How has miscarriage changed you (if at all)?

[BottomleyPottsSpots]

I know this is a bit of an odd question, but I have always wondered whether I am the only person to feel 'changed' by the miscarriage experience or whether others too feel that they are, in some way, different.

So please, if you think it has had an impact on you - or none at all - tell me your views.

My experience:
DH and I went through 3 miscarriages in the first year of marriage. Even 7 years later, with 3 healthy children, there's no doubt that we are both very different people because of what we went through. It had a lasting impact on our marriage too.

Personally, I still can't hear pregnancy announcements without feeling a slight punch in the gut. I'm more cautious, and probably more cynical. But, equally - and I can only really say this now the acute pain of loss has dulled - I can see some positives. I've formed wonderful bonds and friendships with others who have had losses. I've learned a lot about human grief, resilience and hope.

Wow that's shocking. If you had another pg-related illness (sickness;spd; high blood pressure spring to mind) then the person who decides what is "reasonable" is your doctor alone - it's an illness, it's not like a bereavement leave, for example. And the actual "process" of a mc can easily take longer than two weeks. Just what you don't need at an already difficult time.
Incidentally I was successful after 4 rmcs (with steroid treatment) it can all work out in the end.

I'm the opposite of many people here. When I hear people holding off telling people (anyone at all) before 12 weeks I think why? It doesn't stop you from miscarrying and I needed people to 1) look after DD while I went in and out of hospital at short notice without having to explain and 2) not expect me to act normally. Plus I think we should talk about mc more. The good thing I've gained is Im starting to accept how little control anyone has over fertility. Although I struggle not to say anything when people announce their plans for 2 close together etc. and I'm more understanding of the questions not to ask people.
The best thing is seeing our relationship in the hard times. DH has been much amazing and I love him even more because of our losses and shared sadness.

I had a MC in January at 8 weeks. I'm now 17 weeks pregnant again.

Whenever I see a pregnant lady, I wonder about the journey she has gone on in order to carry that baby. I always used to assume pregnant women went about their business without a care in the world; now I know just how hard it can be.

I am not paranoid about my pregnancy, but I am acutely aware that I will never fully relax until I hold my baby in my arms.

Whenever I see people told "Brown blood is old blood!" I want to scream.

But overall, as a person, I don't believe I've fundamentally changed.

I'm so glad to have found this thread, I am not alone in how I feel about other people being pregnant. I just started another separate thread, but I'm wondering how many more times I can try again (4 MC one daughter). All those people how just seem to get pregnant and pop out babies, as many as they want without a second thought!

I changed jobs last year to one with better maternity etc, that now might seem like a silly decision. It is more flexible for me with dd though, so I must keep things in perspective. Seriously thinking of taking some time off / reducing hours whilst my dd is still young. I still have time for my career.

Hi OP,

Like yourself, I've discovered what real grief feels like (having never lost any family members apart from my baby).

My miscarriage has shown me how wonderful and treasured life should be. It's also shown me that I could neer have a termination.

It's also opened up a void that feels like is weeping open.

I miscarried Friday so everything is still fresh. I doubt it'll change though.

P.S, I want to slap the fag out of every smoking women's hand of whom is expecting

I had my first miscarriage at 3 months, in March during Covid so I was alone for all of my appointments. And I can honestly say that I think I left the ‘old me’ in that waiting room.
I have a very supportive and loving husband, and we are seeing each other through the hard times since, but my extended family have been very disappointing. One sister didn’t even contact me, not once, and I haven’t actually heard from her since (apart from a very emotionless birthday card). My other sister completely ignores my loss and constantly puts her newborn on to me every time I see her, and walks off, which completely breaks me. Luckily my mum is very supportive and sweet and my dad will talk to me about it if I bring it up - he was very supportive and emotional when it first happened too. So I am extremely lucky in a lot of ways but the thing that no one warns you about, is the emotional pain you go through - the guilt -
and the hellish heartache you put yourself through. That really is the part that makes it such a lonely process. I have never felt so bad about myself in my entire life and I’ve been through some stuff let me tell you. But this, has made me feel a very new kind of low.
I have never felt so happy as I did the day I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited and full of warmth. I was so naive though, god.
I am trying new things and pushing myself to find myself again but I think it’s going to take some time.

Miscarriage has definitely changed me over the years. After going through pregnancies for over 10 years, I have 2 healthy kids and I am so grateful, however sadly have lost 7 little babies. It's only in the last year I have sadly realised I was in a bubble and depressed for years as I was going through pregnancies and losses.
I started counselling a year ago it has being my lifeline.
I had a decade of grief and trauma that I never dealt with at the time and sadly no one knows how to. The feelings I had i was such a lonely lonely place. It affected all aspects of my life, my kids, my relationship with my DH which nearly destroyed us as a couple. However I feel we both have come out the otherside. However making the final decision of not being able to try to have anymore kids has being difficult, so I am finding the counselling is helping me come to terms with it, even though I feel ill never be a 100% happy not having another child and then there is a part of me that is relieved as the fear of being pregnant again the risk of loss is so high.
I wish you all the best of luck in the future

Although it is so sad reading everyone's stories, it is heartening to know I am not alone in how much this has changed me.

I think one of the things which has made it so difficult is that before my miscarriages/ fertility struggles I was kind, positive, sociable and generally happy for others. Since the miscarriage all of these qualities have been replaced by bitterness about my situation and jealousy when things seem to work out for everyone else.

It upsets me that I have not only lost my babies and the dreams that they brought but also so much of what made me a good person. I really don't like who I have become but I don't have any motivation/ inspiration to change that.

@DiamondSnow hugs to you. so sorry to hear you going through a difficult time.
Firstly you are a good person unfortunately the heartbreaking loss of your little babies makes everything so so hard at times. What you are feeling is normal looking around at everyone thinking everything is working out for everyone. I used to always feel the exact same, don't be hard on yourself as its such a hard thing to process losing a little baby. When the time is right for you find the right person to talk to if that helps for you. Reading your post I could have written it myself, I know that feeling of the old you feeling lost, however I am finding my old happy me is starting to surface after getting the right person to talk to and for someone to listen. Take care

Just noticed this is a very old thread and hope that some of the original posters have been able to find happier times.

I had 2 MCs 5 years ago and this time of the year always makes me a bit sad. It was the same time I went through the second one which was further along with heartbeat and I felt a deep emptiness afterwards. I was very fortunate and had DD 2 years later, and the experience of having a "rainbow baby" (though I hate that term) did help immensely in making the trauma of the MC fade away.

I'm able to think about the MCs without getting emotional and I also talk openly about it so people are aware it happens. However I do catch myself imagining DD's "phantom" sibling at times, knowing that for the briefest time, there was another little person that made me a mum before she was around. I also idly wonder how he/she would have looked like since I know DD's face so well.

The time between MCs and having a successful pregnancy was extremely difficult and I couldn't help feeling sad and resentful of all pregnant friends. Baby showers were horrible, and I still wonder why people do those knowing that statistically, at least a few of the women invited would be having struggles right then. I've also learned more compassion and never talk about babies/pregnancies around friends without them and would absolutely never ask couples when they are planning to have babies (or their second or third).

I had a miscarriage may 2020 at 6 weeks and then had my baby feb 2021. Although happy with baby, I'm in tears today. Remembering what could have been. It's awful.

Can see this is an old thread and hope everyone who has posted has had better times.

I feel like a completely different person inside. It’s hard to articulate as people haven’t seemed to notice a difference in me but I feel like pre miscarriage and post miscarriage is two different people. I feel like all my joy and innocence around pregnancy has gone. I have less tolerance for people’s shit. I feel indifferent to most things and things I used to get a lot of excitement from feel so trivial and meh nowadays. I’m only 2 months since it happened so hopefully I won’t always be like this but life feels completely different really. I’m going through the motions about 70-80% of the time I would say. It really is an odd existence atm.

Hmmm what a question. Some days I almost feel like it hasn't changed me. Others the pain, grief, anxiety, sadness, anger, confusion hit me like a truck. I do have children and I am so thankful for them, I truly feel blessed to have them but it doesn't fully take away the pain of my losses. I've had three in a row in the past 10 months and the past two pregnancies were just stress from the start. I struggled to be happy about being pregnant at all and it turns out good that I wasn't but it's awful to think that had any if them gone term that I probably wouldn't have enjoyed the pregnancy as I did with my other children.
My first loss was 09/03/23 the day before one of my DDs birthday. And the 'anniversary' (if you can call it that) is the day before not only my DDs birthday this year but also Mothers day. Not sure how I feel about that yet.
Going forward I am hopeful the pain will get better. I take each day as it comes. I have bad days. Real bad days. But I also have good days. My DH doesn't really talk much about the losses but on valentine's day he bought me a rose bush/plant and also a bunch of flowers which to some might not seem much but after 20 years together and 6 years of not celebrating valentine's day (our other DDs birthday is the 13th) it was his way of telling me he understands. It's hard for me to put into words to him how I feel but I know he feels the difference since the losses. It feels like part of me was with each loss.
To all you ladies on here, and I know it sounds cliché, please look after yourselves. Do something every day to make yourself smile. Whether you are TTC, waiting, not trying again, whether you have children or not, you are all very special and as shitty as this experience has been we are still here tentatively walking this new path that has been paved for us.

If anyone wants a neutral person to talk to my inbox is always open. Hopefully together we can make it just a little easier.

Take care you wonderful women 💐💐💐

Here's to all the rainbows🌈🌈🌈