struggling to get over miscarraige

[Blanchett]

Hi there, I'm new to Mumsnet. I've been on the site looking for advice after my second miscarraige.( at 12 weeks) I'm 38 and can't help feeling that time is running out. My DS is 6 and I keep getting a sinking feeling that he will never have a sibling to play with as the age gap gets wider and wider. How have others coped? I'm feeling now that my husband is fed up of me getting upset and I get the feeling from others that it's like I've had enough time to get over it now, I should really suck it up and get on with things. It didn't help that the MC was traumatic too and happened at home. I think seeing it really brought it home to me that it was an actual baby. The worst thing is anything can set me off like tonight a pic on Facebook of my sisters two kids together. This is the bit that hurst the most seeing other kids with siblings. How do you get over this and move on?

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for your losses. You sound like me 2 1/2 years ago. The first thing to ask is whether you're receiving any medical support for this? And I don't mean an NHS leaflet on miscarriage. The conception boards are a wealth of advice for recurrent miscarriages but basically you need to ask to be referred to a specialist for high risk pregnancies if you decide to TTC again.

I promise you that no-one else is thinking you should be over it, these are thoughts we impose on ourselves to minimise our right to feel awful at our bereavement and sense of failure. Have you been offered counselling? It might be a good idea.

I don't have any wonderful advice about dealing with the despair, grief and guilt. I have an only DS of 4.5 and a string of failed IVF and miscarriages. DS craves company and I arrange as many playdates as possible for him, but bottom line is he's usually alone in the back seat of the car and the only kid at the kitchen table. To him it's normal and perfectly good fun, it's me that feels constantly as though I've let him down. I can tell you that time does help. Losing a baby is something that never leaves you, but the pain does become more manageable.

I hope you're being kind to yourself and giving yourself what you need to heal, physically and mentally, for the sake of yourself and your DS.

thanks so much for your thoughtful message and so sorry for your losses too. I think you hit the nail on the head with what you've said about the only kid in the back of the car. It just always feels so quiet, and I wanted that loud boisterous upbringing I had with two siblings. I obsess about playdates to the point where I am literally scheduling things to do all weekend. I think you're right, my son is fine as he hasn't know any different, but I always feel for him.
I've got referred now because of my age so hopefully the extra support will help.
thanks for your kind words and I hope you see some light at the end of the tunnel too.

Good luck Blanchett. I'm glad you've been referred. I really would get as much info as you can before your appointment - Fertility Friends is another good source - and go in with a list of questions you want answered. it's worth pressing for as many assessments as possibly upfront, and not settling for the NHS top-down approach of waiting for the smallest intervention to fail (ie another miscarriage) before stepping up investigations. You might not get that of course, and I hope you get an ace specialist, but fore-warned is forearmed!

I know just what you mean about the quiet. I wanted a hullaballoo of rampaging kids, not one little boy pleading with me 'but when can you play with me Mummy?' We're going for adoption now which might be our path to our next child, and I really wish you all the best with yours.