Hi Poppies and Teakind
I'm so sorry for your losses. I wish I had the words to lift you a little.
My story is probably not quite the same as yours, but maybe it will help a bit.
It took me a bit longer than expected to conceive DS1. By the time I got pregnant, I had already been referred and was being seen at a fertility clinic (no problems found in the initial tests). It was a slightly difficult pregnancy, with some bleeding, but DS1 was born healthy.
When DH and I decided to try for DC2, we expected to struggle again, but I was pregnant within the year. Sadly, I had a (painful) miscarriage. I was determined to try again as soon as possible, partly to try and 'move past' what I was feeling, and partly out of desperation for a baby. A few months later, I found out I was pregnant again.
I started spotting at about 6 weeks, and was convinced I was miscarrying again. A scan showed that everything was fine. The bleeding continued, a second scan at 8 weeks showed everything was fine.
I talked to the midwife at my booking in appointment about the bleeding, and she suggested going to the walk-in EPAU for another scan. No heartbeat was found at 9 weeks.
The world felt cold and dark and unfair, and I didn't know how to cope other than to focus on trying again, which terrified me. I was both lucky/unlucky though in what happened next. My hcg levels took almost 3 months to drop, which I found a nightmare at the time. I was obsessed with being able to try again, so being forced to wait was probably healthier for me mentally (I can only see this in indsight though - it's not how I felt at the time).
It took me quite a while to get pregnant again, and as my periods didn't go back to normal after the second miscarriage, I was convinced that it would never happen. Convinced that DS1 was a very lucky fluke, and that my body just didn't work like it should. But I did get pregnant again.
I won't lie - I found that pregnancy hard. It was easy to tell myself that the first miscarriage was 'one of those things', after all, lots of women miscarry. I don't think I really believed it would happen a second time, so it flattened me when it did. So, I did keep expecting it to happen a third time. I never relaxed. I had bleeding until 18 weeks, along with some other complications (none related to miscarriages though). An A&E doctor even told me that I had miscarried at 16 weeks, after I had been admitted with very heavy bleeding and was passing large clots.
I didn't miscarry though, and after those 2 awful miscarriages, DS2 was born, healthy, full-term and heavy, just like his brother. He will be 2 tomorrow.
I hope I haven't said anything to add to your pain, because I can remember how frightening the aftermath of a miscarriage is. I just wanted to let you know my 'success' story.
I also know how much strength and bravery you have to find to try again, and what a leap into the unknown it is. Until it happened to me, I had no concept of what it took for someone to 'try again' after a miscarriage, and for those pregnant-again women to keep going day after day, never quite relaxing. Those women, you, have enormous strength. x