What to do?

[MG34]

After TTC for 3 years and all hope given up I found out I was Pg on Tuesday 5 weeks ago. Surreal, unreal, excitement and worry ran through my mind.

Told hubby to be, booked appointment with Gp to confirm and floated through my working week bursting with Joy.

In the back of my mind I tried not to get too excited as I have heard of a few friends Mc early. Then the Saturday morning, BOOM!!! I began to bleed not knowing what to do called NHS direct who advised go to local GP centre. I basically got told you're having a miscarriage at 5+5days, this is very common, nothing can be done. Go home.

Are you kidding me? I thought? No blood checks, no tests no advice leaflet? I felt dead.

After a week of blood tests and early scan to confirm Mc its bk to work and crack on. "At least you know it can happen" "it wasn't meant to be" "you can try again" we're amongst the annoying cliches but the prize winner of insensitivity was "its only a sac, it wasn't a person or anything".

Now 5 weeks on All I want to do is scream Why!!!!!!

Hubby wants to TTC again I do and I don't. Can't go through this again. Any advice on coping through the first stages off loss? ????

Hi,

Im so sorry for your loss.

I had a miscarriage at week 12 and was just devastated as had been so excited and thrilled and had told all friends and family as soon as I knew i was pregnant.

All I can say is how I coped with it myself as everyone copes in their own way. At first I felt sad, upset, disapointed, why is life so unfair. And cried buckets for the first week. I took 3 weeks off work as choose to let miscarrige happen naturally. Being at home really helped me to greive. Also taking with my partner, friends and the miscarriage association helpline really helped. Also I found it very helpful to light a special candle and close my eyes and think of the lost baby. I have kept it and look at it whenever I want to remember.

The way I choose to look at it was that the fetus was chromosonally (not consistant with life i think they call it ) not as it should be and that it was better for nature to take over than for the pregnancy to continue and me to have to have an abortion on medical grounds at a much later date which would be even more traumatic.

I personally wanted to try again and I am now 6 weeks pregnant. ( I waited until after my first period to ttc again so I that I felt ok hormonally.) But I can completly understand that you dont want to right now. Its your body and you have the right to choose if and when you try again or not.

Very best wishes
Take care x

Hi MG I'm so sorry you have suffered a loss. It's particularly hard when the positive test was so hard won in the first place. The medical establishment is terribly matter of fact about miscarriage, and to some extent it's true - it's common and there is nothing to be done about it, but it wouldn't hurt to acknowledge the emotional cost of going through it, and that to most women that pregnancy is a baby as soon as they see a line on a test.
I've had 4 miscarriages, and my advice is to allow yourself to grieve. It is a loss just as real as any other bereavement, even if it's not acknowledged as such by those who haven't experienced it. It's ok to feel sad, angry, jealous, depressed... don't try to squash down those emotions, and don't expect too much of yourself at the moment. It's also very helpful to have some form of rituals to help you work through the grief - for example butterfly's candle, other ideas include a special plant, memory box, piece of jewellery, release a balloon, write a letter, buy a charity gift. Having a safe space to rant really helps too!
If I've learnt anything through my experiences it's not to say "at least anything " to anyone currently suffering. There may be some positives in this, but you need to find them out for yourself in your own time. It must feel very raw right now and I'd suggest you don't make any decisions about whether to TTC again until you are feeling better. Most women who miscarry are fine 'next time' but you need to feel strong to put yourself in that vulnerable position again.

Oh bakingtins I am really sorry for your losses, thank you for the inspirational advice and I do light a candle for the baby each week. I will keep in mind the rituals take care xx

Butterflygirl1515 firstly I am sorry for your loss. Congratulations on your beautiful news. I ideally I want to wait until my cycle goes back to normal before TTC again but each day I feel different.

Thanks for the advice

Good luck with your new journey, take care xx

sorry for your loss MG and sorry you've had some insensitive comments.

I had a mc back in april (well it started in april, but was a fairly drawn out process to stop bleeding and get a negative test); we decided to wait until i'd had a normal period before we started ttc again as I didn't like the thought of the uncertainty of starting before AF appeared. I'm now in my second cycle ttc post-mc and I'm very glad i waited. i was quite freaked out last month when AF was ~2 days late, which made me realise I wasn't really quite ready/recovered. So i'd say take your time getting back to ttc, but everyone is different and some women prefer to get striaght back on the horse (so to speak).

with respect to coping, in my mind my foetus has a name which helped me say good bye. i wasn't terrible upset at the time - i'm a scientist and was/am quite accepting of the mc from a medical perspective i.e. the combination of genes could not sustain life; thinking of that actually helped me, but we all take it differently.
just make sure you look after yourself and dh.
good luck x

Many thanks 5hell sorry bout your MC. Good luck with your journey and TTC. I'm waiting patiently for AF 6 weeks this weekend.

Take care xx