Over 1 week on from miscarriage and feeling low

[Flower29]

Hi everyone,
I had a mmc at 11+5 and the scan showed the baby had died at 8+5. I then went into hospital for medical management which was successful and was discharged the next day. For the first few days after I felt like I was coping quite well considering, then the intense feelings of grief and sadness washed over me and I have been up and down for the past week.
I feel much worse now than I did straight after it happened. I had lots of txts from friends and family when I was in hospital but these have all now tapered off apart from the odd one so feeling quite alone. I can talk to my husband but he needs to go to work so only get to talk properly when he's home.
I just feel so sad and like my life is on hold and that I'm waiting for something (don't know what) to help me move on and make it easier. I'm still bleeding a week and a half on and it doesn't feel like it's easing much (maybe it is very gradually so I'm not noticing but it's still bright red blood - sorry tmi!) this is making it really hard as I can't even pretend to feel normal or begin to move on emotionally when I see that every time I go to the toilet!
Does anyone have any helpful or supportive comments? :-)
Xxx

[leanne963]

flower Big big big hugs to you! I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel, i was the same. I MC on the Monday evening while i was waiting in A&E and they told me to go in for a scan on Tuesday morning. I thought i had come to terms with it all, my Mum came round Tuesday evening to see me and i was all smiles and 'Yeaaaa im ok.' Nothing hit me until we started talking about my brothers upcoming wedding. Why is he still having something to look forward to? Why was everything i was looking forward to suddenly taken from me? What do i have to look forward to now?! I pretty much broke down the next day. Unfortunately i feel like a lot of issues were unresolved. I never knew how far along i was (guessing 12 weeks) and i don't know when the baby had died. Was i carrying a lifeless baby for weeks?! It is hell.

The only thing that made me feel better was keeping busy. Do NOT stay at home on your own, it is the worst thing to do. I ended up volunteering and getting a job (I am a student) and trying to keep myself busy with people who don't know me and what i went through as i couldn't bare the 'Are you ok?' and the looks. Again i am so sorry, but it willl get better, not straight away....but one day you will smile again i promise!
xx

[bakingtins]

flower I'm so sorry you lost your baby. It's a massive thing to go through and the physical loss is often only the start of it - there's a process of grieving for the baby you lost and all the hopes and plans you had for them. I've had 4 MC and I find I go into survival mode to get through the actual miscarriage and it doesn't really hit emotionally until later. Talking or writing about it helps so keep posting - the Miscarriage Association have a helpline where you can speak to a volunteer who has been through similar if that would help you at any point. It can feel really lonely. I found it helpful to do something to honour the baby, in the way that after a death normally you'd be able to attend the funeral and wake, look at photos, talk about memories - all those things help people to work through their grief. I have a plant for each loss in a special corner of my garden, other ideas include choosing a piece of memorial jewellery, writing a letter or poem, releasing a balloon, lighting a candle, attending a Saying Goodbye service buying a charity gift.
You will get through it - little steps at a time. It's very early days for you.

[Flower29]

Thank you both for your kind words.
I'm so sorry for your losses too, it's so sad that we have to find ourselves here.
Feeling a bit better now as hubby will be home from work soon so will get a big hug then. When I was discharged from hospital they gave me a memory box and inside are these little paper flowers with seeds in them which we are going to plant. I've just been out to buy a pot to plant them in, so hopefully that will help a bit seeing it grow (hoping it will given my gardening skills ). Leanne - I didn't feel like going out at first, just wanted to mope around and grieve, but I think I do probably need to make sure I get out and keep myself busy so thanks for the advice.
I feel very privileged and lucky that I have a 13 month old son and my situation doesn't seem half as bad as some peoples, so I'm really thankful for that. Just finding it hard to think of the positives at the moment like trying again etc and appreciating what I've got, feel like I have A massive cloud over me and don't know when the sun will shine again!
Bakingtins you are so brave having to go through this hell 4 times! Life is just so unfair at times. As well as the plant, we're also going to visit the crematorium soon where the ashes are being scattered (we don't know when this will happen exactly) which I think will help. My grandparents were also cremated there so think that will provide some comfort.
Thanks both again for your support and advice.
XxX

[happygojo]

The first week after medical management I was fine, I didn't cry much and was very 'matter of fact' about the whole thing. I went for a few days in wales and had a lovely time. Then.... I came home and that 2nd week was horrific, I was back at work and crying all the time and often without warning, also having anxiety attacks, now I am into week 3 and I have had an almost BFN and now I have headaches and I am SOOOOO grumpy.... but all my preg symptoms have gone. I kind of feel like I am not sure what to do. I couldn't see a baby on my scan (blighted ovum I think) so.... I just don't know what to 'do' to help me deal with it, and then I think I am not sad enough. MC is weird and cruel and lonely and different for everyone which is why there clear-cut advice of 'THIS will happen to you in the order of a, b, c etc.' there is no right way to feel..... I mostly feel angry that I put on 10 lbs (some during preg, the rest is due to eating my feelings afterwards), which might sound cold of me :-S

[Flower29]

Hi happygojo, thanks for your reply. Yes the 2nd week definitely sucks! It's so cruel how one day you feel like you're coping, and the next like a complete mess.
So sorry for your loss too, how far along were you? Did you feel any relief getting the bfn? I was getting a bit down about the bleeding as it didn't seem to be easing but yesterday it did a bit and I did another hpt and it was a much fainter line than the last one so that cheered me up a bit. At least now I feel like I can at least feel positive about ttc again. Do you think you'll ttc again soon? My heads telling me i should wait a bit to come to terms with the loss but I just can't bear to wait and miss any opportunities. I'm going to have counselling so I'm hoping that will help.
Know what you mean about the weight, I've been pigging out and drinking wine most nights. I'd already bought some maternity jeans as I was so bloated but can't bear to wear them (or even look at them) now and my normal ones are all tight!
X

[happygojo]

The maternity jeans went to the back of the cupboard. I was 'only' 9 weeks and I had a private scan just out of curiosity, no cramps no bleeding. I feel finality now I have BFN. I have now had a positive Ovulation test but not sure if it is just my AF arriving. I hate not knowing what my body is up to. I am torn about TTC, obviously I want to but those 7 weeks of feeling ill and the fear of the worst and then the worst happening.... I just am not sure I can do it again right now.... but the sooner I start again the better really. I also put on a stone so I want to try and lose that.... I don't know what to do, I am ok.... just confused about what I want/need

I am moving house in a couple of weeks so I will have to see the jeans again... but i think i will be ok. I went shopping at the weekend and got a hair cut, new dress, new shoes, new jeans (a size up). It made me feel a lot better because wearing tight clothes was just a constant reminder of a) it happening and b) the weight I gained in the process

[Flower29]

Argh, just finished my post and pressed something by accident so lost it all! Doh!
My morning sickness had stopped around 10 weeks which I wasn't comfortable with, it just didn't feel right (I had it til 12 with my son so expected similar), then I had spotting and a little bleed and the scan at nearly 12 weeks...

I was feeling more positive a few days ago as it seemed my bleeding was easing and my hpt was getting fainter but the last couple of days I have had mild cramping and passed some tissue/clots. My bleeding also seems stringy, like its mixed with ewcm. Sorry for tmi but does this sound normal, the stringy bit at least? It's put me on a bit of a downer, just want my body back to normal. I don't mind having to wait longer ttc though as I no longer feel like I need ttc ASAP.
I've bought some new clothes which has helped, just looking at the clothes I wore when pregnant makes me feel sad (I had to wear all my loose ones so people I knew couldn't guess).
Congratulations on moving house. That will keep you occupied which could be a good thing. It may feel like a new start for you subconsciously which might help you move forward.
Sounds like you're body's ready ttc should you decide to. Good luck if you decide to go ahead. I know what you mean about waiting though, at first I wanted to ttc ASAP but now I know it's not going to replace it and it would be so hard dealing with all the emotions if I got bfp so soon.
Xxx

[impatienceisavirtue]

I'm several months from my last mc and I still feel low because of it some days, it took me a long time (and several mners making me feel better about it) to realise that this is ok. There is no time limit on when you have to stop grieving.


What I will say is that over time the edges of the pain do blunt, and it consumes you less and less. It does honestly get better and you learn to accept it. Pushing yourself to move on has the opposite effect I think.

So so sorry for your loss