Thought I was doing better, now my friend has really hurt me

[impatientlywaiting14]

Hi,
I had a miscarriage 4 and a half months ago at 5 weeks. I know that there are lady's who have had it much worse and seen there baby's heartbeat and gone on to miscarry later or have a late miscarriage or still birth(s). I cant imagine how that must feel. But for me it was the most horrible thing I have ever been through. I was diagnosed with endometriosis last year so Me and my partner didn't want to waste time putting off trying, but we were advised for me to wait for another surgery procedure. 10 months later we were finally able to try and we were shocked after 3 months to find out I was pregnant.

I told one of my friends who said was I sure I was pregnant? (after me doing 3 tests?). I found that odd but she was pleased when I managed to convince her you don't get false positives on a test. The day I went to hospital, as I started bleeding and had cramps i told her i was worried, she said it could be anything and not to worry and to think positive. I know she was trying to be helpful. I had the scan a few days later which confirmed the pregnancy was gone.

I left the hospital in a daze and text my friend as I wasn't up to talking on the phone. She said are you sure they didn't make a mistake as it could be too early to see anything? I had to explain how they had done it internally as it was early. I know she might of thought she was helping but it didn't help to give me false hope. Then she said your going to try again soon though aren't you? I replied i couldn't think of that right now.

She was in contact with me most days after and knew how low i was feeling. She gave the preliminary "awww" and "try to stay positive, you can try again" ect. I read about planting a flower or doing something significant to mark the loss to help the healing process. I went out shopping a couple of weeks later to buy some things and bumped into her and showed her the things I had brought. she said "awww" that's nice and started talking about her mums miscarriage and how she (her mum) had dealt with it and its one of those things. Then about her brothers girlfriends scan being the following week. After that we parted ways as she was on the way to somewhere.

I felt quite down at the lack of thought she seemed to showed then thought maybe I was being over sensitive. I did tell her a few days later as it was still troubling me. She apologized and said she didn't know why she had mentioned the scan. I said it was ok, as I know she didn't intentionally mean any harm. Things seem to pick up a bit a few weeks after the miscarriage. When I got to four weeks since the miscarriage I did have a low dip. Then I found a new job and things picked up again a bit.

Prior to the miscarriage I had already received my 12 week scan date in the post. As the date approached I started feeling down and emotional. I met up with my friend to go shopping around 5 days before the scan date and mentioned I was feeling low and a bit delicate and needed to keep my mind busy. She seemed to sympathize. I thought getting out would be good.

About an hour after we had met up she got a message on her phone and told me her brother and his girlfriend was meeting us. They had just come from the local hospital for a check up for the baby. She said not to mention to her brother that I knew the news and I breathed an inward sign of relief as I thought that meant he didn't wish to discuss it yet. A few minutes after they arrived she said to him so have you got something to tell impatiently? He then told me and I had to act surprised and suitably delighted. My friend started looking up prams on her phone and showing them to the brother and girlfriend. Then the girlfriend wanted to look in a baby shop and my friend also made a beeline for it which meant had her brother (thankfully) not not wanted to go in we would have all had to look around and I just was not ready for that.

We went back to my friends Nan's as it had been arranged before the brother and girlfriend agreed to meet us. The 3 month scan photo was handed to me to look at. The whole time we were all together the conversation gravitated around the baby which I completely understand. However my friend did nothing to try and give the conversation a break though actually kept the conversation going regarding all the baby plans ect and didn't seem to give me a thought. I found it all very over whelming and went to the loo twice just to escape.

I told my partner afterwards as I wasn't sure if I was just being over sensitive, he was actually quite annoyed about it and it highlighted to me how thoughtless she had acted. I was down for days afterwards as I felt very isolated from that friend and thought I would be in the wrong saying anything as it would sound like I was saying she didn't have the right to get excited over her niece or nephew which wasn't the case. Things didn't feel right for a few weeks.

I eventually found the words to tell her how I felt and I made sure to word it correctly so she understood I didn't expect her to hide her excitement because of my loss. Just that the feelings and mixed emotions are hard without the added feeling that the person in question hasn't stopped to consider how your feeling. I explained if I could see that a thought was also there for how I might be feeling, then It made me more determined to be stronger. I also said that if I asked her questions about her brothers girlfriends pregnancy that meant I was feeling stronger that day. She seemed to understand and after that only mentioned it in conversation if I asked and seemed to be carefully considering the way she put things across which I really appreciated so I made more effort to try and embrace it.

I have found though that as the months have gone on she seems to have forgotten again with various bits of news being sent in the way she was sending it before which I have tried to overlook as I understand as the due date approaches her excitement is building up. The other day I was asked over text if I wanted to see the 4D scan picture not a "Hello how are you?" first or a "Hi". It was the first time I had heard from her since the previous day. I had also had a pregnancy announcement in the family and was thinking of the miscarriage a lot that day. I was trying to think of the best way to reply to her text. I was out so I waited until I was home before replying to say sorry I had been out. The conversation steered away from the initial question for a moment then she asked again did I want to see the 4D scan picture.

I was composing a reply to say "Would it be Ok to see it another day, as i have had a pregnancy announcement and the miscarriage has been on my mind, its been a bit of a tough day? Xxx. I didn't get that far as 10 seconds later the scan photo was there on my phone. It was very painful, I think more so for the fact that my friend didn't give me a chance to reply or find out the sort of day I had had First. The scan photo was quickly followed with the message "MY NEICE! xxx". I deleted the reply I had been composing and wrote "That's nice xxx" and sent that instead. I feel there really is no point in saying anything now, I have spoken to her already and laid thing's out there which was really hard for me to do. I feel if I say something about the scan photo I will sound self indulgent.

If I'm really honest with myself then I haven't felt very supported by her since I miscarried. She seems to have a view of it that its just one of those things, I think due to the fact that her mum miscarried. Her brother also seems to have that view as he said about as much the day we met up.

My other very close friend, who incidentally is pregnant, has been very supportive these past 4 months and couldn't have been more sensitive. I will admit found it difficult to be around her the first few months but things have gotten easier and I have embraced her pregnancy and done lots of things helping her plan to try and take the stress off of her. I even offered to help plan the baby shower and have brought her stuff to help her sleep and for stuff for her hospital bag as shes not had a good pregnancy and has not been able to get out. I started getting excited a few months back. This week she is due. I have started to feel down but I don't know how much of that is actually down to the new pregnancy announcement and my other friends thoughtlessness.

I don't feel I can go to my pregnant friend for support about my other friend or regarding the miscarriage as she has enough on her plate right now. The other person I would usually talk to that understands is the one that has made the announcement so feeling pretty isolated right now and pretty selfish for feeling so.

The worst part though is I'm worried about how I will cope in reality when my close friends baby is here as (i thought) I have been coping pretty well. Then my other friend sends me the scan picture and it seems to have really knocked me? I have been focused on being a good friend to my pregnant friend and embracing her pregnancy but what if I have been kidding myself and I'm not coping as well or feeling as strong as I think? i'm scared that once her baby is here it's going to hit me :(

I'm really sorry for the long post I hope i don't sound too selfish. I just feel so isolated and low at the moment and terribly guilty for all the thoughts I'm having.

Thanks for reading XXX

[IamHelenaJustina]

I think what you have is two friends - one who has been sensitive to you and the other - overwhelmed by an exciting event in her life - who could have done better. The thing is neither of them really know how you feel nor how you will react to things. You don't know that yourself either - you've clearly coped much better at certain times then others - dates such as the scan date very understandably being tough. I don't think either of your friends wants to hurt you. Nothing has been done here out of malice or even with an intention to isolate you. But yes - it is painful. Coming to terms with other people's baby news is part of the bereavement process you are going through.
Yes the miscarriage was early but you had hopes and dreams for that child, for the person that child would be and you lost that. It will take a long time to fully come to terms with that loss. Don't try and rush it.
That is something though that your friends simply aren't able to know though so can you think about trying to forgive them when they make a pigs ear of things? If you possibly can, work at enjoying their baby stuff because I think you will ultimately find that more healing than backing away from it.

Good luck and if you decide to ttc again I hope you have every success very quickly.

[ChampagneTastes]

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are really struggling to come to terms with it (understandably). I think your friend is probably just a bit clueless; she is being insensitive and unhelpful but this is partly because she's so excited about new babies in her own life. I would suggest having a bit of distance from her, at least in the short term.

Have you talked about your grief with your partner? Have you received any sort of counselling? It really sounds like you need to get a lot of stuff off your chest; perhaps posting more here will help too.

As for your other friend; it is painful to watch sometimes but (and please please don't think I'm being heartless in saying this) life does go on. There will always be new babies and pregnant women and you need to find a way to deal with that. That's for the longer term though; for now focus on getting some support and finding an outlet for your grief.

[Seriouslyffs]

I'm sorry for your loss
The friend who sent the scan and dragged you along to see her brother and sil sounds a bit dense. She may not have meant to be unkind but she certainly has the hide of a rhino. Either iron clad yourself and know she's not doing to be supportive or avoid her I'm afraid.
There will always be babies around and pregnant women but this friend really is making it harder than it should be for you to soldier on.

[impatientlywaiting14]

Thank-you very much for your reply's

IamHelenaJustina

I know nothing has been done in Malice and if i believed that it had been i wouldn't be friends with them. My un-pregnant friend has stuck her foot in it on many, many occasions that are unrelated to the miscarriage and I have overlooked it. It just gets an bit frustrating having to keep being understanding especially with all these feelings i'm trying to navigate.

As i said my pregnant friend has been more than sensitive and I have made a real effort to embrace and enjoy the baby stuff as hard as it has been on occasions. I have found from when i first miscarried to now things have gotten much easier with handling my friends pregnancy which is why i now feel so dissapointed with how I'm feeling this week.

As you said maybe I am rushing it. I think that is due to the fact that my pregnant friend is being poorly treated by another so called "best friend of hers. This is due to her not liking my close friend being pregnant. I think i feel I have had to pick up the slack of supporting my close friend as her so called best friend has failed her.


ChampagneTastes

I don't think your heartless and yes life does go on and as I said I (thought) I was doing quite well. It seems with the events of this week I'm a bit all over the place. It was also my dear Grans birthday this week who I lost 3 years ago. I thought i hadn't focused on it too much but i think subconsciously i must have.

I don't actually find seeing baby's generally upsetting its bumps that are painful, more so if i don't know the person. Its easier with someone i know and love as (in the nicest possible way) I'm invested in their happiness.
I haven't had counselling no, I have been keeping busy with my new job. I have felt I have been coping ok and now my feelings are up in the air again.

There isn't the usual support system available now, as I mentioned my close friend has enough on her plate, she has been induced early due to health problems in pregnancy. My other support system is waiting to find out there own news so I don't want to spoil that. My partner isn't one to really talk about things. He lent a listening ear the first couple of weeks but seems to want to move forward and not dwell on it and it seems he thinks that talking about it would be dwelling.

I haven't been seeing my other friend. She sends the messages and knows if they have been read. I could just ignore all messages from her and not open them but don't feel that's really solving anything or dealing with it maturely

xx

Seriouslyffs

You hit the nail on the head. Its already a tough situation without what should be a support system making things harder. I feel a good portion of my hurt reaction is more down to my friends actions that the actual things themselves like seeing the Scan picture. This in turn is muddling my already mixed feelings.

XXX

Looking back over this I realize I have been feeling the strain of being a support system for my pregnant friend and picking up the slack of her other so called best friend while trying to manage with this and not wanting to burden my pregnant friend. I think I feel in turn i should have been able to rely on my non pregnant friend for a bit of support and feel let down by not receiving that support.

Thank-you for again all your kind reply's and wishes xxxx

[thesmallbear]

Hi OP, I think your (non-pregnant) friend has been pretty out of order tbh. You have on several occasions asked her to be tactful and explained why things such as scan pictures may be difficult for you. Yet, she still sends you a text of a scan picture!? Maybe she's seen how well you're supporting your pregnant friend and assumes you've moved on since those chats.

You sound like a really nice person. You are trying very hard in extremely difficult circumstances. A lot of people would have distanced themselves from the pregnant friend due to her being to much of a reminder. You are a strong person OP and you will get through this

[leanne963]

Oh OP i want to give you a big hug, bless your heart! Yes MC may be common and there is no rhyme or reason to why it happens but that doesn't make it any less painful. If i had a pound for everything i heard 'It's just one of those things' i would be a rich girl.

I would just take some time out for yourself, away from babies, bumps, and insensitive people. I am so sorry you are going through this.

[impatientlywaiting14]

Thank-you so much for your reply's

thesmallbear

I am trying to be understanding that my friend is excited for a new niece especially being a first time aunt. But I do feel regardless of that and even though it was not intentional, she has been thoughtless. As you have said I have highlighted it to her (as hard as it has been to do so) on various occasions and explained that it will take some time to heal and although I will feel stronger its not something you ever really get over. I think you could be right and it was also suggested to me that she's seen how I'm supporting my other (pregnant) friend and assumes its all good now.

I think she could take the time though, to see how I am regarding that before barreling ahead. I have also explained that I find it easier with people I know. She didn't seem to understand though and said but you do know them. I don't want to sound mean, I know them through her. I have seen her brother around three times and met the girlfriend once. I'm not close with them and don't have a relationship with them. So for me its just another lucky couple that did things right. But of course I didn't say that or try to elaborate why its different. I didn't want to go there so I left it.

Thank-you for saying that I sound nice as I haven't felt like the nicest person with all these thoughts . I like to think I am a decent person. I am trying really hard and you are right a lot of people would have distanced themselves from their pregnant friend to protect themselves. This has happened with my pregnant friend and her best friend. Although she says she understands, I know this has hurt my good friend,which in turn has upset me.

xxx


leanne963

Thanks, I really do feel in need of a hug. Its tough to reach out though, as I don't want people to think im carrying on like im the only person in the word to go through this or that I think I have had it worse than anyone else. I know there are woman out there that have suffered much more. I'm not usually a "woe is me" person. I usually just get on with things and not one to complain about my lot in life as there is always someone worse off than yourself. I'm happy to help others I honestly am and I don't ask for, or expect, anything in return. I feel really in need now though, to be shown some understanding and kindness. Is that so much to ask? It seems it is, which is what is hurtful, as I give that out so readily.

I will try and distance myself a bit and give myself a break. Its hard to though as I have already promised to help my pregnant friend with childcare of her other children the first few weeks after the birth. And I cant really hide away from new pregnancy announcements and say "NO! STOP! I don't want to hear that!".

As for my other friend I will just try and muddle through and think only a couple more months and the baby will be here so things should settle down a bit. I will get worded updates rather than scan pictures and pictures of her (the girlfriends) bump sent over.


Thanks so much again for your kind reply's, its a relief to have been shown some understanding xxxx

[Chottie]

I truly think some people are not very good at empathising and unless something has actually happened to them, they just don't understand.

Do what you need to keep yourself safe at the moment, it's understandably a very emotional time for you

[impatientlywaiting14]

Hi Chottie

Thanks so much for your kind reply xx yes you are right there not unkind just not very empathic, im a very emphatic person by nature xx

To update I have spoken to my friend that sent the scan pic and it was a cross communication over text, she had a delayed reply to another question she had asked just before the scan pic question (in which I has said yes), so sent the scan pic thinking all was fine. She said she wouldn't have sent it otherwise. She said sorry.

She has said she wont mention anything regarding her brother's girlfriend's pregnancy. I feel a bit mean as I didn't want her to feel she has to keep schtum but it seems there's no in between, so im leaving things as they are. overall though I feeling better and more settled.

I think a lot has been down to being able vent on here/have a sounding and some hand holding xxx

[impatientlywaiting14]

have a sounding board I meant.

[thesmallbear]

impatientlywaiting14 I wouldn't feel guilty about it. Like you've said, you barely know her brother and aren't close to him. You have supported your pregnant fiend which has been hard enough. You don't need to put yourself out there for someone you barely know. After the truly shitty thing you've been through, you have every right to put yourself first and do whatever you need to do to help your recovery.

[impatientlywaiting14]

Thesmallbear Thank-you for your reply and thank you for your kind words. Having spoken to her regarding everything (I updated above) I am feeling better.

I am feeling guilty as my family member that suspected they were pregnant have found out they are not pregnant. I must admit its a relief as my pregnant friend has come to the end of her pregnancy and as happy as I am for them its been a journey, I don't feel ready to start another one so soon. I just want a few weeks or so breather before I have to be there to support someone else while my heart aches for my own child. I know that must sound terribly selfish.

I'm feeling a little better regarding my friend giving birth and how I will cope in reality meeting the baby for the first time,I think the anticipation is worse and I should be ok meeting the baby. It will look odd if i leave it too long. my friend dosn't expect me to rush round as she knows i have been struggling lately, but there is also her partners feelings to consider too and hes mutual friends with partner so its a bit tricky XXX