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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

no acknowledgment of miscarriage from relative

20 replies

inconceivableme · 30/01/2015 13:38

Can I ask how you'd feel if Relative A knew about your miscarriage and asked if they could make Relative B aware if what's happened, and you agreed but then Relative B made no mention of it to you. Neither live nearby so any acknowledgment of it would have to have been by phone, letter, email or text. I feel pretty annoyed and upset.

OP posts:

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 30/01/2015 13:40

I'm sorry for your loss.
I am not trying to make excuses just an observation that people sometimes don't know what to say so take the seemingly cowardly option of saying nothing.
I hope that you have some support and people that you can talk about it with

SoupDragon · 30/01/2015 13:40

Why didn't you tell Relative B? TBH if you hadn't told me personally, I probably wouldn't mention it thinking that there was a reason you hadn't told me (eg didn't want to talk about it but wanted people to be aware, that kind of thing.)

SoupDragon · 30/01/2015 13:41

And sorry for your loss. Your emotions are likely to be all over the place.

treaclesoda · 30/01/2015 13:43

If I was your relative and you didn't tell me about it yourself, I would assume that you didn't want to discuss it, and therefore I wouldn't mention it to you.

I am very sorry for your loss though.

notongoogle · 30/01/2015 13:44

Depends how close to you they are, and also to some extent on their age/generation.

I think many people, but particularly my parents' generation (65+) who grew up when miscarriages weren't really discussed, just wouldn't know what to say, or might think that saying anything would just upset you further.

RainbowFlutterby · 30/01/2015 13:45

It's possible that RelativeB doesn't actually know yet.

KittyandTeal · 30/01/2015 13:45

I'm not sure I'd be pretty pissed I think.

I recently had a tmfr at 22 weeks. Heartbreaking. All my friends and family have reeled around us. My bil has not mentioned it al all, not even a 'so sorry, thinking of you' text. We asked pil to explain things to him a steeling lots of people is really hard.

I'm pissed that he's not even acknowledged it or our little girl.

I understand why you're annoyed.

Original poster

inconceivableme · 30/01/2015 13:50

Relative A is my sister. Relative B is her adult daughter. I didn't tell Relative B personally as Relative A had already asked they were able to tell them, and I'd agreed. The conversation would therefore have been something like 'inconceivable has had a miscarriage. I asked her if I could tell you and she said I could.'

I am feeling raw as Relative B has just been in touch to ask me to delete a comment I made on my Facebook yesterday on an article by the Miscarriage Association in case a pregnant mutual friend sees it and becomes upset by it. My first response was to think ' What a shame you couldn't have contacted me as quickly to say 'sorry to hear about your miscarriage'. Petty maybe, but that's how I feel!

OP posts:

Original poster

inconceivableme · 30/01/2015 13:51

Relative B definitely knows.

OP posts:

Original poster

inconceivableme · 30/01/2015 13:52

Kitty, I agree. I'm sorry for your loss.

OP posts:

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 30/01/2015 14:03

In that situation id be upset too OP.

ToriB34 · 30/01/2015 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProbablyMe · 30/01/2015 15:05

You have my sympathy. We had a late miscarriage and delivered our baby last weekend and by and large it's been ignored. I don't have many friends tbh and my parents have been round but apart from not a lot. My DP is clearly very upset but his family haven't said a lot - his sister had a mmc a few months ago Ns the whole family rallied round her but he's had very little and I'm very annoyed on his behalf. His mum called the other night and briefly covered the subject followed by wittering on about other silly stuff and brightly asking him if that was all his news then? I've had lots more support on MN than in RL and that is making me feel very sad.

SauvignonBlanche · 30/01/2015 15:09

It's very upsetting, BIL and SIL didn't say a word when I lost DS2 at 22 weeks.
I'm sure people just don't realise that saying nothing is the unkindest thing of all.

Twitterqueen · 30/01/2015 15:14

I think a miscarriage is really, really hard to deal with. Friends and relatives can't ask for details as they might do with a 'normal' death for example, and they can't ask about funerals or flowers. There just isn't any conversation you can have about it.

When I had one I didn't / couldn't talk about it and was actually very glad no-one mentioned it. But clearly you feed differently so i will say that I'm very, very sad for your loss. It must be very hard to deal with everyday life right now and that I understand you will miss your baby for some time to come.

Would you feel better if you dedicated a tree to the baby for example? And maybe sent a short note round to close relatives explaining what you were doing and asking if they wanted to donate?

Flower29 · 30/01/2015 17:50

I think it's very insensitive and rude rel B asking you to take your comment off fb when you are the one who's had to go through a mc. I have also been in the same position where I haven't received any acknowledgement of my mc from certain relatives and I find it quite hurtful.
I don't agree with the theory that people think they might upset you by mentioning it, a simple 'sorry for your loss' or 'thinking of you' surely isn't going to upset you compared to the actual loss of a baby. I think people (who you'd expect to get in touch that is) are cowards and possibly quite selfish.
You can probably tell that this situation is still quite raw with me. I've just miscarried for the 2nd time in 4 mths and so I have 2 reasons to be mad at certain people.
Sorry for your losses OP and other posters. x

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 30/01/2015 17:55

I hope that your reply made them think about your feelings in all this.

KittyandTeal · 30/01/2015 20:11

Wow that's even worse that they contacted you to remove a comment.

I'm not sure in my frame of mind I would have been able to stop myself sending a very terse response.

I've been very very open about my tfmr and my little girls death and birth. I'm very lucky and have received nothing but wonderful caring messages and support from friends and family, all except my pil and bil.

I cannot imagine how painful it is to go through this without that support or acknowledgement of your baby. I'm lucky that people talk to me about Rose and her birth, not just 'the situation' as my mil refers to it!

Brummiegirl15 · 31/01/2015 09:57

That is dreadful and she contacted you asking to remove the comment. Tell her to fuck off!!!

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've just gone back to work after my 3rd mc so I feel your pain.

Unfortunately my direct colleague is pregnant and she is very upset on my behalf about the situation and apparently she spoke to our Occu health about what to do.

The advice that was given to her about me was. "Do not ignore it - that's absolutely the worst thing that you can do"

I've been very open too about my miscarriages. I've not announced on fb (as my DP is more private than me and I respect that) but I've certainly alluded to it and if asked what's been wrong I am open.

Everyone grieves differently and neither is right or wrong. But miscarriage is a lonely isolating experience and no one talks about it and I refuse to hide my grief just because it might make some people uncomfortable.

Big hugs to you. And tell relative B to jog the fuck on

Complicatedfamily1 · 01/02/2015 19:37

So sad to hear of your recent loss. There's nothing worse than going through a loss like this, than having to do it unsupported by your family. I miscarried twins 5 days ago at 13 weeks. Neither stepdaughter (26 and 18) has bothered to contact me. It does seen that some families are absolutely blocked and unfeeling. In our case, both daughters stopped talking to us after we told them our 'happy news'. My MIL went mad and implied we were irresponsible bringing another child into this world and said that she'd rather die.

All I can think is that some family lines have some god awful karma and their unresolved issues get projected onto to the easiest target.

I hope you are able to find support and love from heart centred people around you. Much love and continued healing x

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