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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Our baby was born today

44 replies

ProbablyMe · 25/01/2015 19:03

Our beautiful, tiny baby Rowan was born at 12.48pm today after a mercifully short and peaceful labour where the sun shone in the window at the end. We only had you for just under 16 weeks but we will love you for a lifetime. Leaving the hospital without was the hardest thing I will ever do.

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KittyandTeal · 26/01/2015 16:41

I can totally relate to the feeling guilty.

We're a few days on from you. My first couple of days were totally soul destroying.

I'm not sure what your story is but for us we found out a week ago today that Rose had Edwards syndrome, before that it was almost a week of having scans and amnios etc. the docs at kings basically looked at my bloody results from 12 weeks and the anomalies picked up on the scan and said they thought it probably was Edwards. It means that we've been grieving for our little girl for almost 2 weeks now although she was only born on thurs we knew, having found out about Edwards, that we couldn't continue our pregnancy.

We've had a couple if days (although not consecutive ones) where life feels normal, today is one of those days, we've done shopping and dd has been to nursery. I feel an overwhelming guilt that I've not been crying all day.

We've also spent some time today writing out the card for the midwife who delivered Rose, I'm hoping this will also be part of the process of helping us come to terms with it all.

Sometimes it just seems such a huge thing to get our head around I just don't know where to start. Sometimes I think of our day with Rose and already I can smile.

It's such an odd situation to be in!

butterbeerfloat · 26/01/2015 17:10
Sad Flowers
chickydoo · 26/01/2015 17:17
Thanks Sending love, sleep well Rowan
ProbablyMe · 26/01/2015 17:18

It is very odd, it still feels quite surreal - my head is having trouble working it all out as the rest of the world is still moving on but part of me has stopped. I had a midwife come round unexpectedly today to check me over and it felt wrong for her to be doing that with no baby here.

I had a nagging feeling that there was a problem all the way along. My NT scan gave me a 1:5 risk so we opted for CVS which they couldn't do safely for positional reasons so we had to wait for two weeks for Amnio. When the Consultant started scanning me before the test I knew that was it - I couldn't see the little flickering blip that I was looking for so I asked him why I couldn't see the heart beating and my world stopped. The signs suggest that our baby may also have had Edwards but we have to wait a few weeks for results.

The hospital have been wonderful, they've made us feel like Rowan was as important to them as to us and I wasn't expecting that level of care and respect.

I'm feeling numb again now, waiting for the next wave to hit. The emptiness is overwhelming, part of me still keeps expecting to wake up I think.

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Only1scoop · 26/01/2015 17:22

So glad you have support from hospital. I found the bereavement midwives amazing. True Angels....don't be afraid to lean on them on bad days.

Thinking of you Thanks

magimedi · 26/01/2015 17:23

Probably & Kitty* - So sorry for both of you & for Rose & Rowan - what lovely names.

Flowers
KittyandTeal · 26/01/2015 19:42

Probably - how odd, I also had a nagging feeling that something wasn't right, right from the start.

We were given low Down's syndrome risk and low trisomies risk from my 12 week bloods. I was having extra scans because my hormone levels (papp a) we're really low.

The sonographer thought she might have seen a really small issue with her brain at 21 weeks. Referred us to kings who looks at my hormone levels and said T18, then they did a detailed scan and found a hole in her heart, strawberry shaped head and some cysts on her brain as well as an issue with her vermis.

They didn't say a definite Edwards but we all knew. That's the day my world fell apart. We had an amnio that confirmed t18. We opted to not carry on so had to go back to kings to have an injection to stop her heart before being induced.

It's hard to believe it was only a week ago that we got her test results.

Will they do a postmortem for Rowan? We turned it down for Rose but then we already knew what was wrong with her.

Are you planning a service for Rowan? I think for us knowing that we can 'officially' say goodbye and have somewhere to go to 'see' her is comforting us a little.

The midwives at the hospital have also been a godsend to us. I wonder if they know what a huge difference they make.

I know what you mean about the world going on and yours stopping. I keep seeing random people out and about and think 'how can you be doing your shopping when such a terrible thing has happened' I forget it's just us the world has changed for.

ProbablyMe · 26/01/2015 20:10

We are going to have a service - it's strange, DP and I consider ourselves to be atheists but we feel we need something to represent how important this is to us.

We decided against a post mortem on Rowan but we are having the placenta tested which should give us an answer.

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KittyandTeal · 26/01/2015 20:42

We're atheists too. We've asked for a non religious service. I feel it's important to acknowledge her and remember her.

I'm glad that you can have the placenta tested. The docs wanted us to have a postmortem but I just couldn't face it after everything we'd already put her through. Saying that we had the 'luxury' of knowing what was wrong with her so we didn't have to make that horrible decision.

inconceivableme · 28/01/2015 00:09

So sorry for your loss Probably.

KittyandTeal · 29/01/2015 21:02

How are you doing probably? I hope you've managed to get a bit of peace over the past few days.

My thoughts have been with you x

ProbablyMe · 29/01/2015 21:16

Hello Kitty - I wanted to send a message to ask how you were but didn't know if that was ok. Hope you and your family are ok as you can be at this time x

We're up and down, today has been ok I guess but the last two days were very bad. We saw the hospital chaplain about the funeral today which I'm not thinking about too much at present as it feels so at odds with how my head still thinks the world should be. I managed to stay out of bed today and spend more time with my older boys but I'm shattered now.

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wtffgs · 29/01/2015 21:22

Thanks So sorry. Sleep well little Rowan.

Bimberley · 29/01/2015 21:25

Thoughts are with you Flowers

lightbulbsarehot · 29/01/2015 21:29

Xx

FlossieTreadlight · 29/01/2015 21:34

Probably and Kitty, I'm so sorry about the loss of Rowan and Rose. Thinking of you both x

Figuringitout · 29/01/2015 22:20

Sending both of you love - I'm a little further on in my journey, but still have moments of intense (and overwhelming) grief.
If you haven't yet been pointed in the direction of ARC, may I suggest that you visit their forum? The helpline and the women on the forum - all of whom have a shared experience of losing a much loved child - have been a lifeline for me.
Be kind to yourselves xx

Gavlarrr · 29/01/2015 22:24

He's an angel to forever watch over you. Bless little Rowan, lovely name. Be strong, thinking of you at a horrendous time. Lots of love xx

KittyandTeal · 30/01/2015 09:07

Probably - glad to hear you've had some easier days mixed in. Pretty much the same as us.

We're still waiting for the hospital Chaplin, wondering if I should contact him. I'm sure he won't have forgotten us.

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