Best Friends are not 'there for us'

[finkpink83]

I miscarried on Tuesday at 8w's 1d following a planned pregnancy. My Husband and I are heartbroken and struggling to come to terms with our loss. All our family and friends have been very supportive and have been sending texts and flowers to let us know they are there for us if we need them. My Mum came round for the day yesterday which really helped both my Husband and I am it was nice to see someone else outside of our 'grief bubble'.

Because of my Mums visit being a breath of fresh air for us, we thought it would be nice to see our two closest friends, my brother and my best friend K. They happen to live together platonically and have not been getting on recently. They have both previously sent messages of support and said they are there for us anytime we need them. The responses to our invitation were as follows:
K: 'I have a date that afternoon but could make it later in the evening. You should know though that your brother and I have had an argument and are not speaking.'
My brother: 'Really depends what time, I'm working in morning and might have plans in the evening'.

I am so upset by their responses. The fact they have said they are 'there for us anytime' to both myself and my Husband is complete crap.

Has anyone else had issues like this after a miscarriage? How did it end? Because of how devastated we are which has been met with their complete apathy I feel like I want to cut all contact.

Hi OP.

Sorry to hear your news and sorry you have been further upset. Do either of them have children? If not, I think they may be underestimating how upset you are. I imagine you can't think if anything else, but they won't understand that. They haven't said they can't see you but have said when they can. They have said they are there for you but probably need you to instigate the talk about your miscarriage.

It wasn't until my SIL miscarried at the same stage of you that I had any idea of the impact it has.

I don't know them but they probably don't understand how all -encompassing this will be for you. Plus texts are short so can often sound less pleasant than they really are.

Sorry again and hope you and DH can take care of each other.

And when you do see the other two just explain how you are feeling.

Hi CheshireSplat,

Thanks for your reply. Neither of them have children.

I feel like my relationships with them are very one-sided. Both DH and I have had to provide them with huge amounts of emotional support in the past.

I will take your advice about trying to explain how I am feeling when I see them again, but I am not sure right now when that is likely to be.

Fink, don't worry about taking my advice. Don't worry about anything apart from looking after yourself and DH.

Yes. I miscarried officially at the weekend but it was a MMC. Lots of friends - I've been very open about it have been wonderful. My supposed best friend is nowhere to be seen and all of a sudden lost the ability to operate her phone. I'm really not arsed. I've lost my baby, she can take a running jump. She was crap before, I'm not surprised she hasn't risen to the occasion here. Things like this seem to deepen relationships or prove the straw that breaks the camels back.

I am sorry for your loss. Much love to you and DH.

Thanks for you reply Stoatystoat, I am sorry for your loss.

I understand that some people find it very difficult to talk about and are scared of being around grieving people.

My DH had another text from K which said 'Your Brother (in law) has told me that you are upset with me, I am sorry you feel that way.' I know things can be lost in translation when texting, but she is sorry for how we feel? Not for her actions?
That text was sent on Sunday and neither of us have contacted her since.

Like you I can't be arsed. We are going through what is probably the worse time of our lives and we need compassion and support. Not more shit from people who claim to care about us.

I am not sure whether you have seen it but there is a leaflet produced by the Miscarriage Association which is quite useful for people who know someone who is going though a miscarriage: www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/wp/wp-content/leaflets/Someone-You-Know.pdf

I sent a copy to my Brother and since then he has been much more supportive, he has apologised for his behaviour and said that he had no idea what was involved or how traumatic an event it is. I wish miscarriage wasn't such a taboo subject and people had more awareness of it.

Take care and look after yourself. x

It is very taboo. I'm sure I'm pissing people off but I've broadcast it on Facebook partly because I hate how shrouded in secrecy it is.

Are you getting much other support? I have phoned the miscarriage association helpline a couple of times just to talk and I have counselling this week too.

Sadly some people just don't get it. And they are not necessarily who you thought it would be

Your friend is one of those that does not get it. I am sorry. Glad your brother has opened his mind a bit.

If you need to talk, please PM me, it's a very difficult time. The one thing I have learned is that the kindness of strangers can be a wonderful thing.

I think there is probably very little if any malicious intent in their behaviour. Firstly, they have no clue. My own bloody husband didn't show up at the hospital when I had a D&C. He was primarily worried about whether I'd be able to drive after anaesthetics. Once that was declared ok by the Dr, an irrelevant work meeting took precedence. I told him he needed to be there and that work should come second, but he was just clueless. It was only when I sobbed and sobbed later on that it dawned on him how bad it was.

And then, people are often ill at ease with death and illness. Some people are not able to cope with it.

If possible, don't cloud your mind further by being upset by the lack of support from a few people. In times like these, support can often come from unexpected corners. Just try and focus on dealing with the loss of your unborn child.

I wish you strength with that one. I'm still trying to figure it out.

Xx

I'm sorry for your loss and sorry that you're having to deal with this too.

I miscarried around the same point as you following IVF treatment a few months ago. DP and I were devastated. We have one older child and I have lots of 'mum' friends who are mostly pregnant again or have already have a second child. It's so hard. I've learned that even if people already have children, or are even pregnant at the time, they can be very uncaring and thoughtless in how they respond to the news of someone's miscarriage. We were reasonably open with family and friends about what happened, in the hope that they would offer support and concern, as well as so they could try to avoid saying 'the wrong thing', which they might if they didn't know what had happened. There were such a range of responses. Aside from an inital text to say 'sorry to hear the news', the vast majority haven't mentioned it since, even though we've seen them a few times since then. But I've been told all about other people's new arrivals and pregnancy news and asked whether I've been to see such-and-such's new baby (just weeks after my miscarriage)! Some friends and relatives have totally ignored the news, as in I let them know what happened by text or via other people (and I know that they definitely know IYSWIM) and yet I've heard nothing from them on the matter.

I've been thoroughly disappointed by the reaction of most people and can only attribute it to a combination of ignorance, disinterest, lack of empathy and awkwardness. It has totally changed my view of some people (eg my NCT group, who I thought were a pretty decent and supportive group until now) and some of my family (who are frankly just self-obsessed and pathetic) and has made me vow not to be so open in future, for better or worse!

I really value the handful of people I've told and who have responded sensitively and thoughtfully.

I understand what you mean about close people not being there for you. Thank goodness for your mum.

I've had lot's of mcs unfortunately have had little/no help or support from family or friends.

The lowest points have meant me having miscarriages in hospital alone as dh had to stay home to care for our older child as we had no one willing to come & look after him so dh could be with me. That happened in 5 of my 7 miscarriages. The others have been at home.

I saw no one immediately after coming home until I went back to work the following week ( I got back to "normal" within a week of mc.)

I took pain killers in order to pick my little ds up from school, no one came near.

I didn't fall out with anyone, life just carries on. People who have no insight or experience of MC just don't know.

Before I had a mc I imagined it would be one of the worst things in the world, and it is! Therefore when I went through my first mc I expected people, especially those closest, to acknowledge it as one of the worst things that has happened to me, but sadly not.

I think most people just don't get how horrific it is unless they have been through it themselves. After my second mc I didn't expect the same level of support. However my oldest best friend (who lives in nz) was amazing the first time, texting daily to see how I was and even asking my other friends close by to check in on me as she was so worried. But this time (perhaps because I said I was dealing with it better as it happened earlier) she has been shit in comparison, far too busy at work and I have had a handful or txts in the couple of months since the last mc.

It really is horrible having to also deal with shit people who should be helping us when were trying to come to terms with losing out babies.

As inamay says, there are a number of reasons why people are shit and I also think it's a combination.

So sorry for everyone's losses, it is truly shit. I will post a link to a blog about mc in a sec that may be good to send to shit people to help them realise how awful mc is.

jimijack my heart goes out to you for having to go through this hell 7 times.

X

This blog is amazing...
thingsaboutmiscarriage.wordpress.com