Struggling to cope with loss at 21 weeks

[LolaStarr]

I lost my baby at 21 weeks 3 weeks ago. I'm hoping someone has been through a similar situation and can offer me some advice on how to cope, because I'm really struggling. I had a hard pregnancy right from the start; I had a big bleed at 10 weeks and found out id been pregnant with twins and lost one, but the remaining baby was healthy and growing well. The bleeding carried on because the extra amniotic sac didn't reabsorb as it should have, but I was in and out of hospital for growth scans every week or so, and everything was going fine. Then at 18 weeks I had to rush into hospital because the bleeding got heavy and didn't slow down, so they kept me in for observation. Two weeks later, on the Sunday night, I had a HUGE bleed, I passed out and had to be given oxygen and four units of blood. It seemed to ease off after that and we were cautiously optimistic everything was going to be ok. Unfortunately on the Tuesday night I had another big bleed and it set me off into premature labour, and I lost my beautiful boy on the Wednesday morning. We found out later a huge clot had formed behind the placenta, which had caused it to detach. I was on my own when he was born as no one had realised I was in labour, I'd had cramps on and off for a couple of weeks so we thought that's what was happening again. It's absolutely traumatised me, I can't stop thinking about it and I'm constantly crying. I'm being referred to a councillor by my GP, but in the meantime does anyone have any advice on how to deal with it? Sorry for the long post, it helps to get it all off my chest x

I also lost a baby in this way to a hematoma at 16 weeks. Hardest thing was that there really is no reason for it. I have survived, it's been hard but I have. I think allowing yourself time to grieve and a holiday/ break with your partner if you can afford it. It does get easier I promise x

No helpful advice, except to offer sympathy, what a terrible ordeal to have gone through, especially the last bit by yourself. I am struggling 2 months on from a much simpler pregnancy loss, I cannot imagine how you feel. I am so sorry.
Just the trauma of the medical side sounds awful.
I think with alot more time you will start to feel better, although obviously you will carry the loss always.
Be kind to yourself, remember you are grieving, let yourself cry and rage. I found reading poems and things that other parents had written was helpful, to just let out the raw emotion. Counselling sounds good, and remember to try and lok after yourself physically, try to eat proper meals , get outside every day, even when it seems pointless and you don't feel like it.

I'm sorry about your DS & your experience

I've found that time softens the trauma & looking to the future helps your mental health.
My DD died after a severe placenta abruption mid labour last July.. Also a clot behind my placenta but tested negative for thrombophilia..
Looking back now, I was just functioning in a state of shock for the first few weeks/months.. But I survived it. And you will too.

I started a blog to help me process my thoughts.. Maybe do something similar? A diary perhaps? Talking really does help so until you can get counselling (which I tried but wasn't for me) find an avenue to get the thoughts out of your head..

Also, for future ref, there's a brilliant thread for people who have lost babies and are TTC again (or waiting to try) In the conception topic.. All of the women there have different stories but are a great source of support.

The grief becomes less intense as time goes on - it doesn't help you now, but it can be comforting to know that you won't feel like this forever.. You will always love & remember your DS, the grief will fade but your love will remain the same

I am truly sorry for your loss .
I lost my dd at 20 weeks at the beginning of February. It has been the most distressing and sad few months of my adult life. It has been truly life changing. I know that only time will ultimately help me come to terms with her death so I'm just trying to take one day at a time, one stage at a time. Give yourself time to get over the shock and to grieve. My thoughts are with you. Xxx

I lost my dd2 at 22 weeks. Different circumstances, we had a tfmr after a diagnosis of Edwards.

Did the hospital do a memory box with prints and photos for you? This was, and still is, some comfort to me. We had a service which also helped a little.

I am having specialist counselling which has helped.

Do you have the details of your local sands group? They are usually really good. I've had a lot of support from arc but I'm not sure they are relevant for your circumstances.

Most of all I have learnt to try and be kind to myself, I no longer tell myself I should or shouldn't be doing or feeling something. I let myself feel whatever strange emotion arises.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is absolutely the worst thing.n

I'm so sorry, the whole thing sounds absolutely awful. My heart goes out to you.

My world shattered last year when we were told at our 20 week scan that our baby was suffering from health complications which would severely affect our precious baby’s quality of life. We made the heart-breaking decision to terminate the pregnancy. The ordeal was awful, but not in comparison to the challenge of coming to terms with the turn of events. We had to rebuild ourselves after the overwhelming sadness and grief. It seemed like emptiness engulfed our lives and hearts.

I think I blocked out the labour in order to cope. Perhaps you will too. I saw a therapist. I took time off work and took each day as it came.
I also wrote this blog to help me through it all. But I must warn you that I have since had a baby so if that makes it too sad to read then don't. www.wakeupsurvivesleep.com.

There is of course nothing I can say that will take away the horrific pain you are feeling. All I can tell you is that it will get better. It's impossible to imagine now but it will. I truly believe that while the pain will never completely go, it won't be so raw or all consuming.

Thinking of you xx