This time last week I was a complete and utter wreck.
I had been for my third scan to see if my pregnancy was progressing. See I had a tiny amount of spotting early on at about 5 weeks and because of this they kept an eye on me in the EPU.
Last Friday I was told that not only had my baby stopped growing but it had shrunk. The sonographer said she would give me and my boyfriend a few moments and to speak to her afterwards.
I was crying so hard because for a week I had assumed the worst but to have it confirmed in such a cold and almost heartless manner was devastating. I could barely put my tights back on.
I sat down at the desk and she pulled out four leaflets. One explaining what a miscarriage was and the other three were each explaining the three different options available to me. I asked if she recommended s particular one, her response, "if there was one option more suitable then it would be the only option". She handed me the leaflets and told me to call if I needed to ask any questions.
I walked out into the reception area of the EPU and cried into my mums arms. I just wanted to get home.
I got home and held it together enough to read the leaflets. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. Why? I had taken folic acid before I was even pregnant. I hadn't so much as sniffed alcohol. My roots were horrendous, I didn't even want to colour my hair just in case and now I was reading a leaflet on how to manage pain during miscarriage.
I hadn't made a decision by the evening. I went to the loo and there it was, blood on the tissue. It had started already.
I wasn't totally prepared for what was next to come.
At this point I had no painkillers. I was fine, it was just light bleeding. My parents came round the next day. We watched the football. Sunday came and still, no pain just raw emotion of what had happened. I was crying a lot at this point, my family were texting me constantly making sure I was ok.
From Momday, the pain really kicked in. I didn't go to work. I was far too sad and upset and I hadn't slept in weeks through worry of the scan. Now I couldn't sleep through grief.
Tuesday night was far and away the most pain I have ever experienced. I woke up at 1am to feel a tugging low down in my vagina. It was how I imagined a contraction would feel. I was climbing the walls in agony. My hot water bottle gave me some reprieve but this was like nothing else I had felt. I woke up a further two times during that night. The bleeding wasn't particularly heavy, but I passed some small, stringy clots.
That next morning, my other half went to the pharmacy and explained what happened. He brought back co codomol and ibuprofen. I had my fizzy co codomol with one ibuprofen. Next thing I new, I was asleep. A proper sleep for the first time in what felt like forever. For the next two days I had moderate cramps, headaches and tiredness. Coupled with feelings of extreme sadness and a feeling of, "this isn't happening to me".
I decided to go back to work today, the girls had been extremely supportive and to be honest, apart from my kittens, there was no reason to stay at home.
I could only take ibuprofen for the pain today and to be fair, I was ok until later afternoon. I made my way to the ladies at work and honestly felt like I needed the opposite to a wee. As I went, I felt something shoot out of me. I looked down, I couldn't even tell you what I saw. It was approx 3 inches and looked red from what I could see. The pressure I felt before that was intense to say the least.
The minute I got home, I had to have some painkillers. I had to go against the advice on the packet as the pain and pressure was a bit much.
I am now in bed and I have no idea what happens next. Will this bleeding just continue until everything is gone? How will I know everything has gone?
I do not feel pregnant anymore. The only remnants of my pregnancy are the spots that cover my face, the folic acid on my dressing table, the scan pictures in my bed drawer and the memory of getting that much wanted positive result last month.
Like many of you, my miscarriage has been raw and brutal. I still don't know where I am but this message board has been a fantastic support. I hope people find some comfort from this post as much as I have had found comfort from all of yours. If anyone has any queries please contact me.
Lots of love
Holly