Feeling so sad

[annaleoniepeanutjones]

Hi all am new to this. I'm totally upset need soneone to talk to.
I lost my gorgeous daughter in september. She was born sleeping with wings. I was over due by week and a day. I'm totally heartbroken and don't know what to do with myself.
I am currently in the middle of a miscarriage aswell. I am 29 and I had a miscarriage when I was 21 with twins too. Both these miscarriages was around 7 weeks. I can't talk to my partner because he doesn't like to talk about the losses that we've had. Says 'come on, don't think about it' and then changes the subject.
I can't talk to family because they try to cheer me up. Which is very nice. But I feel like I need to talk about the babies that I've lost. Our daughter was called Leonie and we named the little ones peanut because that's what we think they look like at that stage.
People always say to me -
It's okay, don't be sad, cheer up, have another, the babies wouldn't want to see mummy sad, eat something, go somewhere, least you had time with leonie ( we was able to take her home for 2 days on a cold cot, which was donated by Sands charity ) best thing ever because we got memories and lots of photos and print of her before she was taken to Doves.
I blame myself, even though everyone says its not my fault. But I can't help but blame myself everyday and I will till we meet again. I dont know if I'm depressed or just really really sad.
My cousin is going through a pregnancy too and my auntie keeps bragging about her. Yes they're happy but I'm breaking here.
My sister in law had her baby in December. I can't bare to hold him because I feel like the last time I held a baby was leonie. So I don't want to hold another baby. I want to be with her so much. I'm so so sad I need my darling daughter. I have always wanted a little girl to do mummy daughter days with. Now it's all been taken away. Then I think I'm okay ( ish ) and get pregnant. ( we wasn't trying, it was a 'if it happens, it happens' ) then that gets taken away too. Rahhhhh !! How can I go on!!

Sorry everyone for rambling.

So sorry - what an awful time you've had, and of course you want to talk about Leonie. How lovely that you were able to take her home, so that she could be with you and your family, although sadly for such a short time.

Have you been offered any counselling through your GP or anyone?

Hi thank you ajandjjmum for replying. It's nice to read that someone has written her name and said it too. Yeah was lovely to have leonie in her Moses basket and for leonie to see all her things that everyone got her. Now we have things that smell of her too. Which I've kept in a closed box so I can smell and remind of memories years to come. I was having counselling. But I felt like the doctor didn't want to talk about leonie either. Just me. Which I suppose is right to some point. Maybe! Don't know! But told me I needed assertive classes. Which made me think. ( WTF ) what's that got to do with being upset over my beautiful angels. Totally confused with everyday life. I feel like I don't have a purpose. -_- ??
Thank you again for replying xx

I'm so sorry. It is so shit that some people are put through so much sadness. I have never had a late loss or stillbirth (can only imagine how terrible that is) but I've had 4 first trimester miscarriages and each one compounded the grief of the others. I think a lot of British people are ill equipped to cope with friends or family members being anything other than 'fine' but you need a safe place to talk about Leonie and how you are really feeling. Can SANDS offer you any specialist counselling?

Hi. Thank you bakingtins for taking time to reply. Yeah it is. All have the Unanswered questions of 'WHY?' 'WHY US?' I have read loads of these forums and wanted to join one but never have done till now. I feel like there's a lot of other mums going through sleeping babies, miscarriages etc..and I read the replies and think maybe it would be nice to talk to others in the same boat as me. They do have afternoon sessions that I can attend. But not plucked up the courage to go to any yet. I have a package with all the SANDS information on too but again can't read the title without bursting into tears. How are you? My first miscarriage was so painful. This one is so different. If the doctor hadn't of told me I would just assume I was having a period. Of course I knew I was pregnant so I knew. But you know what I mean. How have yours been? If you don't mind me asking. You don't have to answer. Thanks again for replying ??xx

I'm so sorry for the loss of Leonie - you must be absolutely heartbroken.

Again I've never suffered with stillbirth but I've had 3 first trimester miscarriages and I still feel like my heart is breaking.

There is lots of help out there - I know how hollow the advice of well meaning people can be and it doesn't help. But I'm finding professional counselling to help.

The mc boards on here are wonderfully supportive and feel free to talk about whatever you want. Often just writing things down can be incredibly comforting

I'm so sorry xx

Thank you brummiegirl15. Thank you for mentioning Leonies name. I might give counselling another go. See what happens this time. No harm in trying ay. You're finding it's helping? Yes the boards are helpful I agree thank you. Writing to you and the other ladies is supportive because talking about Leonie and everything I think helps a little. I love mentioning Leonie. Although it breaks my heart, I love hearing her name. Thank you again for taking time to reply. xx

It is such a pretty name. Have you let your friends know that you want to talk - maybe people are worried about upsetting you?

Oh, how terribly heart breaking for you.
Leonie sounds perfect and what a beautiful name you chose.

I have seen fantastic amounts of support on here so please do feel like you can talk about her here as much as you would like to.

I just wanted to say that you sound incredibly strong and understanding, particularly of the people around you who may not be saying the right thing.

I have no experience or advice but am really thinking of you.

Hi Anna, I'm so sorry to read your darling daughter Leonie died and for your little peanuts too. I have walked this road after my precious baby boy Adam died at 38+4 in July 2012 exactly five days before my planned c-section. It's a terribly long road but your not alone. I used to frequent a thread on here in the early days and met a wonderful group of women who dragged me through some very dark days. The thread is still going and there are new ladies on there now all at similar stages to you....it's called Angels and Rainbows you will find the thread on the conception boards of the forum.

Thinking of you, I'm so sorry for your losses

Thank you again ajandjjmum. The name fitted Leonie fitted Her so well. Love her so much. I don't have any friends. My best friend who I was friends with for 10 years. Stopped talking to me and visiting me whilst I was pregnant for some reason and hasn't contacted me since. -_- yeah I do think that. It's hard :( xx

Thank you allstoppedup.
Thank you it's suits a beautiful girl. ??
Awww that means a lot to know that thank you. I like to talk on here it helps. Well think it does. I dunno. -_- im so confused. Thank you. I don't think I am. im a mess I want to run away. But I know it won't help. I don't want to be here. Thank you for thinking of me. Helps a lot

Wow thank you babyh200 thank you.

I'm sorry for your loss too. Would you mind me asking why? You don't have to answer if you don't want too.

I know you said the forum helped you through it. But how did you cope???

I can't do this. It's too hard. Thank you again for the help and the forum.
I'll give it a go.

Thinking of you too