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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

The "shame" of miscarriage

11 replies

Daisychain1974 · 05/02/2015 21:59

I've just had a second miscarriage. The first was at 12 weeks and this one last week was a ruptured ectopic. I almost died and lost a Fallopian tube in surgery.

I'm finding it a struggle to get over. I have a beautiful 5 yo daughter but hoped to produce a sibling. I get constant comments from other mums, random strangers and friends about when I will have another (like it's just a case of popping to the shops for one) and the constant criticism of how "awful" it will be for my daughter to be an only child and "what a shame" or "it's selfish to only have one" and other such words of wisdom I get weekly (unsolicited!) does not help. There are no other only child families at all my daughters school. In fact I don't know of any amongst friends or where I live.

For some reason my biggest emotion after this latest horrific event is shame and I'd like to know if others have felt this after a miscarriage? I feel embarrassed I can't pop out kids like all the other mums at the school gates, I feel ashamed my body is useless and now, at 40 after 4 years of trying, I have to give up as my fertility is further reduced and my risk of future ectopics is now too high for me to risk. I feel too embarrassed to even tell my three siblings (who have two kids each), let alone friends, what happened to me and just feel for some reason inadequate and isolated. It's an odd place to be. I appreciate and love my daughter v v much but that doesn't stop me grieving for the ones I have lost and the end now of my fertility.

Does anyone understand where I am please?

OP posts:

Cinnamon84 · 05/02/2015 22:23

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you've had such a traumatic time. I completely understand the feelings of shame. I've just had a miscarriage which was my first pregnancy. Still feeling terrible about it and not sure when I will start feeling more normal. Lots of my friends have a baby/are pregnant and make it look like it was the easiest most natural thing in the world, I feel like I tried and completely failed. I know miscarriage is common but can't help feeling this way. Sorry to not have any positive words to contribute just wanted to say I know how you feel. I'm hoping this will ease with time. I hope you start to feel better soon xx

Flower29 · 06/02/2015 13:20

Hi daisy, so sorry for what you've been through. I've also just had a 2nd mc at 7 wks (my first was MMC at 12 wks in sep) and I also have an 18mth old son. After the first I was devastated and got a bit depressed but never felt this 'embarrassed' feeling I have felt after my mc2. I actually wanted to talk about it with everyone.
Now tho I don't want to talk about it, apart from a few close friends who helped me last time. I have a few family members who are having their 1st, 2nds and 4th and can't even bear to face them yet.
I know it is silly as mc can happen to anyone and usually there is no reason for it but I do feel a bit like a failure when many others seem to manage perfectly fine.
It must be awful having to listen to those stupid comments from people!
Has your Dr advised against trying again?
Take care x

Only1scoop · 06/02/2015 13:28

Daisy I'm so so sorry

I can totally relate....I'm now 42 with a 4 year old. 2 MMC in last year one being at 17 weeks. Please don't take the only child comments to heart. Some people come out with this kind of crap at the most awkward times.

I'm attempting to draw a line under further attempts now and am almost there.

I'm so sorry for all you are experiencing.

Virtual hand hold.

Original poster

Daisychain1974 · 06/02/2015 15:14

Thank you and likewise I'm sorry to hear how you all feel too and what you are going through.

No the doc hasn't advised against it but I know my odds of actually conceiving have shortened even further as it took 4 years to fall pregnant (and miscarry) twice and one Fallopian tube will reduce those odds further and the ectopic was the most terrifying experience of my life.

Ah, it all sucks quite frankly, feeling like this

OP posts:

CMOTDibbler · 06/02/2015 15:31

I'm so sorry for your losses. I had three miscarriages before I had my ds (who is an only as we decided that after 3mc and his prem birth we couldn't do it all again), and I've been very open about them.

I used a very matter of fact 'we lost three babies before ds, so thats quite enough heartache' shut the comments up nicely when people started on the only child track. Now ds is 8 no one asks anymore, and we know quite a lot of single child families.

But give yourself some time to grieve for what you thought you'd have, and for what has happened. I think theres a MC association leaflet on 'when you decide to stop' which may be useful

Brummiegirl15 · 06/02/2015 15:40

Daisy I am so so sorry for your losses.

I've just experienced my 3rd miscarriage and I've go no kids. My first was in May at 5 weeks and 2nd in August at 9 weeks.

I don't feel embarrassed as such in that like Flower I want to talk about it and grieve for the babies I've lost. But I've realised life goes on and it seems I'm alone in wanting to talk.

However I do feel like a failure and it's agony. One of my close friends is pregnant and she's 4 months younger than me (I'm 38) and my colleague who sits opposite me is pregnant too.

And all I can think is why did their babies survive and mine didn't? What is wrong with me that I can't do what nature intended and carry a baby?

I feel resentful and very bitter and incredibly sad and pretty much get told that pregnant women have it hard too and that I need to get used to seeing pregnant women.

Oh fuck off is how I want to answer. And feel free to say that to other people. The size of someone else's family is no one else's business. All that matters is that a child is loved, warm and has a full tummy. The number of siblings don't matter. Please don't beat yourself up, you have suffered enough.

If you decide to try again, then both Flower and I are on the recurrent mc thread and it's great support. Lots of ladies all feeling the same.

Big hugs xx

InternetFOREVER · 06/02/2015 15:40

So sorry you've been through this, its very early days post-ectopic and I'd imagine you're still feeling pretty hormonal/ rough.
I've been open about my MCs with anyone who raises the subject, so haven't experienced any of the criticism you've received. Does it help at all to know that they're totally wrong about your DD losing out by being an only - actually, research has shown that only children have higher self-esteem and self-confidence (probably because they never experience feeling second best to a siblings needs). We haven't given up on trying again, although as time goes by I have realised that this is for my own (selfish!) reasons and not because DS is in any way missing out. If we do end up having a second baby I can imagine that I'll feel incredibly guilty when I don't have so much time for DS anymore.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble... just to say you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about, and your family sounds perfect as it is

Brummiegirl15 · 06/02/2015 15:43

And actually if you did decide you can't go through it again - we are all there for a chat and support anyway so feel free to join us.

I feel eventually if we ever get our little one, I doubt we'd have another. After 3 mc's I'm not sure how much more I can go through

tobysmum77 · 08/02/2015 08:09

No real experience sorry for your
loss . I honestly cannot believe though how rude people are, I know several, happy 1 child families. What utterly vile comments.

CheekyWeeGandT · 08/02/2015 08:27

Am so so sorry to read about your experience, OP. Really feel for you that you have feelings of shame to add to your burden. Absolutely nothing to feel shame about, though you probably know that.
I have no experience of miscarriage but also have a single child. I had him late and was desperate to start trying for a sibling for him almost as soon as he was born because of my age. Then discovered partner was cheating and lying on epic scale and now a single parent. So there will be more.
I don't feel bad about it, though, because of the circumstances. That's just the hand I've been dealt and I'm really lucky to have one. There are lots and lots of very happy single children families.
At the moment, though, you are grieving for the family you hoped to have.

Amaxapax · 08/02/2015 10:09

I can very much relate to the embarrassment you describe. I found out I had a molar pregnancy when I was eight weeks, which happened to coincide with several people announcing their first pregnancies, some of them very close friends/family. I felt very ashamed of my body, like I was the only one who couldn't do it properly, especially because I hadn't even managed to actually create a baby. The feelings were exacerbated by lots of talk about all the things you can't possibly understand until you've been pregnant/had a baby. It's a horrible feeling.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

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