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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Third miscarriage, coping but very sad

19 replies

Nicola63 · 07/10/2006 09:29

Hello. I was thinking about leaving MNet altogether (have been on the ttc after mc thread, and then the last few weeks on the preg after mc thread) but I have been finding the support and care so helpful and hope no-one minds my starting a thread here now. I have just have my third missed m/c. I am 43 and have no children. I had an ERPC yesterday morning. I was 9 weeks pregnant. The last two weeks we have known there was probably smething very wrong, as the scans have shown for the last few weeks that the baby was too small. But we were hoping.

Very possibly I do not want to have to go through this again after three terrible disappointments, and so this may have been the last chance for me. I have two lovely stepdaughters, but was very much hoping to have a baby and had really got my hopes up over recent weeks.

I had already had all the relevent investigations after the second m/c, and nothing specific was found apart from a slightly underactive thyroid, now corrected. The only investigation being done this time is chromosomal analysis of the embryo. I will know in about three weeks what the result of that is.

I am sorry to write a long post, but am just feeling rather at a loss and although I am coping and have a wonderful DH, I still feel very sad.

Thnaks for listening.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 07/10/2006 09:33

Oh Nicola, I am so very sorry. I don't have very long here now but will come back. I'm 43 too, and would be very happy to talk.

cece · 07/10/2006 09:36

Oh Nicola I am so sorry to hear this My thoughts are with you...

foundintranslation · 07/10/2006 09:41

Nicola, I am very, very sorry. Of course you feel very sad - you are allowed to, and in fact it is necessary for healing. It is a terrible blow, I know. I have had three miscarriages too (one complete, one incomplete, one blighted ovum), and had the last two in consecutive cycles. It is such an awful cycle of hope and the crushing of hopes.

If you feel you can, it is probably wise to take at least some time now to grieve and be kind to yourself before deciding whether to try again.

I have found Lesley Regan's book on miscarriage helpful, although I assume you know it.

Original poster

Nicola63 · 07/10/2006 09:47

Thank you for the kind words. Yes I have read the Regan book, have had all the investigations she recommends, and have been on heparin and aspirin for the past five weeks while I was pregnant, but to no avail. No clotting abnormality was actually found on testing, but I persuaded my obstetrician to agree to the heparin anyway, just in case it would help. But, the outcome was exactly as in the previous pgs. Both last time and this time a heartbeat was seen at 6-7 weeks, but the baby looked too small. And then no heartbeat a couple of weeks later.

The kind but sad look on the ultrasonographer's face as he turns to me and says "I'm so very sorry" (the same man and exactly the same experience for both the last 2 pgs) seems to be haunting me. I feel sick thinking about it. I don't think I can ever go through that again.

OP posts:

sideways · 07/10/2006 09:49

Nicola, I'm so so sorry to hear this. I know how much you had tried and desperately wanted this - I remember you from the "older mums" thread.

Look after yourself as much as you can. I'm happyo to chat if you ever want to.

foundintranslation · 07/10/2006 09:53

It is utterly horrible, isn't it? The image of the enormous (-looking) but empty sac on my last scan haunts me too As soon as I saw it I said 'there's nothing in there', the doctor scanned from all possible angles for about 5 minutes 'just to be sure', but I knew. It's the worst worst worst kind of 'groundhog day' feeling.

It's 4 weeks on from my D&C now and it does get better, you slowly start feeling more normal - but you know all that already, don't you? Take at least that time it takes to be feeling normal again before deciding what you want.

Original poster

Nicola63 · 07/10/2006 10:01

Foundin translation, that is EXACTLY right, "worst kind of groundhog day". I knew before he said it what he was going to say, I knew, I suppose, before I walked into the room, and it was such an awful feeling. And I also felt sorry for the guy having to tell me the bad news, and kept telling him "never mind, never mind, I was expecting it...", to try and make him look less sorry for me! What a day.

I'm off work till Tuesday now (as I had known this may happen I took a long weekend off) so will be taking it easy till then.

OP posts:

edie123 · 07/10/2006 10:09

Nicola

So sorry for your tragic loss. I know what you mean about the sonographer. I will NEVER forget her face when she told me (missed mc recently).

Think you need more time of work...everyone is different I guess but you have been through such a big thing, take some time to try and relax and spoil yourself a bit.

As others have said, think about the future later, take one day at a time at the moment. You know deep down that it will get better, thinking of you xx

swift1 · 07/10/2006 10:14

NIcola, so sorry to hear this, I hhave had 2 m/c recently , and know what you mean when you say you dont want to have to go through it again.

I cant really say anything to make you feel better, just that keep posting , everyone on here will support you xx

mummylin2495 · 07/10/2006 12:58

Hi nichola My daughter suffered three miscarriages before the medical people investigated,it was found that her body wasnt making the correct hormone to sustain a pregnancy,she then became pregnant again and for 14 weeks she had a weekly injection of the hormone she had been missing,she is now mum to two daughters !! I hope you have /will ask to be investigated now and hopefully you wil succeed in having the baby you long for .good luck.

Original poster

Nicola63 · 07/10/2006 13:01

Mummylin, I am afriad that all that has already been done extensively, after the last m/c (had every test including hormones, antibodies, clotting factors, everything, done twice, just to be sure). I had every investigation that can be done, and nothing abnormal was found apart from the thyroid problem. There is nothing that further investigation can now add, really. Except to see if this pregnancy was chromosomally abnormal.

OP posts:

evenhope · 07/10/2006 13:46

Oh nicola, I'm so sorry I was keeping my fingers crossed that this time you'd be lucky.

mummylin2495 · 07/10/2006 16:31

nichola i am so sorry i dont seem to of helped you at all.wishing you the best of luck and health in the future.

trace2 · 07/10/2006 16:35

nichola so sorry, thinking of you(((hugs)))

Uki · 08/10/2006 02:39

Oh Nicola, How terrible. It is very hard, I'm sorry

I'm finding it hard too, AF arrived today and i have had 4 m/cs. It seems ridiculous that next time I am preg it will be my 6th time, (lucky i have one) but it's still hard to go through so much joy then disapointment.

I have had investigations too and nothing to conclusive.
I know you would have heard it but- it is good you can get preg, and maybee you need to hang in there, a good strong embryo will come through. My DS is such a strong determined little thing, i can see why he made it.

I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed for you. Take Care.

firststar · 10/10/2006 12:32

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Nicola63 · 10/10/2006 15:10

I'm back at work today, which is helping me feel more normal again, although I still feel very tired etc. I am also bleeding a lot (bright red blood and clots, sorry if tmi) and having cramps, which did not not happen after the previous ERPCs and so is bothering me a bit.

I am finding it hard to sleep, and thinking a lot in the early hours of the morning, all the if onlies and what ifs etc. But overall I am OK and life very much goes on, with plenty of other things happening to keep me occupied. I have found that making plans for fun things like our next holiday (skiing over New Year) is helping. Also my stepdaughter is coming to live with us in January and I have a lot to do to arrange this, making a lovely bedroom for her etc. This will help a lot.
But I still feel awfully empty. And just plain disappointed.

OP posts:

foundintranslation · 10/10/2006 16:43

Nicola, if work helps, go with it, but do do do be as kind to yourself as possible, and make sure you get plenty of rest.

It is a difficult, difficult balance, isn't it, between the desire/urge to get on with things and the sad and empty feelings. You sound like you have amazing strength, but please listen to yourself, and give yourself times where you do not have to be strong.

bigfatred · 10/10/2006 21:31

hey nicola. i can understand your feelings. had 4 m/c and never knew how to deal with it. hardest part is that any future plans included this other little being and then suddenly taken away. hard for other½ too. both felt responsible somehow. both looked for reasons. neither right. it did help to take joy from others in my life (god child, nephews, friends kids) and be the non-mum adult. ultimately gave up altogether and then scan to find out what was wrong showed i was pregnant again much to my confused trepidation/delight/fear. luckily this one stuck and ds now 4 and at school. things happen. you will cope and you will be fine and a great step mum/mum and a great you.

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