Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Flip

Original poster

Struggling with friend's pregnancy announcement

9 replies

CakeLab · 07/08/2015 20:31

After ttc for 18 months and one very early miscarriage in January, I had a miscarriage at 11-12 weeks at the start of July after a small bleed on the morning of my booking appt and a scan showed an empty sac. It was a horrible experience - no options given about management and no advice given (mumsnet was a god-send), but we eventually got through it physically.

I thought was doing better mentally too - I was coping better with seeing pregnant women and babies around and had stopped keeping track each day of how far along I'd have been. But then one of my best friends announced her pregnancy and she's due 3 days after we would have been. Since then I feel like I'm right back to square one, struggling to cope with the littlest of reminders. And I'm annoyed with myself because I am now dreading seeing her.

Does anyone have any advice on how they dealt with this? I want to feel happy for her and I want to start moving on, but it's so hard.

OP posts:

MrsHathaway · 07/08/2015 20:53

I'm so sorry for your loss.

A friend of mine had an EDD almost identical to mine, and a mc almost exactly at the same time as me. Unlike me, she was also carrying a survivor twin. It was incredibly hard for me to see her expand.

But another (very wise and straightforward) friend of mine pointed out that (a) she wasn't having my baby and (b) I didn't want hers either. It was like a lightbulb in my head and I suddenly got that our pregnancies - my unsuccessful and her continuing - were completely unrelated. There's no mystical quota of babies for a year; she didn't take my chance.

I still get a slight pang when I see him even though I was pregnant again before he was born. Miscarriage is shitty and makes us mad.

I hope you have better news for yourself soon.

Curlywurlysue · 09/08/2015 23:59

Be kind to yourself. I had a miscarriage in March and my sister in law is due two weeks before I would have been. I find it hard to see her but I just try to be strong and be happy that their baby is doing well. It's hard though, I keep telling myself that once my due date and the anniversary of the miscarriage pass things will start to get easier.

Tucktalking · 10/08/2015 00:13

Once you see the lovely helpless baby and possibly carry it in your arms, you will feel better that a new life has come into the world. The same will be yours some day. Why the jealousy or bad feeling. Think about things from the baby's point of view, not yours. Little helpless things that need to be fed, and carried around, can't talk and can only cry.
Hope you feel better. Its hard.

Kewcumber · 10/08/2015 00:26

What peculiar advice Tuck I doubt OP actually wishes any harm on the baby.

Why should think of things from the baby's point of view

Time helps OP. Just time. Put a brave face on in public, cry in private and grit your teeth.

NanaNina · 10/08/2015 00:48

Yes I thought that was a very odd post Tuck - you ask "why the jealousy or bad feeling............." I think the answer to that is fairly obvious. It isn't jealousy anyway, it's envy and there's a difference - envy is sign post to wanting.........and to talk of the poor OP carrying her friend's baby in her arms, is just totally inappropriate in my view

Take Kew's advice OP.

FortyFacedFuckers · 10/08/2015 00:54

I'm so sorry you are going through this op I am going through the same I have just started a thread. X

RegLlamaOfBrixton · 10/08/2015 09:40

I am in this position too. Early MC in March (would have been DC3) and 8 weeks later one of my closest friends who I see a lot announced she was 8 weeks with her DC2 so due a month after I would have been. I was starting to move on from the MC and it felt like I'd been punched in the face, I was devastated that I would have this constant reminder of what I'd lost. MC is horrid, and this situation makes it even harder.

But like Mrs Hathaway's friend, I told her not to feel bad, as I'd wanted my baby, not hers. I try to rationalise it this way and see that she hasn't 'taken' my baby. It's nearly 3 months since she announced her pregnancy and I am still finding it hard, but not as bad as I thought it would be, I guess I'm learning to live with it. I hope that in years to come I will hopefully have had my DC3 and the last few months will be a distant memory.

Does your friend know about your MC? I wish mine didn't as I would have found it much easier to put a brave face on and cry in private.

Sorry for your loss OP, and for everyone else who has suffered pregnancy loss

Tucktalking · 11/08/2015 03:46

Sorry about that advice. I wanted a baby really badly and was going through ivf and was completely stressed out. My sister gave birth successfully. I was dreading going there. When I went there I forgot all my pain and was happy as I had to hold the baby. Mine was not just a miscarriage but also felt like £3500 down the drain.

Original poster

CakeLab · 20/08/2015 21:46

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I decided after posting that I needed to just avoid thinking about it for a while so didn't check back, but am coping better now and it's been so reassuring to hear your stories and advice. I'm sorry for all your losses and wish you all lots of happiness in the future.

I realise now that my original post sounded quite unkind towards my friend, so understand Tuck's response. I just wanted to clarify though, that I'm of course thrilled they are one of the 'first try lucky' ones - I wouldn't wish our experiences on anyone. It's just the fact that that joy triggers my own pain that's hard. Kew's advice is working for me at the moment though - brave face in public, cry in private, gritting my teeth and trying to stay positive.

Thank you all - it means a lot that you took the time to reply

OP posts:

Flip