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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Seriously, how do you cope?!

18 replies

babybellsmum · 28/12/2014 18:44

My fears were confirmed today at hospital. My uterus was completely empty. On Xmas eve we saw a healthy 7 week heartbeat, on boxing day I passed a huge clot which now I know was my baby. I flushed our baby down the toilet! Please someone tell me how to cope with this. How do we celebrate our baby's life if we don't have a body to bury? I also really want to name him/her but struggling to find the perfect name. Any ideas?

OP posts:
squizita · 28/12/2014 21:24

The miscarriage society website have some wonderful ideas for remembering a lost pregnancy. Flowers Their helpline got me through some tough times.

It's even tougher at Xmas time. :(

Some people plant a tree or have a garden ornament in memory.

babyangelbean20315 · 29/12/2014 08:19

That jus made me cry. I lost mine in Sept me n my bf are getting tattoos I don't have any yet but I figure my baby's a good enough reason for something to remain on me forever, also because I no what my dd was I will be doing something on that day to remember my bean

It's v hard to deal with , especially at a time when other things are going on I'm guessing for you Xmas won't be the same again, mine was the day after my bday so now that's ruined for me

It does get easier though I spent the first 2 months crying I still haven't been back to work properly but I am feeling a bit more ok
I dunno if it will help you but it really helped me to talk to people who had experienced it themselves
makes u feel less like your losing your mind
makes u realise that your a lot stronger then some people
it does help, not now but it will

I hope you are ok I send u hugs xxx

Just an idea but I was thinking of either writing a letter to my baby and putting it on a lantern/balloon or in a bottle
I will never see it again but I hope baby does

If u do decide talking will help feel free to msg me I'll most probably cry with u about it

3lovelykids · 30/12/2014 10:18

Hi couldn't read and run. By me there is a memorial in our local cemetery to all our lost babies. We visit when our baby died and also on its due date. It offers a lot of comfort. It might be worth checking out your local cemetery to see if they offer the same.
We lost our beloved baby 6 years ago now at 10 weeks. I have never felt the same since but it does get easier over time and now I am able to accept that there must have been a problem. You will feel better but when you are ready Thanks

bakingtins · 30/12/2014 13:11

babybellsmum I'm so sorry you lost your baby. I think it would only be a minority of women who have anything to bury in that situation. Your instinct to commemorate the loss is likely to be really helpful, and you can do that however seems right to you. I have had 4 miscarriages, with nothing to physically bury for any of them, but I have a special plant for each in my garden. After the first one I wore a forget-me-not charm on a necklace for a while, but in the end it felt like I was literally carrying the grief with me and I chucked it out to sea at a beauty spot. For that reason I'd be very sure before thinking about a tattoo or anything permanent, your feelings may change over time. Writing a letter or poem can be quite cathartic, or release balloons or a lantern. On the EDD of each pregnancy I bought a baby related charity gift in honour of the lost LO. There is an organisation called Saying Goodbye that arrange services of remembrance for pregnancy loss at cathedrals around the UK, it's worth checking if one is planned near you.

CalicoBlue · 30/12/2014 13:42

I am so sorry to hear about your mc.

I have had three mc all at 6 to 12 weeks. There was never anything to bury.

I got through it by crying for a few weeks and then getting on with life. I know that makes me sound a bit cold, but I can not really remember the due dates or the mc dates now, time does heal. I did already have DS when I had my first mc, so maybe that helped. I felt that the babies had been put on hold and would be born at another time and did not see it as a loss of a baby. Having had an abortion in my early 20's, which I found very difficult and emotional probably prepared me for the mc.

Everyone copes with loss differently and if it helps you to name the baby, then do what helps you. As mentioned above there are charities that can help you.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

MrsPearce2015 · 30/12/2014 19:23

I'm so sorry to hear about everyone's loses.

I have found out today that I too have miscarried. 8 w 2+ my partner has been amazing in such a short time in finding out. Finding the courage to even write this is taking it's toll with all the shaking!
Triple hit with it gone Christmas, New Years passing and then my daughters 1st birthday next week!
Funny thing is we weren't even

MrsPearce2015 · 30/12/2014 19:25

trying and so soon after our first we were sceptical but happy none the less. I just hope this empty feeling will end soon.
Plus what to do now the pregnancy has failed ,....I've never felt so lost,,..

DoctorDonnaNoble · 30/12/2014 19:32

It does get easier. You don't forget but it gets easier.

babybellsmum · 01/01/2015 13:18

Thank you so much for all your replies. I've had the week off work but think I'm going to need longer. I have the doctor tomorrow so think I'll ask her to sign me off for a couple of weeks. I've struggled on and off with depression for years but think this may have set me back to my lowest :(

I think I like the idea of a tattoo but will wait til my emotions have calmed down a little before deciding. We let a firework off for her/him the day after. Think I will get a nice plant too, thank you for that suggestion.

I've been writing a lot. Just trying to release all the anger, pain, guilt etc. I'm finding it helpful to write my feelings down as we had told so few people I don't have many people to talk to. And I think some people who haven't been through it find it hard to sympathise and understand how painful it is:

When you have a dream and then it's shattered.
When you can't sleep, even though you're knackered.
When you feel pain no one understands.
When you think of those tiny feet and hands.

This pain is real, this pain is true.
I'd give anything to have known you.
To see your face and hear your giggle.
That would have been so magical.

But just because we can't see you
Doesn't mean you're not here.
You live in our hearts, our souls
And in every last tear.

RIP my Angel baby x

Good luck to everyone in feeling better and let's hope 2015 to us all x

OP posts:
hawaiibaby · 05/01/2015 14:12

Hi BM, I'm so sorry for your loss, and to everyone else too. We lost a baby in September, it was ectopic and a horrible time. I do feel a lot better now though, but still sad when I really think about it. Because mine was medically managed due to the baby still being in my tube, the hospital cremated it along with other Med-managed pregnancy losses. There was a service which we went to last month and it helped so much. I was dreading it, but 'saying goodbye' and letting myself validate my grief and acknowledge it was hugely beneficial. We also gave our baby a name - just one we liked that seemed appropriate and 'angely'. It's just for us but I'm glad we did. I hope you find a way to acknowledge your loss and I'm so sorry again.

I also found comfort in writing about it. My poem that I wrote is here if you wish to read it, it may help in some small way, I just really - like you - wanted to acknowledge what had happened and not pretend all was fine.

Sending hugs to you Flowers

MrsMarigold · 05/01/2015 14:20

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Obviously you need to grieve and everyone is different but I personally found not dwelling on it and trying to appreciate the good things in my life made it better.

Keep trying and hopefully by next christmas you will have a baby in your arms.

MrsMarigold · 05/01/2015 14:27

Also I know this might be controversial but if you think of it as a foetus rather a baby it might help. Sometimes it is better to be factual, and medical. I hope this doesn't seem tactless but it helped me to be matter of fact. Flowers

SingRingPing · 05/01/2015 14:42

Sorry for your loss. Today would have been my due date and I have been dreading this day but to be honest I don't feel as bad as I thought. I've accepted that our baby was never destined to 'live' beyond 11 weeks and I am grateful for the time I carried them. Tonight we are lighting a candle and will every year on this date. I'm now pregnant again and feel hopeful for the future.

inconceivableme · 07/01/2015 18:56

I'm sorry for your loss.
I lost a pregnancy at 7 weeks last November. I also passed a clot the size of my palm and fished it out of the loo to take to my IVF clinc in a container in case they could analyse it or something. A doctor and a nurse looked at it but it contained no fetal matter. My womb was also empty when they scanned me.
Sometimes your body reabsorbs an early loss. Just sharing to make you feel less bad about having flushed your baby down the toilet. There's nothing you could have done. Please don't blame yourself. x

MrsCakesPrecognition · 07/01/2015 19:06

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I also found writing useful. I bought a ring to wear after my first miscarriage and I have also added charms for all my children (lost and surviving) to my charm bracelet. I don't usually wear them, but it is comforting to feel I have tangible tokens of them.

More recently, and many years after my last loss, I went to a Saying Goodbye service at a local cathedral. I'm not religious but being part of a community all remembering their children was very moving. I cried a lot, but left feeling lighter somehow.

I hope you find some comfort in time.

RiverTam · 07/01/2015 19:16

so sorry for your loss.

I have had more MCs than I care to think about (I should mention that we did finally have DD, recently turned 5 - though no more following more MCs) but, at the risk of sound cold-hearted, I never thought of any of them as an actual baby (all between 5 and 10 weeks). No idea what the due dates were. What we lost was the baby we were going to have, not the baby itself, if that makes sense.

I just took a couple of days off and then just got on with it - for me, there didn't seem to be anything else I could do. I just had to get back on with life.

I've had midwives and other HCPs telling me that I must be a very strong woman - no, not really. Not at all, in fact. Like I said, for me there wasn't anything else to do but get on with life. Taking weeks off work wouldn't have helped me at all, there would have been no point.

I hope you feel better soon.

MrsMarigold · 08/01/2015 17:37

RiverTam interesting my approach was similar and I found just getting on with it interesting.

ILoveYouBaby · 10/01/2015 20:33

So sorry for your loss. somehow the pain does ease, I miscarried two years ago, and have since had a dd by a miracle. I planted a cherry tree in our garden and we say hello every time we go into the garden. It makes me feel better that my baby is remembered.

I'm currently pregnant again and bleeding heavily so expecting a second miscarriage in the next few days. I still haven't reconciled the fact that my first baby was flushed down the loo, and I'm dreading the same thing happening again.

It will get easier, but if you need to mourn, take the time to do so.

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