Coping with friend's new baby after miscarriage

[Scubes]

Hi,

We lost our first baby just 5 weeks ago. 3 days before that a close friend gave birth to her first baby. I feel I can't go and see her. dh is worried that it is starting to affect my friendship with her but I fall apart when she texts or emails. I'm not jealous but I feel I resent her position and when she texts and says life is so busy I feel like writing back saying that I'd rather have her busy life than the sadness we are experiencing.

People keep telling me it will be harder the longer I leave it but I don't believe that, I think it will be hard whenever it happens. I feel like I'm not being a good friend but I know she will say the wrong things like 'it will be Ok you'll have a baby soon'. Aaarggh!!

How have other people dealt with this, it's inevitable as lots of friends are pregnant but the timing of her baby is hard to deal with.

Any advice?

Hi -
No real advice im afraid, but wanted you to know your post hasn't gone unnoticed. If your fried knows about your m/c, she will understand. You will know when you are ready and you shouldnt feel you have to go see the baby if your not ready. xx

I think you have hit the nail on the head when you say that it will be hard whenever it happens. Very few people knew that I was pregnant when we lost our baby, so I just carried on as normal, and yes, it was hard, but I kept visits to friends with babies short and I've never been one for cooing over them anyway. She probably will say the wrong thing because there isn't really a right thing to say is there?

Has she said anything to you about it?

So sorry you are going through this

*friend.

Hi Scubes
Firstly {{{hugs}}}
My SIL's baby girl was just 3 months old when I miscarried my first baby. It was hard sometimes but strangely I found it harder seeing people on the street or baby clothes in a shop. I don't know why as I only met her and the baby (who is now my niece) after my miscarriage so its not as if it was easier because I loved her baby. Sorry that's not much help I know but if your friend is a good friend then she will understand how hard it is for you right now and give you some space. Perhaps you could write her a card just explaining how you feel so that there's no crossed wires etc.

Hi Scubes,

I know exactly how you feel, and it is really difficult. I had a miscarriage last year (like you, my first pregnancy) and two months later one of my closest friends had a baby.

Even though I left it for a couple of months - I had moved out of London and she was still there - I still found it incredibly hard to go and see her. I had to ring my DH from the station, as I was so close to hopping on the next train home, even though I was supposed to be staying with her that night. In the end I rang her up and explained - said that I was finding this really hard and if I did turn up, would she mind if I basically ignored the baby. Which I did - but she was fantastically understanding.

I'm now pregnant again, but at the time I thought that, if I didn't end up with kids, I would probably never be able to be close to her child, which was really sad.

I think you should probably write your friend a card, and explain that you are pleased for her, but you're also finding it hard to deal with your own grief (and five weeks isn't that long). Just writing it all down might make you feel better. But people who haven't had a miscarriage don't really understand what it's like. And then perhaps find someone to talk to - my hospital had counsellor midwives, who could look at your medical records and talk through what had happened, which really helped me move on. But if not, other people have said that the Miscarriage Association are also very good.

Hope this helps - and there are lots of people with experience of miscarriage on here, who will understand exactly what you are going through, so keep chatting on here too.

give yourself time to grieve for what you have lost before you try to enjoy what someone else has...a true friend will see you need this space....of course she is excited and will say things that are not necessarily tactful, but she is overwhelmed with joy while you are overwhelmed with sadness...

drop her a line to say you are happy for her, but a little fragile and will visit when you are able,,,,send a gift for baby if you can, or get DH to do so if you can;t face it....

Wow thanks, I was just sitting looking at another thread, flipped back to this one and there you all are!

I did write her a long email yesterday trying to explain. She was the only friend that knew I was pregnant and we had both got excited about hvaing babies 6 months apart. She rang to tell us about her baby's birth just after we returned from the hospital having lost ours.

I know its hard for her too and that she feels bad but everytime she contacts me I feel like screaming and hibernating!

I work with babies and young children and can cope fine with them I think it's just all the emotions tied up with her being my friend and feeling guilty about not celebrating her baby.

It's so hard isn't it. It doesn't matter that I might get pregnant and have a safe pregnancy because it will never take away losing this one. How do we get people to understand that?

I think that unless you've been through it you can't understand it. People just seem to find it really hard to accept how much you are grieving.

I'm feeling bad about this too. I have just had my third m/c (I have no children, and it is looking increasingly likely that I never will). My friend (who is the same age as me, 43) is pg with her second baby, having been pg at the same time as me both times, her pregnancies proceeded and mine didn't. I feel horribly mean but don't feel able to talk to her right now. She has had m/c's herself, as well as a termination for a chromosomal abnormality, so I know she will be understanding some of my feelings.

I still feel very uncomfortable about it and not sure what to do. I texted her to let her know when I lost the baby last week, and she texted a nice message back telling me to take care, but I just can't contact her again. It is early days, I know, and I am hoping she will understand.

scubes - i've not had a m/c, so i won't pretend i know how you are feeling - you are clearly senstive to not upsetting your friend, but you are still very raw and need to heal. but you won;t ever forget the baby you lost , and that;s absolutely right.....your doc might be able to put you in touch with groups who support women who have miscarried, who will know exactly how you are feeling...i remember seeing them advertised at my local docs..

I forced myself to visit friends with babies shortly after my stillbirth & it was all very difficult and awkward for everyone. We all deal with grief differently and you should do what feels right for you - there is no right and wrong.

I had m/c 2 in August and my friend's wife had a baby a couple of days afterwards. I couldn't face seeing the baby and still haven't. D/H explained the situation to my friend and I have seen him since and just asked questions about them all for politeness sake. I have two boys of my own, but can't cope with seeing the baby as I'm not ready. I thought I was feeling better until someone at work announced she was pregnant- I ended up going out of the room and breaking down.
I think it is best to do things as you feel ready. After m/c 1 I saW the above friends wife (she was pg at the time and could just about cope with it).
You know your limits and what you feel up to, it's best to trust your gut instinct on how you'll cope best

Thanks everyone. I think people who haven't had a miscarriage are the ones telling me I have to go and see her but reading your thoughts has made me appreciate that it is still early days and perhaps I am putting too much pressure on myself to go and visit her.

Although it was only 5 weeks ago it feels like a very long time so I have to remind myself that I need time.

We sent a present straightaway - a 'Name the Rose' gift pack as they had roses for the theme of their wedding and we felt it was an unusual and thoughtful gift. I know she appreciated it a lot. I think she is feeling guilty for being a new mum when I am having to cope with this but you are all right, if she is a true and good friend she will understand and I am sure that will be the case.

Finding it odd that certain things trigger the sadness, I start feeling sad at a TV programme and then it ends in a full on blubber about our baby! I guess that's normal!

Hope you are all doing Ok xx

Hello Scrubles

Sorry for your loss. It is a terrible time, and It takes time. I am only starting to feel better after my #rd m/c. I have had friends that had the exact same due date (within a week) of all three of my m/c.
I think for me (and maybee for you)? We are very sensitive and emotional after m/c and therefore can place alot of importance on other babies and due dates. We get upset by comparing these things with our own experiences. But having been through this and recently again. I realize it isn't really about the other babies or pregnancies-it is about our own grief. Which never goes away but does stop hurting so much... with time

I lost my last 2 months ago now, I was 12 weeks and thought it was all fine. My friend and I were both due in feb- both her and my 2nd babies. I have spoken about four times to her now and it gets easier each time and I am ready to see her now. Ironically her first baby was also born in feb and I was also due with one baby then too.

I guess what I am trying to say is you will feel better and I know it is annoying when people say you will have another, and to be honest I also found it somewhat annoying when women said they had experiences of m/c but also had children, but now I think I get it- Life goes on, and what doesn't kill us sure makes us stronger my ds is extra special to me, coz i went through alot to get him.
Your friend will be fine with you not seeing her, just take some time for yourself. You will be close again.

3rd m/c-oops

hi scubes,

I suffered a m/c on wed (just about to post my own story) and i just wanted to send my best wishes to you. A friend of mine has just had her 2nd child and she rang today to let us know and i couldnt speak to her. my dh let her know. in a way it is easier for me as she lives in NZ, so will not have to see her for sometime. I will try to email her in the next 2 weeks and see how that goes. tbh, i will contact her when i am ready and i just hope she understands
take care and do what is best for you.
xx

Hi Scubes

I read your sad story and I feel compelled to post as I have experience from the other side of the fence.

Just to inform you I have had two m/c, one 20weeks one 12weeks.

When I found out I was pregnant I told my friend and she was preganant too and we had the same due date. We were both very excited and everything was going along nicely. Then sadly my friend lost her baby. I sent her a note and then we had a painful time where my pregnancy grew and grew and I could see her pain and I felt like a permanant sad reminder. We tried to be as open as possible - I would tell her how hard it must be for her, she would sometimes cry, I would not talk about things regarding the progression of the pregnancy but would if she bought it up.

My daughter was born and my friend was the first person I called but sensitiviely. I told her that I knew she must be feeling sad and that I loved her. I told her I am happy for her to come and see me whenever she is ready and waited. She came to see me when my daughter was four months old. I felt nothing but gratitude that she had come and love for her for being so strong. She only stayed a few minutes and then left. I then met her without my DD and we had a chat about no baby stuff. She then came again and stayed longer and it became easier but I knew it was always sad for her.

My friend is an amazing person and I love her dearly.

My DD is now 4, my friend has a DD who is 2.

I don't know if this will help.

Ask me anything you want.

i've been in your situaton as well, I lost a baby at 14 weeks and a very close frioend was preg with twins at the same time - our due dates were a week apart. v v difficult to see her through the rest of the preg but that got easier, and when they were born , that was the hardest thing. She had asked us to look after her little girl when she was in the hospital having them - so even harder - and I couldn't bring m;yself to go and visit afger they were born for a few days - I went when they were just a few days old and broke down and had to leave, after that first visit it got easier to see them, but to be honest, it was a really hard time for me until I was preg again.
don't feel under any pressure to go and see, you've sent a lovely present and have been in touchm and if she's a good friend she will absoslutely understand

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your messages, and thank you to FatThighs for giving us the story from the 'other side'. I have emailed my friend and explained that it is too soon for me right now and how difficult I am finding it. She has replied to say she does understand and she promises not to offer me any words of wisdom when I do eventually feel strong enough to visit!

I appreciate it must be awkward for her too and that she must have her own feelings regarding this situation.

I have several pregnant friends at the moment, I think it's difficult with this friend purely because she gave birth as we lost our baby, timing was bad! She also wasn't very positive about having a baby and I suppose that's one thing I find hard to deal with.

Reading all your stories and thoughts has made me relax about it a bit. I was putting too much pressure on myself and felt I ought to go and see her but I really haven't given myself time to deal with what has happened to us. Going back to work and getting on with life isn't always the best option but you do have to get back to normal.

DH worried about us trying again as I haven't been well since it all happened but I think that's my immune system getting back to normal. PArt of me feels that we have to start trying although the fear of a repeat performance is a worry.

Scubes, am very very sorry to hear of your loss. I know exactly what this feels like, I have had 2 m/c s. Your friend and everybody else will completely understand how you are feeling and will respect your needs. Think about you right now, everybody else can wait. BTW, am now proud Mother of DD aged 3 and am now 17 weeks pregnant. As this is my first post, must just say how super impressed I am with whole Mumsnet set up and all round functional support of the sisterhood.

Scubes, I am sorry to hear of your loss ((hugs))

I have had the unfortunate luck to be on both sides of this equation and neither is any easier than the other.

I had a friend who fell pregnant the same time I caught with DD, we both mc'd. A few months later we both caught again. This time she mc'd and I went on to have DD. I found it very hard to talk to her. I felt guilty that my pregnancy progressed when hers didnt. I felt bad leaving her behind.

Since then I have had a further 2 m/c's and have many friends who are pg or just given birth. Whilst it tears me apart knowing what I have lost, they are my friends and that is more important to me.
I lost alot of friends over my last mc (some very inconciderate thoughtless comments were made by a few inc one who basically wrote my loss off cos it was an early one then in the same breath went on to say how wonderful her scan had been that morning) so I really do appretiate the ones I have that have supported me thru the tough times because I want to share the good times with them when my chance comes round again

Scubes, I am so very sorry for your loss. I miscarried on 30th August when I was 8.5 weeks pregnant and I know how utterly, completely devastated you must be feeling. My baby was due on 6th April 07, my SILs baby is due on 1st April 2007 so less than a week apart. We were quite close and would meet up every couple of weeks until the miscarriage.
I haven't seen her or spoken to her since the miscarriage, I don't want too. I can't even ask my husband how she is doing, the only way I can deal with it is to completely ignore the fact that she or her baby exist - I know that sounds terrible. I cannot see her because she will now be starting to show and that should be me. When her baby is born that should be my baby. When her baby starts to get teeth/walk/talk/go to school I will always think that should be my child. She and her child will be a constant reminder of what I have lost and I still cannot cope with thoughts of what I have lost let alone actually see someone who has what I so desperately wanted and lost. I am dreading this Christmas because its going to be extremely awkward on her, me and everybody else if I am there, I know will not cope well and hence I am not going to any of the family functions this year which in its own way is going to cause problems. Do not feel badly about avoiding your friend, that is your way of coping with a very difficult situation and I completely understand why you are doing it. I wish you the best of luck in the future with whatever you decide to do.

Hi Scubes,

I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our little peanut at 6 months, that was six months ago. It still hurts and she will be forever with us but it does get better with time. Don't feel bad about your friend, she will understand. Sometimes we have to be a bit selfish to protect ourselves. And what you're feeling now cannot be rationalised. That's just how you feel.
Six months on and I don't want to go and see my husband's niece.Ity's completely irrational, she's two years old.
Like Debbi, I'm dreading Christmas. I can't be around my friend's kids and they understand that. Bizarely I found relief by being with my friend's babies a month after I gave birth but now I just can't.
I've stopped trying to understand, I just take the emotions as they come.
Remember your friends and family love you. You come first and if you don't feel you can handle it that's the way it is. Noone can bame you for it.
Loads of hugs

Thanks again everyone, you're all amazing and have made me feel so much better and at peace with my feelings over my friend.

I have emailed her and explained my feelings, she has replied to say she understands the need for me to stay awya right now.

This week another friend emailed to say she is pregnant, they are expecting their baby around their 1st wedding anniversary - ours would have been born around our 1st anniversary too so that was quite hard. She didn't know about our miscarriage and felt awful about sending such a happy email It's difficult but part of life and now I feel more confident about telling my friends what I can cope with.

Phanie, I think you are right about taking the emotions as they come, even when they come at the most inappropriate times!

Another friend told me this week she was concerned that I was searching for info and solace on the internet which I found upsetting, I had to explain that sometimes you go through things that no-one else can understand unless they have been through it. That is why these forums are such a comfort.

Keep in touch everyone and let me know how you are feeling x

Maybe your friend is worried you're shutting down. I didn't expect forums to be so helpful until I tried after we lost our baby.
I thought it as a "virtual" world. It is as real as the real world, if not soemtimes more real because we're not shy about saying how we feel. Maybe your friend should read some of the threads.
Take care, loads of hugs