On 10th October I went for an early scan because I'd been having a lot of persistent spotting for several weeks. I should have been eight weeks pregnant with my first baby. My husband and I were so happy.
At the scan, they said that there was no heartbeat or any evidence of a baby. After blood tests, I was told that I likely had a molar pregnancy.
The tissues were removed the following Monday. The physical recovery hasn't been too bad, but emotionally I am struggling. The day after I had my operation, a friend text to say she had delivered her baby that morning. Then, a few days later, another friend told me that she was pregnant. I think that has destroyed me the most. We work together, so I will see her pregnancy progress, and she will leave not long before I would have.
Everywhere I look I am surrounded by babies and pregnancy. I will be the only one of my friends without a baby, and I can't even try for one until it's confirmed that my hormones have returned to normal and there is no molar tissue left.
I had my blood tested on the 20th of October and my hormone levels had dropped dramatically, but a test on the 24th showed that they had increased a bit. I'm now being monitored by Sheffield, but I am so concerned that my levels increased, and no one has told me yet if they will do anything.
I feel so sad and tearful almost all the time. I try really hard to come across as positive and fine around other people, but the truth is that I feel awful. I don't want to make my friends feel uncomfortable about their pregnancies and babies. My husband is wonderful and supportive, and I'm very lucky to have him. But I thought we were going to have a baby, and I wanted so much to have a baby. The worst thing is that I created this. All of this pain and sadness has come from doing something that I thought would bring happiness. And it's a complete molar pregnancy, so it's all me. The sperm was fine, but my egg didn't have any chromosomal information, so I feel like everyone else has a body that works, but mine doesn't. I just want all this to be over so we can try for a baby again, but I don't know when that will be, and even that process will fraught with panic and the potential for the whole thing to happen again.
I just needed to get all that down.