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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Returning to work

14 replies

Enelya · 12/03/2015 22:07

Hi, I was wondering if anyone could share their stories and any hints/tips for returning to work following a mc.

I was 12 weeks, will probably end up taking a week off. A few people at work knew I was expecting, so will or already have told them the truth, but wondered what other people told people who didn't know. Do I just go bright and breezy and brush it off as a horrible virus and hope no one enquires further ( and hope I don't cry when telling people I'm better now?)

Sorry for the trivial enquiry but this is really starting to prey on my mind!

OP posts:

cremeeggboycotter · 13/03/2015 09:12

I don't think it's trivia Enelya, but then I'm going to return to work next week after a mmc and I'm getting anxious about it too.

I have no idea what I'm going to do, only a couple knew and I'm having meetings with them but as for everyone else I just don't know. It doesn't help that people (not the ones who knew) keep asking when I'll be having a baby or if I'm pregnant. I think I'm going to go with 'mind your own business ' for those questions.

In regards to those you work directly with, would you prefer if they knew?My friend had two miscarriages and told just a couple of us first time and was very open about it the second. The first time she couldn't cope with the comments which meant well but were the very wrong things to say from some friends so she certainly didn't want to risk at work. The second time, she was surprised how great her workmates were and found a couple of them had also had similar sad experiences which meant she could talk to them and didn't get stupid comments.

I'd like to be honest when I go back, if not for anything then to shut up the comments, but how do you do that? I couldn't even get the words out to friends.

Are you ready to go back to work? If you're worried about just needing moment away especially if you get upset or triggered, could you ask HR or occupational health if there's anywhere you could go in advance? Could you even work from home if you needed to? I know from friends experiences that work can be a great distraction, mind numbing experience or exhausting stress- I don't think people know until they go back. When you have your return to work meeting, do you feel comfortable talking to your manager about all this?

gingerbreadmam · 13/03/2015 09:17

enelya so sorry to hear your sad news. hope u r ok.

i had an mmc last year and had 3 weeks off then returned to work (whilst still waiting to mc). i work in a small team of 8 people so just told them. i am not usually off so as i haf had 3 weeks off i know people will have been curious.

also i wasnt in a good way when i returned and i felt it easier if people knew why.

it is upto you though, it is an awful thing to go to and you will be surprised the support you received.

fwiw a week isnt very long, are you ok to return? the gp will have no problem signing you off longer if you need it

QueenAngst · 13/03/2015 10:00

So sorry - it's a very sad time.
for my first MMC (9weeks) I took a week off. I was glad to get back to work and be normal.
For this late MC, I'm taking a month off. Work can wait. I need to get into a place where I can cope with being normal and reading and following a document! I have a Drs note and work are being very understanding. I
Don't feel guilty for taking time off. You've been through a physical and emotional hardship. Your work should recognise this x

QueenAngst · 13/03/2015 10:03

In response to your who to tell question, after my MMC I found myself telling my boss, my immediate team and a few others I was close with. No one else asked the specifics and I didn't offer them. I found it all much easier to bear knowing that my team were aware. The stress of a 'secret' would have pushed me over the edge x

Original poster

Enelya · 13/03/2015 10:23

Thanks everyone

My manager knows, and is v supportive. The pressure to go back is coming for me not work! I am having a hard time coming to terms with how physically impacted I am. When I was discharged on Tuesday I honestly thought I'd be back at work Thursday or Friday. I guess that is the shock aspect, I was admitted via A&E so all very dramatic :(

I think I will call in today and say I will make the decision on Mon about Tuesday (I do a 4 day week). I will take the extra week if I need it without beating myself up. I'm sure work rather would wait and have me back functioning.

I tend to be v open about things, but so far have not 'told' anyone face to face it has all been via text. I have some good friends visiting at the weekend, so will see how I get on with them.

OP posts:

gingerbreadmam · 13/03/2015 10:32

i let my line manager share the news with my team so i didnt have to do it then the ball was kind of in my court if i wanted to talk about it or not but everyone was so lovely to me when i returned i was just glad they were aware (my office is a funny place where people get a bee in their bonnet when people r off ill).

you will know whether you will find it easier at work or not. i rushed back really (my mmc was complicated and long) and at work i had too much thinking time. when it was quiet my mind would drift. i was actually better at home.

you could always try it and see, i ended up going off again because of a physical complication with mmc but emotionally it was the best thing i could have done.

Original poster

Enelya · 13/03/2015 10:44

Just had a good chat with my boss, and even just him saying it's ok for me to take another week or work short days makes me feel much better.

That said the effort of doing that has made me feel like taking a nap, so time to start listening to everyone and stop pushing myself.

We all manage our own work, so other than my boss I'm not really putting anyone out by taking extra time off. Any questions I get will be from concern not grumpiness.

OP posts:

gingerbreadmam · 13/03/2015 10:52

oh well that's really good he is supportive should make the decision easier for you.

have a nap and take care i hope u r ok. there is lots of support on the mc boards on here if you need it

pocketsized · 13/03/2015 11:26

I asked my manager to tell people who knew I was pregnant, and for those that didn't I chose to tell them I'd had a bereavement, which I felt gave me the option to give more detail later if I wanted to.

mrsdiddlydoo · 13/03/2015 13:17

There's no right or wrong amount of time to take off after a mc enelya. Some ladies like to go back quickly because they find it helpful to keep busy, whereas others need more time. You have to do what's right for you. And don't rush. It helps having a supportive manager. And your gp will sign you off if you need longer. I took a week off after my first mc and 3 weeks after my second followed by 2 further weeks working half days which my gp and boss both suggested. Only my manager and close colleagues know why I was off. It can be helpful people knowing, but I'm private at work. Depends on your relationship with colleagues.

Brummiegirl15 · 13/03/2015 13:36

Enelya and everyone else, am so sorry for your loss.

I've had 3 mc's in past 10 months. I had 1 week off for mc 1, 2 weeks off for mc 2 and 4 weeks off plus 2 weeks on half days for mc3. The reason I was off so long for number 3 is that having 3 so close together I basically fell apart plus my colleague who sits next to me is pregnant and my first due date was around that time. There was no way I was going to go in before I was ready.

As for who knew, my whole team knew. They found out after mc 1, with 2 and 3 they knew when I was off. And there were (and still are as it was only January I had last one) so lovely and supportive.

Take as long as you need

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 13/03/2015 13:46

I'm sorry for your loss.

I had a mmc last year at 14 weeks and ended up taking 8 weeks off. Physically I was ok just very tired, emotionally I was a wreck, I'm a nanny so struggled with going back to work and looking after someone elses babies and also because I was passed 12 weeks pretty much everyone at the school knew so the thought of doing the school run and everyone knowing was something I struggled to deal with for awhile. In the end I did half days for a week and did the school run with my boss who fielded questions and condolences from everyone.

There isn't a right amount of time to grieve so do what feels right for you.

jimijack · 13/03/2015 13:49

I agree that it varies from person to person.
I've had loads of miscarriages, the first 2/3 I had 2-3 weeks off, told one or two and the news spread. I didn't need to tell anyone else.
The last 4 I had a miscarriage on the Thursday or Friday, discharged from hospital the next day, then back to work on the Monday.

I got back to normal very quickly, but I needed to for my own recovery.

Horses for courses.

babyangelbean20315 · 14/03/2015 18:10

I think u need to do what's best for you, tell who u feel comfortable to twlll and don't tell people ur not, most of my work knew because of morning sickness and then I was gone for like 6 months on n off n very emotional at times

I believe that people knowing makes things a lot easier
if u wanna talk to someone u can and tbh that helped me so much

Take whatever time u need off and whoever u wanna talk to talk to! U need to look after yourself

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