miscarriage makes you realise who your true friends are!

[MyNameIsEmily]

I have had 2 late miscarriages now my most recent was on the 30th of Aug, and my 'best' friend hasn't even been in contact :( It's really hit home today because I use another not well known baby forum and they have all been amazing sending me gifts and cards and asking me how I am doing etc.
It really does highlight who cares about you and who doesn't!
I know people will say oh they don't know what to say etc...but anything would be nice! Just a how are you doing? Or a thinking of you would be nice.
Sorry for my dower post!

I haven't had late miscarriages but have had 2 earlier ones. One was after ivf so was particularly hard to deal with.

My friends fell in to two camps, those who text every few days with "how are you" "if you want to meet for a coffee im free anytime". The others pretty much blanked me. When I spoke to them afterwards they said it was because they didn't know what to say. Coincidence or not these were all childless friends and maybe they just don't know how desperate sad it is to lose a baby so would rather stay quiet in fear of upsetting us.

If it is bothering you, I would definitely have it out with her. Maybe she herself is very upset by it and doesn't want to lay that on you.

Whatever her reasons, I'm sure it isn't to hurt you or cause she doesn't care.

I've had a pretty shitty fertility road, 3 years ttc before getting pregnant (18 weeks currently) second time with ivf, but to have 2 late loses is absolutely unthinkable. I hope you are being seen by consultant etc now to determine the cause?

Thanks for replying!
I am not sure if I will have it out with her, we aren't as close as we used to be - I moved away but I made a real effort to keep in contact and she's just brought a new house (Well a few months ago) So was always asking about that etc.. I guess maybe we have just drifted apart and I have only just realised?

Sorry to hear about your losses :( and your fertility road hasn't been easy! But congratulations on your pregnancy!

I have to wait to hear about my consultant appointment, Not really sure where we will go from here they had a we will see what happens with cervix scans etc but it still happened so hoping they will offer a more preventable treatment plan this time!

I am so sorry for your losses OP. I can't imagine what you've been through.

It does sound pretty rubbish of your friend and 'don't know what to say' is not an excuse. Is there any chance that she could be having fertility or baby related issues of her own? Even someone who appears happy with their lot on the surface can suffer with private pain around other peoples pregnancies. Not minimising what you are feeling, you have every right to feel terribly let down.

Thank you :)

No not that I know of she in a LTR but she's said no plans for babies yet..
We had this talk when I had my first pregnancy!

So sorry for your losses. I've had four miscarriages (all within the first 13 weeks) and have found there's huge variety in how people respond. At the moment (2 weeks since last, and most upsetting, miscarriage) I do feel cross with some people who haven't been in contact since I let them know, and feel like punishing them/ having it out with them. However, I know from past experiences that some people just don't deal with others' distress very well, and it doesn't make them horrible or uncaring people. So for now I'm just appreciating that fact that I do have some people who'll keep in contact, and will pick up the other friendships when I'm feeling less fragile.

Hope consultant is helpful, and we both get treatment that gets us our babies!

Ooooh Lotta, you might have knocked the nail on the head there.

We were trying for 3.5 years and when anyone asked if we were ever going to start a family (we had been married a while) I would laugh it off and say "oh not yet" through gritted teeth. I got real good at lying!

Very possible she is in the same boat. Oooh or that she herself is pregnant at the moment......

I speak from experience! No one i kniw how I feel but it can be extremely painful. All the same though, as your friend, she should have got in touch, even just to say she was thinking of you OP

Pretty sure shes not ttc or pregnant, she said not till shes married (like me) and I dont believe her partner wants to get married atm.

Actually the friend who has given me the most support is the one who has no children and has next to no interest in having any.

My 'best' friend gave birth two days after my MC. She knew about the MC as I'd been in touch about it. I'd text to say congratulations on the birth (which wasn't easy that close to losing my baby), sent a card etc. A couple of texts went back and forth and I explained I had a scan on x date to check for retained tissue and may need an operation. I heard nothing from her until six weeks after the scan date. My other two close friends both text me on the day to say they were thinking of me and hoped everything went ok. Surely if you knew your friend may need an operation, for whatever reason, you'd be in touch to see how things went?