on Tuesday so yesterday was a BAD day. I noted that you are also Irish so you already know how rubbish our well meaning friends and relatives are at sympathising / not sympathising. Just wanted to ask you where you went for counselling - if it's not too much to ask could you message me with any recommendations of someone in or around Dublin if that's where you are located? I am very sorry for your loss. I am also dreading Roisins actual due date which is 1st November. Sending you Irish muddled-up words of comfort.

Stupid iPad - meant my 'dd' not my Dad!!!!

Countrychick, I am so sorry about little Roisin. For 32 weeks she was snuggled up under your heart and all she could feel was your love. I am very certain that she still feels it now, because, as I have found out, a mothers love and that bond we have with our precious children is way stronger than death. The arrival of new babies is hard. I am 7 months down the line and women who were just announcing their pregnancy when I was over my due date are now giving birth and everytime I have to swallow hard and have a good cry. There will always be reminders of what we are missing, not that we need reminders. I wish you much strength and peace of heart and mind my lovely. Don't be afraid to show how vunerable you feel I have stumbled across some very wise and compassionate strangers when I have been in bits in random places. I think there is something very specific about the tears and snot of a grieving mother, people won't see a crazy lady they will see someone struggling in the worst kind of hell.

Oh countrychick - I love Roisin, beautiful name. That must be so raw, so recent. . Life is very hard to understand sometimes.

I'm Irish, but live in Scotland so I'm no use to you re counselling venues, but I can say it really helped. (With the right person).

I also took a few months off work to deal with this last one, which, though not legally a still birth, felt like one to me (delivered baby etc). It helped. I've also been really, brutally honest and open about what has been going on. It helped too.

My due date is today, dd has been making us laugh already this morning and I've taken today off work. We're going to toddlers this morning and then Dh and I are having a really nice lunch together before friends arrive for the weekend.

I feel like I've released a load of tension by crying so much last even though I'm a bit hungover

Thank you all for posting. I hope I haven't upset anyone, hope you are doing as well as you can this morning.

Big hugs all.

T X

Wise words from Badgers, again.

My counsellor told me that when they do fayres/fetes etc for fundraisers she has very often had an elderly wee woman come up to her, pressing a fiver into her hand, with tears in her eyes.

We never get over it. We just eventually come to terms with the fact that it's happened and change our life to wrap ourselves around the memory.

I also wear the loss like a badge of honour. I'm proud of the babies that tried so hard to stay and that I fought tooth and nail to have. I nearly killed myself, broke me and Dh and nearly bankrupted us.

The other thing, country is not to feel guilty about not feeling happy for others, or feeling why not me? Felt like it for years, still do.

Massive hugs again.

Troopers a massive hug for you today on your precious child's due date. Please don't let the BIRTH of you baby be belittled in any way. If you delivered your baby then you gave birth to your baby. My little one was born at 40+5 and I feel lucky to have been spared the agony of a due date, I can't even imagine.

Thank you both 3littleBadgers and Troopers - it's the first time I've reached out to anyone beyond the hospital team and your words of wisdom from painful experience mean a huge amount to me. You're right about the 'crying in random places' - I've just been bawling into my shopping bags in the boot of my car after seeing a newborn in the supermarket!! I think I'm just starting to thaw out after the initial trauma of it all and all the emotional triggers of the 6 weeks and getting my first period since Roisin was born this week have made me all weepy. I will talk to a counsellor - I need to vent and rage at someone who won't judge me - dh got a terrible time from me yesterday because he panicked when I didn't respond to a text from dd's school about her wetting herself within 10 mins ( I was having a shower before going to Doc for 6 wk check up - FFS!!!!) so he legged it from work in a taxi to pick her up making me feel like a totally bad mammy. Not on purpose, but that's how I felt. Please tell me that eventually I will be able to think clearly and not lose the rag over every little thing sometime soon???? I am off work until March as I am entitled to maternity leave but am really worried I won't manage all the stress that going back to work will bring. I am blessed that I have two dd's already but they are pretty demanding as it is and the youngest is a terrible sleeper. I need a holiday from life...... Troopers, mind yourself today, I admire you for lining up nice things to do with your husband as a way to mark your due date. Hug.

We're always here country.

It will get better, I promise. It's such early days, be very gentle with yourself X

Country what you are describing sounds all so very normal, as horrible as it sounds. Some days you will feel almost normal again, and then others you will find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think a big part of getting though it is just riding out the times when you feel like you are swimming in treacle and knowing that there will be better days. You will find your own ways to include your precious angel in everyday life and also the special occasions, which will become unique to you.
The important thing is that you are kind to yourself and forgiving when you are having a tough time. Don't beat yourself up when you are not on top form x

Thinking of you today troopers. I remember my due date so well. The lead up was awful, I totally fell apart.

Strangely the passing of that date saw a bit if a shift and I started to look in to myself and work on healing rather than that angry 'I should be...'

I hope you have found some sort of peace today

Cheers Kitty

Friends coming for the weekend and me and Dh had a lovely boozy lunch.

Build up is awful I agree. Big snotty cry and too much wine helped last night.

Big hugs X

Sometimes the best thing is a gut wrenching, snotty sob to get things out for a while

I feel better than I have for aaaages.

Didn't need the hangover, but I'll let myself off this time.

Feel like I can breathe again.

Thank you again Kitty. I wouldn't wish any of this on a mortal enemy but I'm so glad people like you are so generous with your experience and brave and caring enough to speak out.

Have a lovely weekend lovely X

From Facebook today.

I think a lot of us will recognise this.

Keep er lit and look after yourselves.

X

That is a perfect explaination.

I went through a funny stage where I was pushing it all down to the and be strong and 'get on with things' I started having odd panic attacks. I've had anxiety attacks before but these were physically exactly the same without any of the anxious feelings.

I spoke to my counsellor about it and when I finally got to the bottom of it I was having these funny attacks whenever I was surpressing my sorrow or tears.

I now let myself cry, or tell myself it's ok and I will give myself space for it later (like when I'm on my own with dd1, she's seen enough tears recently) then I spend some alone time and have a really good sob.

Since I've started doing that I've not had a panic attack.

kitty
You are so selfless in your help and advice. I think there are many of us who have been pulled through very dark times thanks to your words. The last 24 hours have been no exception.
If MN did awards, you'd be winning them.
Thank you